Too late; they called the police

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Aug 16, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    The neighbors called the police.

    They showed up around 11 and difficult child answered the door, came and got me, and then went to his room. I started down the stairs and could see long blue legs, shiny blk shoes and a gun holster and knew immediately what was going on. I invited them in and when they told me the neighbors had called them, I went up and got difficult child.
    We all sat at the DR table and they lectured him for about 45 min.

    So, in response to a lot of your comments on the other thread, yes, he did commit a felony. And they could arrest him and take him to juv. But the neighbor lady doesn't want to. Her husband does, though. He was hopping mad and probably will be for a long time.

    They asked difficult child why he was there, and he repeated the same story about looking for his grandfather's Hotwheels car. The officers listened and then said, "Why didn't you knock or ask to go in?"
    "I don't know."

    "It's against the law to do what you did. You broke into someone's house." Pause.
    "You cannot have any contact with them and cannot trespass on their property. If they see you there, they will call us and we can immediately arrest you. There will be no 2nd chances."

    "So, why did you take the lady's personal stuff?"

    difficult child sat there for a long time and didn't say anything. The ofc asked him again and again and basically wore him down.

    It was fascinating in a way. A very similar line of questioning to what the psychiatric used but with-a little twist at the end.

    They said that difficult child should write a note of apology to the neighbors. I had already come up with-that idea and had given difficult child the card to write on but he put it off. No more putting it off. (In fact, it was the first thing he did after they left.)

    After difficult child left the rm, they gave me all sorts of resources and ideas. They were a wealth of resources. This could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened.

    One of the officers has a son who is ADHD and he recommended a different dept and dr at the local children's hospital. Now husband can't say I'm searching for the Diagnostic Flavor of the Week because The Police Said difficult child Needs More Testing. :) They had never heard of Asperger's but when I explained it they said it sounded familiar. I told them the dr who tested him only spent 3 min. with-us. One of the ofcs knew his name. That's when they recommended the longer, 5-hr testing, which you all have recommended, too. They said to ask for ADHD testing in the developmental psychiatric dept and that will open up a whole realm of possibilities.

    They also recommended sports for the ADHD (which difficult child is already in, but we need to fill the 2-wk or 1-mo gaps between seasons).

    The mother of one of the ofcs is a caseworker in NC and she had an unusual treatment for ODD. He said she signed the kid up for a debate class! He said it worked wonders.

    They also pointed out that difficult child was wearing nailpolish and wondered if there was any connection to the panties. I told them he'd had it done at camp, and they mentioned something about Goth, but his nails were all diff. colors. At any rate, they said it was something to keep an eye on.

    Sheesh. Between ADHD, Asperger's, ODD, crossdressing and everything else, it covered a lot. On another thread, we were all complaining about how law enforcement has no training for mental illness but I have to take it all back now.
    Which isn't to say that they won't arrest people. Just that now they know there are resources for people--especially young people--other than jail forever.

    They said they were going to call the neighbors to confirm that they'd stopped by, and they asked if I needed anything else. I told them that I had purchased a Victoria's Secret card and it would probably not be a good idea for them to give it to her. They laughed and one of the ofrs said, "I used to work at Victoria's Secret."
    Say what?
    I guess they have a policy that one male has to work there, something about carrying things back and forth.

    On the way out, they gave me their cards and hrs and said if I needed anything, they would stop by any time. I said I'd love to but I hated to use them for babysitters. They both said, "No, we're used to that. It's okay. CALL US."

    I came SO close to hugging the ofcr closest to me. I don't think I have been so excited in a long time. I almost cried.

    I did very well and everyone stayed calm ... but I just realized my upper lip is asleep because I was hyperventilating.
  2. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    When I saw your title, I had a sinking feeling, but it seems like it was exactly what you would hope for when calling the police about a difficult child.

    I hope you are able to get some help with their recommendations.
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I am thrilled for you that this worked out so well.

    Police officers can make so much difference if they have this type training.

    I hope it got your difficult child's attention and he realizes that if there is a "next time," things may be handled much differently.

    What a strain you've been under. Hugs.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Terry,

    I am SO GLAD that things worked out so well. You have RESOURCES!!!!! And you KNOW that the police in your area are very well aware of mental illness in children AND how to get help for it. They ALSO know you and difficult child - AND that you WILL get him help!!

    So, CALL THEM if you need them.

    I honestly can't think of a better outcome at this point. Your husband will be very angry, esp at the extra testing, but it really is the best thing for your difficult child.

    Sending hugs to you. Glad this wasn't something husband and the psychiatric were able to gloss over.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    I feel pretty vindicated right now. :)
    And hopeful for the future.
    Now, to make it through the night ... easy child is lifeguarding all day, and husband is still out of town.
    I think I'll go walk around the yard. It's a beautiful day.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing ... they even gave me a list of excuses to explain why their squad car was in the driveway! LOL!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Please be aware and prepared that they are probably going to contact CPS and you may get a surprise visit. I was once told that anytime the cops are called on a difficult child, the cops will alert CPS. And CPS usually has it's own ideas about how to deal with things.
    I strongly suggest going to a university hospital for a neuropsychologist evaluation. They tend to have "the cutting edge" people. I am not a professional by any means, but if this was my kid I would never buy ADHD/ODD as he cause of this. And if the police didn't know about Aspergers, they don't know much.
    I hope this IS a good thing. (((Hugs))) You have been through so much and are trying so hard.
  8. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    This is a very good outcome. My heart sunk too when I read the topic of your thread. Not only were they good for resources, but they seem very compassionate and understanding to you. However, they were also firm with difficult child.

    Good tip on the CPS visit, MWM. Though, with their last visit to my home a few years ago, after they realized all that I was going through, and all that I had done with Daughter, they were also a wealth of resources. I know that not everyone has that experience.

    I hope this leads to better help for you and difficult child. As far husband, stand your ground and ignore his snippy little comments.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Terry, I'm finding myself getting really emotional about your son so I'm going to have to detach to some degree. I think there are many different things that could be contributing to his actions, but they won't be solved or cured by the legal system, in my humble opinion. It appears that because these policemen handled things the way they did today, you are comfortable that they will be there to help keep things on the right track in the future. I know you want testing and I hope you get it and get a second opinion on your son's diagnosis.

    I mentioned the jest of this post to my son because he wanted to know why I looked so upset. You probably won't be comfortable with this, but my son said he could talk to your son and tell him some of the things he's done and why he wishes he hadn't and where these things could lead your son. My son also said that your son is probably thinking that because the police didn't do anything serious today that means they never will. And, he said that "the parents" now will probably start being stricter on the kid, then the kid will just try to prove he can do what he wants and get around the rules. He said the boy probably realizes that he has some issues, but is thinking that all kids have issues so his probably aren't that big of a deal and that the kid probably has no clue of what he could do about his issues anyway. So, the kid just gets caught up into how to get by doing what he wants to do- because he doesn't understand his own issues, much less have a clue of how serious they are or what to do about them.

    That might not help your son at all, but my son just told me all this and it has helped me a great deal to hear this from him.

    If you do want my son to talk to yours, PM me.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I don't think this could have turned out any better than it did. You handled it VERY well -- I would hope to have your courage and cool if ever in a similar situation!

    You've got to be very excited about the work ahead of you, now that you've got some very specific direction and resources that have opened up. I think I'd be feeling an almost giddy sense of relief!

    Way to go mom! I'll be cheering for you and difficult child each step of the way!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did you son have proper, horrified reaction, Terry? Did he cry? Did he seem to know why he was in trouble? Do you think this acted as a deterrent?
    My son was caught shoplifting once and they called the police, and in our small town it is a man he knows VERY well. He bawled like a baby, but he went back to the store and shoplifted again afterwards, so it didn't have the proper effect. Fortunately, due to this being such a small town, and the cop being almost a personal friend and knowing our family so well, no further action was taken. He was banned from our local service station, and, to my knowledge, he has not shoplifted again. If he has, he has not been caught.
    I loathe CPS, but, as you have read, not everyone does.
    Have your ducks in a row for CPS. They can be helpful, but (not going to sugarcoat it) they can be scary too. It's best not to sound defensive and to be cooperative, even if you are seething inside. (((More hugs)))
  12. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I think the CPS thing must vary from state to state--the police never called CPS after visiting with us about difficult child 1 (numerous times).
  13. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    It was the same for us. We never had CPS involved, even though difficult child was in the juvenile system for a couple of years for different things.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    Let me give it some thought, Klmno. I don't want my son to hang up on your son or anything. I'll bring up a few issues with-him first and see what his reaction is.

    MM, good tip. It never occurred to me that they might contact Soc Svcs.

    He did not cry. He was very, very quiet. He did cry the other day when I first found out, when the neighbor called. And he talked to me for a long time. But he continued to lie about taking the panties from camp instead of the neighbor.

    I don't think that ADHD is at the root of this. I think the ofcr suggested it because it would open up a round of testing that we hadn't had b4. I narrowed it down too much by simply asking for an Asperger's test. I think they were giving me a lead for which hoops to jump through and get something accomplished.

    I won't know until I have the testing done. As we all know, some of it is a complete waste and some is valuable.

    One of the psycho-educational tests that difficult child took a few yrs ago was riddled with-errors. We finally figured out that the tester had used a template and typed in the changes that were needed to fine tune it to my son. He missed quite a few and it created a conflicting report.

    I fully expect that there will be at least as many frustrations in future testing but I still think it's necessary to do the testing.

    There is clearly something missing in my son's brain.
  15. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    Wow, I also said, "What the...?!" when I read the title of the thread. But I'm really pleasantly surprised with the outcome. How great (and unusual?) to have police who are willing to listen and provide constructive suggestions. I'm sure it was obvious, by your attitude and willingness to confide in them, that you're not a scofflaw, and that you're actively trying to help your son.

    Here's hoping that this event was the end of this situation. Here's hoping that the new resources you have mark the beginning of a better situation!
  16. stepmonster

    stepmonster New Member

    Re: Debate class, I laughed so hard!! I totally got that. My sgfg should be a lawyer, she could find a loophole in anything!! She would be awesome in debate!!!! I think it's a fantastic stimulus, great idea!!!
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Honestly, if I were the husband (or the parent of the daughter) I would be mad as all get out, too. I'm glad that they took the time to talk to him. It's actually not so bad when they have to come to your house and it isn't an urgent/emergent situation. They have time to talk to you and be of assistance. It's not always like that. I hope that you guys will find the help that you need.

    And, goths do paint their nails mult-colors sometimes, if they are using the blues and greens and sickly colors.
  18. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I am so glad for you that things went so well. We've had the police called on my difficult child twice, and while they didn't arrest him, they weren't extra helpful either.

    I hope your husband comes around to realize that more evaluations are needed. I've been there done that with my husband for years.
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    wow terry.........
    I am just so happy for you that the officers were so well trained. I mean, I have never, ever had that experience with the police - and god knows I have prayed for it. in my humble opinion it sounds as if they did everything exactly as they should.

    I think I have mentioned this before to you, but I have noticed on this board a coorelation with AS and sexual identity issues. In fact, I found a small amount of research that confirms this. My son has had many...........still does. I guess because of my past abuse it is really hard for me to talk about - but painting his finger nails and wearing girls underwear has definitely been part of his experimenting. in my opinion you are handling it SO much better than me. I freaked out, and could not even talk to one person about it, which did not help him in anyway.

    I say all of that, just to suggest that the testing is really, really necessary. If he does have AS or NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), than in my limited opinion it could explain some of why his sexual confusion is present. That coupled with poor impulse control - maybe BiPolar (BP) - makes for a serious mix of complications. I know, because I live it every day with difficult child.

  20. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I saw the post title and cringed. I am so glad that it went well. I hope it continues to do so. Hang tough on the things that need to happen. It can be a difficult and bumpy ride once the police have been involved. It sounds like yours are much nicer than some of our locals.