Toughest month of my life.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Minntana, Mar 9, 2013.

  1. Minntana

    Minntana New Member

    I had to ask my daughter to move out just over a month ago and holy cow has that been hard to process. She has been with me full time since '07 (her mother and I divorced when she was 3 yr old) and I was determined to give the very best I had and not to lose her to any kind of nonsense. And for the most part that is true. She was not a big partier in HS which I was very thankful for...did she drink??...yea I knew she had experimented. I kept her very busy with softball and she became a very good pitcher and had an extremely successful HS career so I think that had alot to do with her keeping out of trouble so to speak. She wanted to play college ball and enrolled in a Jr college not far from here and was commuting from home. Well, it turns out that about half way thru she all but quit going to class and nearly flunked out. Before I found that out though I started to suspect some serious lying issues that I had a hard time dealing with. I tried to stay out of her life as much as I could as to let her begin to find her independence and responsibility. She had a significant amount of money left over after grants and scholarships and I had decided to go ahead and let her keep most in a savings but with expectation for her to live off her work study $ and use savings when she needed to. Hopefully teaching her to save and handle money. Did I expect that she answer to me for every single penny? No. Anyway, long story short....she blew every penny and I began seeing mail from banks other than hers showing up at the house. (****...I look back and see so many mistakes I made) I opened one up and it was a loan decline for $2500. I didn't say anything but told her I need to see how much she has in the bank and of course I got the run around until she finally had to come clean. Never telling me where the money went other than she just blew it...then the grades came in and I nearly kicked her out at that point but chose for us to get counseling as more and more lies began to unfold.

    Counseling was going well...we went seperately....the counselor was very impressed with her. About 3 weeks semester and "new start" I started to suspect things weren't as they seemed. We talked about the importance of staying on track and to learn from her mistakes...especially in the money dept. it wasn't long tho before I found out that she was digging herself even deeper into the hole. The final blow came when i gave her some money to buy me a coat when she was out shopping and she and her friends had essentially stolen jacket and she was going to give to me and pass off as though she paid for it. Now...its a bit more involved than that but essentially is what happened. The only reason i found out about this was because her car broke down and had no money to pay for the repairs. As i kept the questions coming she as any liar does couldn't keep her story straight and it all came apart for her. I knew then I had to draw the line in the sand. I gave her one condition to continue to live here and that was to show me her bank statements and to have her checks mailed home to prove the amounts and then decide from there on how to spend it/save it. She decided that she was not going to do that and I told her to go get some boxes and get moving.

    We met at McDonalds and talked a little bit that day and that was the last time I heard from her. We have some friends in common that have urged her to come see me and she has said she is going to. I have texted her and left a couple voicemails telling her that I love her and that I am still her father and hope to remain in her life with no response. Since she moved out she has gotten engaged and unengaged, began smoking, quit college and is renting a room at a friends house. She is working (which i am very glad about) though. I am moving back to where we came from as it has become very clear to me that I need to get on with my life.

    I put my life on complete hold for her....which was my choice not hers....and feel like I gave my very best. Did i make a bunch of mistakes...sure i did. Why am i the one feeling so **** guilty about this then? Thru counseling I have put alot of it into perspective but to be honest it pisses me off that she does not talk to me. I feel like she is resenting me and I don't deserve that. I know she's smart enough to see that but I still am hurt and worried. I don't want to leave without seeing her....which is in just over a month. I left her a message the other day just saying that I want to see her and that the longer she stays away the harder it will be for her to come back. i don't ever want her to feel like she has ruined our relationship to the point that she can "never come home again" but feel thats directions she heading. I look back and second guess...I regret this and that but the good things far out weigh the bad. Anyway....thats enough for now. heartbroke but moving forward here. thanks for taking the time to read.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Minntana, I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you're going through this hard time with your daughter. If you read some of our posts here, you will find you are not alone. I am running out the door now, but I just wanted to welcome you and say this, many times as parents we try so hard and do so much for our kids and when they turn their backs on us, for whatever reason and for however long, we feel we must keep 'doing' something. But, there is nothing to do. Your daughter has for right now anyway, made a choice, perhaps until she can come to grips with some accountability for her actions, I don't know, but you sound as if you've been a great dad and done as much as you can do. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it's helpful. And, for at least right now, you've done all you can do. Go on with your life, keep her in your thoughts, keep letting her know you love her, which is what you're already doing, and for right now, let go. She likely knows she has messed up and she may need time to work that out for herself. Heartbreak is common around here, you're in good company. We do our best, that's all any of us can do. Glad you're here. Keep posting, it helps........
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,
    I know what it's like to willingly put your life on hold and sacrifice everything for your children, just to have it unfurl so unexpectedly and disappointingly.
    I would suggest you continue with therapy, if you're not already doing so. You can offer that she also go and even work things out together if she wishes, but since she's an adult, she will have to decide.
    You are doing the right thing by leaving the lines of communication open. She is working, that is a good thing, but she has many things to sort out as well. Perhaps she will approach you about it soon.
    If not, you have done all that you could. The story is not over...never give up, but perhaps give her some space. I know you have a lot of regrets, even parents with so-called perfect kids have regrets. You've done a very good job - the best you knew how, and you just need to be patient to see how things work out.
    Hang in there...I know it's rough right now.
  4. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Welcome Mintana from someone who arrived here about a week before you did!

    The people here have wonderful input and advice and they've all walked in our shoes... listen to them... even just posting can really help you clarify things in your own mind.

    My husband and I were just talking about this exact issue today, which is - there are kids who operate within the bounds of "normal" (and "normal" is a big category) and then there are kids, like ours, who aren't. It's true that young adults make money mistakes all the time. My older daughter, who is otherwise level-headed, intelligent, and a terrific human being, foolishly spent every nickel that she earned last summer during her first semester of college, and turned up at Christmas with no spending money and very, very ashamed of herself. She was even afraid to tell me, and we're joined at the hip! However... she then got herself a much better work-study job, and cut her spending, and I don't feel bad about slipping her a twenty when I see her. The point is, she didn't make up things that she needed legit money for, she didn't steal from us, she didn't take out loans she had no intention of paying back - like my difficult child and your daughter. That is what separates normal from not normal. Everybody makes mistakes, and young people making mistakes about handling money is particularly common but... it's the aftermath that makes the difference.

    I have decided that our difficult child is, in essence, a sociopathic parasite, who would see husband and me and all our other kids in the gutter before he'd stop trying to victimize us. People who lie and manipulate, the way our kids do, always see themselves as the victim, no matter how awful they are to other people (especially the ones who try and love and help them, like you). If it were me, if you want to see your daughter or talk to her before you go ... go with God. If that's what it takes to make you feel like you've done the right thing here, go ahead and do it. But keep your hand on your wallet at all times. I'm sorry to sound so cynical and callous, but after more than 10 years and close to six figures in money stolen, that's where I'm at with my difficult child.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board.

    I am wondering if there is more to her not talking to you than her just what you think. Now I tend to jump to this conclusion often because it happened with MY daughter, but is it possible she just is in a bad place and doing things she knows you don't approve of so she wants to keep her distance? The first thing that comes to mind is drugs. Many teens suddenly change because of drugs, often after meeting some boy who is on drugs and gets them involved. I don't know if I'm on the right track, but the missing money would fit in as well because drug abusers do spend money on drugs...lots of money. They also tend to lose ambition.

    Regardless of why she is not talking to you right now, you most certainly DID give her the best you had and now it's her turn to sink or swim and, yes, you should go on with your life. I don't know if you are paying her bills, but I wouldn't anymore. She's working and not living at home anymore. in my opinion you have nothing to feel guilty about. Every single parent on earth has made mistakes. Your daughter knows what she is doing and she is responsible for it. You aren't.

    Keep posting. Nice to "meet" you, but sorry you had to come.
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Please don't have a drop of guilt about what you think you have done wrong. Do not do that, you did so much, know that because it's true. She is young, let her make her mistakes, don't rescue her or breathe down her neck, or beg her to come back. Let her come to her own realizations. Stay strong, you can.
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hi and welcome to the board. You've done all that you can right now for your daughter. Please don't feel guilty. Stay strong.