Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by artana, Nov 4, 2008.

  1. artana

    artana New Member

    Hi all,
    My difficult child was doing soooo well, but yesterday was really bad. He hit someone with a jump rope. Knowing him, this was an extreme reaction to something...but it was a reaction to something. Still, he proceeded to flip out at the teachers, saying how much he hated the current school and how much he hated everything. He had about three of these in a row. The teacher decided not to write him up, but she is concerned, of course.
    I managed to find a place that will give him a diagnostic assessment tomorrow. I hope this helps because I am at my wits end. I don't understand how my son, who managed to be really good last year, is suddenly completely losing it. I know it might be the change to the new school, but I'm scared moving him back to his old school would be just as bad. I don't know what kind of punishments to give that won't just put him deeper into whatever frustrated knot he is in. Anyways, I have no idea what to do...I'm so tired and I feel like such a bad mother.:/
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Artana! By your description, you're anything BUT a bad mommy! Listen, we all go through those feelings - you're not so don't worry about it.

    The school stuff is truly frightening - you're ALWAYS second guessing yourself.

    Have you read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene? It might help you out with running interference with his moods. Is he on any medications? Sometimes they can affect the outcome of an outburst!

    Have you considered altering his IEP (does he have one?) for a behavioral intervention plan to be put into effect?

    Feel better hon! It's very early in the battle - conserve your guilt and use it as a weapon when you need it! ;)

  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ditto Beth.

    As for punishment, I try not to punish my difficult child for something he did at school unless the school calls me to come get him and asks me to deal with it. I guess my thinking is that if I punish him, too, then he's being punished twice for the same crime, and he's already a kid who largely "doesn't get it", so what am I really helping?

    Sounds like you have a good teacher you're working with, tho. Could you offer her a copy of the Explosive Child, or even a copy of the summary here in the archives and work with her from there?

    Just some thoughts. Hang in there.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Did you look at the whole picture? Did he eat a good breakfast, get a good nights sleep, do too much this weekend and still trying to catch up?
    TIme change?
    Too much candy?
    All of these things can really have huge affects on our kids and sometimes we don't really see it until it is happening or over.
    A lot of us don't really punish for School issues.
    I talk to K about what happens at school and what she can do to make things better or have a better outcome.
    I try to never get mad or punish though.
    She is hard enough on herself though.
  5. artana

    artana New Member

    Thank you guys for the support.

    T - This is part of my dilemma. My difficult child is sooo hard on himself that I see him getting depressed or upset or frustrated on a regular basis and I worry how hard it will be for him to get himself out of it. And, I don't know how to help with this.

    I'm hoping his preliminary evaluation tomorrow helps.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Artana -

    Hi and welcome. Dont believe we've spoken before, nice to meet you. I tell Moms of younger children with my son being 18 now - if I had to do ONE thing over again? I would have let go of the words SHOULD HAVE.

    Reason: Very logical actually - think about it like this - You are in a voliatle situation, your child explodes, something happens, YOU react. In that moment BEFORE you react - did you
    1.) Consider what was BEST in a flash for your child?
    2.) Consider how you could totally mess things up worse and do it?

    Here's where Mothers can really start to TRAIN themselves to give themselves a break. I love my child. Is he frustrating? Yes. Am I a bad Mom because I get exhausted, yell, have a fit, throw a Mom-trum? Nope. I AM HUMAN. As a Human - I have certain Do-overs that I can attend to and there are certain situations that I just have to say "You know what? I made the BEST choice I could at THAT moment for WHAT I KNEW about my childs outburst."

    To sit back and continually say "I should have" means to me - that I KNEW better and continually made poor choices. Mistakes happen. If you aren't happy with how your parenting skills are progressing with a child who has issues - GET SOME EDUCATION. Knowledge is POWER!!!!!

    I am constantly amazed at how much I can offer NOW to parents who have no clue about IEP's, and the school district paying for shadows and at the worst before expulsion from schools? Even a home teacher for a few hours a few days a week. These things ARE available.

    So are Classes at NAMI, Parenting groups, - books that you can buy through this site to help offset the cost of operation (nice plug huh?) and there's just coming here too - but NOT just here. EDUCATE yourself - read the forums, ASK questions, get involved with local groups or start one - call your local Ombudsmans office and ask for help - call DSS, call any agency that deals with mentally ill children and FIND a place and FIND the help you both need. I personally HIGHLY recommend therapy with a therapist you like and trust. If the first 3 are bad - keep going - My son has been in therapy for 11 years....and on his own at 18? He CALLED mental health - NOW THAT IS AMAZING - and - despite allthe arguments of "I"M NOT GOING" it's paid off for us.

    So stop beating yourself up before your kid gets the idea that THAT is what HE should do when HE makes a mistake.....and I recommend a course on EFFECTIVE communication - it teaches us HOW to speak and react to our children......WORTH it's WEIGHT in gold. (the books) Another book is How to speak so children will listen and how to listen so your children will speak - SHOULD come with an infant.....and works.

    Glad you are here -
    Best of LUCK
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Hi and welcome

    The assessment you are having done should help greatly. Also you said he is in a new school with no prior behavioral issues?? Has he made any connections at the new school with friends? Has he joined anything? How does he feel about the new teacher? Did something else happen with regards to the other child with whom upset him? Why isn't anyone asking that child what it is he did to tweek your child?

    I agree with all the suggestions yet I also agree with sometimes kids just act out, it doesn't mean there is a diagnosis, or does. My oldest hit a few children years ago once the birth of my difficult child had occured. They were isolated incidences, we were shocked yet it passed in time and never happened again.

    He sounds really unhappy where he is? It doesn't necessarily mean he can't find his place. Are there any parents you know yet that you could maybe set something up for him to spend time with another classmate? Friends are so important in their lives i've learned.

    Good luck and keep us posted :) and welcome again
  8. artana

    artana New Member

    I actually just talked to his teacher and discussed calling kids that he is friends with. The person he wants a playdate with seems to be the person that the teacher concurs is friends with him. So, I will be calling up.

    I know that my difficult child has sensory overload issues. I know he is stressed with a new school and schedule, but his issues adapting have been pretty continuous and at this point I'm worried about him putting himself in a frustration cycle, where he doesn't feel like he's a good boy anymore. That would be very hard, because he is a sweet caring child. So, the assessment will tell me a lot.

    I have also realized that my dad, my brother, and I (though to a lesser extent) are probably in the same category. We all are very good at work, very intelligent, but cannot deal with emotional conflict. My dad and brother respond by avoiding it in every way possible (structuring their lives so they control everything around them as best they can). I respond to it by trying to do it, but every once in a while shutting down. I think this is why the advocacy is so hard for me. The difference between them and I is that I don't have their explosive temper. I prefer to sit in a corner and read or take a bath and ignore the world for a 1/2 hour while I try to destress.

    So this should be an interesting session, if nothing else.