Trying to help an adult child that refuses help and trying not to loose my mind

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Irena, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. Irena

    Irena New Member

    Last year on the eve of my fathers funeral which my son arrived for in a different state, my son was extremely upset. We first thought he was upset because he did not get to see his grandfather alive, he wouldn't speak he just wept. He said the pain was to much and he could not speak, I suggested that he write his feelings down, which he did. He went on to say how he always felt things deeper than other people since he was a child, and that nothing could help him. As you can imagine at 2 am the night before my fathers funeral this was almost another impossible blow to bear. My daughter and I tried to talk to him about this and how we all felt this way at one point or another in our lives and that you can get help. He said no that would not work for him. I later that week came to find out his girlfriend had broken up with him and that seemed to be fueling this mood. We again spoke to him about how difficult this is an that we all have been there and that it would get better to no avail.
    It has been over a year and he has gotten progressively worst. He has is own apartment, when he comes over he hardly speaks, he will text and says its to painful to speak in person. He will text me usually in the evening how he cannot take the pain for much longer, sometimes in the middle of the night, his sister will text him and he won't answer. I have suggested therapy he says no they can't help him he is to far gone and there is no hope for him. He won't participate in any family events. He says that we should go on with our lives and forget about him because he feels nothing. He does not do drugs as he got a new job recently and had to pass rigorous drug testing. He has never been in any type of trouble. He was always a quiet child but funny and happy, when he reached the teen years he got quieter and moody but you hear that is normal. He says that all he needs to help him is one last conversation with the ex girlfriend because she never gave an explanation for the break up and he needs to say his peace.
    Since she has moved on and has another boyfriend she will not speak to him, so he says he will never be able to trust and move on without that conversation.
    Today was the first night I found this site, and I read people voicing the same fears, and frustrations which has help me feel I am not alone.
    I have not had a moment without worry since that night a year ago.
    It has been a very difficult year since loosing my father, my mother at 89 has come to live with me,
    my husband lost his job. Of all the things good and bad that have happened , this is the one that is consuming me. I work a full time job, that helps a little when I'm busy. I don't sleep well, I can't enjoy my other child or my grandchild because, he is always on my mind. If I text him and he doesn't answer right away I feel a sense of panic that he might have harmed himself.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Irena, I am so sorry. He does sound like he's in deep depression. And maybe bipolar. Maybe someone closer to his age can talk to him? If he got a new apt, that meant that at some point, he had to leave the old apt and go to an office and fill out paperwork, so at least he is capable of that.
    He seems to need medication.
    In the meantime, I'm sending hugs. Try to detach. If he won't let you, he won't let you. That's always the hardest part. We can see it but our kids can't.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Irena, here is an idea---can you arrange for a counselor to conduct a family session focused on grief and make sure he is there and part of the group? You can even have the counselor come to your house instead of going to their office. A group session could surface a good discussion that could lead to more. We did this with a hospice counselor when my sister died and it was tremendously helpful for our entire family.

    Keep posting here. Others will come along with ideas and encouragement.
  5. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    [emoji173]️[emoji173]️[emoji173]️[emoji173]️ big hugs. I know a little of how you feel. My child is very depressed right now and I am constantly worried that she will harm herself. It is hell. I try to distract myself but the worry is always there. My daughter is on medication but I really can't tell if it's helping and the bigger issue is I not 100% certain that she IS taking it. One day at a time and some days one moment at a time is how I cope.
  6. Irena

    Irena New Member

  7. Irena

    Irena New Member

    Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot. It has given me strength not to feel so alone. He is still working, no drugs involved had very thorough drug testing to qualify for his job 4 months ago. But the hopelessness in his emails in the middle of the night are very frightening. As everyone says one day or minute at a time. Thanks again
  8. Irena

    Irena New Member

    Thank you.
  9. Irena

    Irena New Member

    Thanks for your suggestion, but he refuses any type of counseling, he would put 2 and 2 together. He says it's to painful to speak about anything he usually text. He only texts with me , he ignores any interaction with sibling.
  10. Irena

    Irena New Member

  11. Irena

    Irena New Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it is good not to feel alone. It is very difficult your mind is always racing and hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel. It is hell even from moment to moment not knowing what the next text will say. My biggest hope is that he would come to his senses and seek therapy but right now it doesn't seem to be an option. The support helps hugs to you as well.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Hi and welcome to this forum.

    I hope the moderators will move your post to it's own thread.

    The next time he threatens suicide, you should call 911 immediately. You don't know whether he is serious or not, so better to be safe.

    It could be the onset of a mental illness. Some of his ideas about his pains seem odd. There is no way to know, if he won't go to see a professional.

    Is there any way he would go to see a General Practitioner? For his headaches and various other physical problems (whether real or imagined)? This might lead the doctor to refer him for mental health help if he thinks it could help.

    Does his dad have any influence over him? If so, could you ask dad to try to get the son in for help?

    Stay with us. Others will be responding also.

  13. Susie

    Susie New Member

    Thank you for your help
    I didn't quite understand how to post or where to post .
    I want to thank you for your thoughts and opinion.
    I have take. Him to lots of medical doctors including urologists who don't understand the circumcision complaint. The oral surgeons don't have much help for the face /tmj pain. I took him to a pain clinic last week but they referred him
    To another pain clinic and it takes weeks to get in. In the meantime I will continue to try to get him to a psychotherapist but he refuses -saying that it is not psychological .
    His dad left the country with all of our money but the dad calls him daily but my son doesn't always answer. I'm sure the dad is trying in his own way to help but he is a poor example, as he himself needs therapy.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    When my X started complaining of strange pains, I called the doctor beforehand to tell them of my suspicions that they were likely linked to mental illness rather than physical problems. The doctor can't discuss the patient with us, but they can listen to our concerns about them and take that into account when treating them.

    The fact that the Urologists don't know what he is talking about leads one to believe that is could be disordered thinking.

    Sometimes the General Doctor may have influence over the patient. Maybe he/she could try to get your son to see someone for his mental health?

    Worth a try.
  15. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Your son sounds seriously depressed. Young men experience depression often in college. Severe depression can result in actual pain that they feel is purely physical. He is also threatening suicide. Please call a crisis unit if he threatens again. This needs to be taken seriously.

    Also, other types of mental illness can start to manifest in young men. It is difficult to know exactly what it is.

    Please, do not feel guilty. The past is the past. Try to concentrate on the present condition of your son. You are a good mother because you are trying to help him. Mother guilt, which I am very good at, gets you nowhere. You would not be posting here if you did not care.

    I agree with Apple Cori. He should see a G.P. who could direct him towards a psychological evaluation. You cannot ask the doctor for information about your adult son unless your son approves it. It is better to volunteer information, never ask questions.

    Yes, he could have experienced a difficult childhood. But, he is an adult now. He is telling you about reasons that he is mad at you. These reasons need to be talked about to a therapist. A large amount of men in the world are circumsized, without issues. Do not take him in to see specialists for these other conditions. A good G.P. will see there is an underlying issue that is not physical, but rather psychological in nature.

    We are here for you. To your son, these concerns are very real. Both of my sisters have schizophrenia. I am not saying that your son has this. It is rare.

    But, my eldest sister has gone through 5 medical coverages. She goes from doctor to doctor. When they finally tell her it is psychological in nature, she runs out of the office. Four of the coverages threw her out because she would not listen and agree to therapy. She took pills that she did not need. Once a doctor got wise, she was off to another one the next week.

    You could use the angle and say that it must be very difficult for you to go through this constant pain. You seem very down because you have said that you want to die. Talking to a doctor would help you handle your pain and medical issues better. They might be able to give you coping strategies to employ while we are waiting for a diagnosis. They can help you deal with the pain.

    Please keep posting. Others will be here. It really helps.

    I am a special education teacher, mild to moderate. He needs an evaluation. There could be any number of causes. Use the above approach. The more you say that it is purely mental, the more that he will dig his heels in. Again, to him it is very real. Listen to him.

    Also, do not feel guilty. You are a good mom trying to help your son. If he threatens suicide, call a crisis unit immediately.

    You are in our thoughts.