Trying to set Boundaries

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Enable-no-more, May 3, 2017.

  1. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    My 25 year old son was recently diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and Psychosis which is cannabis induced. He's in denial and states it's not from the cannabis. He has been in and out of the mental hospital the last three years. He recently attacked his 14 year old cousin in my home over a delusion he was having. It was traumatizing for me. Since then we have told him he can no longer live with us. He was living with his girlfriend and two young daughters before his last episode and then he came to live with us. But since the incident my husband (his boligical father) told him he can no longer stay with us. He moved back in with his girlfriend who is also now suffering from his behavior. I'm so torn because I don't want my grandchildren to be subject to his behavior but I cannot function when he lives with me. I almost lost my job this last go around because I wasn't sleeping, eating and I was having panic attacks. Now my sons girlfriend is pregnant with their third child, my son isn't working so I have been helping with support. My husband and I are living from pay check to paycheck trying to support two households. My sons girlfriend is on her last limb and is talking about moving home. My son will have no where to go and I'm so torn on what to do. I can't imagine him homeless. I'm so scared for him. I need some advice. I feel so guilty.
     
  2. february

    february Member

    so sad i am sorry we parents have to go through this with our children. I wish there was a good answer but their is not. Listen to your heart and do what you can, but I know there is a time when we are exausted and it seems to hard to continue to be in these children's lives. Lots of prayers for you and your family.
     
  3. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Thank you February. I stay in constant prayer.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Enable:

    So sorry to hear you are going through this. Your son must use other drugs other than marijuana? Or he is mentally ill? Either way he is a grown man with children of his own and you are not responsible for him.

    I don't blame his girlfriend and if she can move in with her parents with the children I'm sure that would be the best thing for everyone.

    Others will be along with advice but my advice is to get some therapy for yourself which will help you set firm boundaries with this adult man. I am going for the same reason and it does help. Our son is only 21 but he's been drugging on and off since 15 and we are done.

    If you keep saving your son he will NEVER grow up and you aren't going to live forever.

    I actually love going home after work now!

    Keep posting. As you can see, you are NOT alone!
     
  5. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Thank you RNO441 for your time. He was tested in the hospital for drugs only only cannabis was found but who knows what's in that stuff nowadays. My group therapy keeps telling me he must hit is rock bottom and we need to step back. It's just hard. I can't wait to be able to enjoy my life again.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are many drugs that dont show up in drug tests and users know what they are. We dont.

    Until I stopped feeling sorry for my daughters bad choices (and we did for a while) she did not make changes to her life. She did after we told her we loved her but that we will not give her a home or a dime until she quit using and stuck to it. No, it was not easy. In our minds, we had to do it for her or we were helping her continue using and could possibly help her die of drugs.

    She quit, even her cigarettes, and now lives a normsl, happy life with boyfriend of twelve years, a house, a career, and a great mom to my precious granddaughter. Her drugs of choice were meth and cocaine. We didnt know it then but we know she wasnt right.

    They can quit, but they wont as long as they are taken care of and can spend whatever money they have, be it legally or illegally gained money, on drugs instead of rent, food, gas etc. We always figured that we did not want to help her use drugs in any way. Any monetary help was directly or indirectly used for her poisen.

    With that mindset, which we learned in therapy and Al Anon, it seemed compassionate to not give her a dime. She didnt see it that way, but we had to let go of her guilt attempts and I cried at night when nobody saw me.

    She got her act together. Will it work for all? No. But at least if something happens to your beloved child, you did not help her/him buy the dope that caused the car crash or overdose, either directly or indirectly. And for us it was bad enough that we felt this was a possible outcome.

    Stand strong.
     
  7. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Thank you somewhereoutthere this is reassuring that we are on the right track no matter how hard it is.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are, hon. And it is probably the hardest thing i ever did. I felt like a failure, the worst mom ever, that my divorce of her dad caused it (although ex and I did work together and remained friendly) and I couldnt sleep for three weeks. I remembered her last words before she left.

    "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!"

    But that didnt happen. But it took several weeks before we spoke again.
     
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  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I also heard the "I will hate you forever" not to mention all sorts of horrible curse words and being told I was the worst person in the world.

    It is emotional blackmail and you need to stand tall. As in SWOT's case, once my husband and I learned to set firm boundaries and stopped refusing to let her treat us that way, it stopped. I literally blocked all access for a period of time. As my therapist said, you wouldn't let anyone else treat you that way, why do let her do it?

    Now that my daughter has been sober for a year, she loves to spend time with me. We go out to eat, shop, and go to the movies. She tells me how much she loves me and is grateful that we have a good relationship again.

    Hang in there.

    ~Kathy
     
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  10. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Thank you Kathy. I can't wait to have that relationship back with my son. He was my buddy until two years ago. I feel like I am mourning him.
     
  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    It seems to me he has hit rock bottom and needs to be pushed to help. The children are probably not best with him, this is his life. The girl needs help and guidance on her rights.

    You have done whta you can do, it is your choice if you want to support him, I'm doubting weed would make him violent, even is he has issues he needs continuing help with.

    He may need to be forced to make some decisions.

    Hugs to you Mom...I know you hurt.
     
  12. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Thank you MOF. I agree that we need to figure something out. It's not good for his girls to see him spiral out of control. We are having a intervention meeting tonight with the family. Praying it goes well. Our goal is to ensure everyone is safe.
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Enable no more, Welcome. I think you are on the right track: setting limits to enforce safety.

    I was leery about the association between marijuana and psychosis and googled it: sure enough it seems there is a 50 percent greater chance of manifesting psychosis with marijuana use. That said, the cause is neither here nor there.

    The response is the same either way; he cannot be around you, in your home, with his kids if he is violent and cannot control his behavior.

    Can son's girlfriend not apply for aid? Where will this stop? She is as responsible or more, than is he. How is it that you are on the hook for the support of babies that they conceive, and now there is one more on the way?

    I am sorry you find yourself in this hard, hard place. Every single one of us was where you find yourself. We had to start with the basics: safety in our home. Take care.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  14. february

    february Member

    [QUOTE="SomewhereOutThere, post: 711701, member: 1550streete are many drugs that dont show up in drug tests and users know what they are. We dont.

    Until I stopped feeling sorry for my daughters bad choices (and we did for a while) she did not make changes to her life. She did after we told her we loved her but that we will not give her a home or a dime until she quit using and stuck to it. No, it was not easy. In our minds, we had to do it for her or we were helping her continue using and could possibly help her die of drugs.

    She quit, even her cigarettes, and now lives a normsl, happy life with boyfriend of twelve years, a house, a career, and a great mom to my precious granddaughter. Her drugs of choice were meth and cocaine. We didnt know it then but we know she wasnt right.

    They can quit, but they wont as long as they are taken care of and can spend whatever money they have, be it legally or illegally gained money, on drugs instead of rent, food, gas etc. We always figured that we did not want to help her use drugs in any way. Any monetary help was directly or indirectly used for her poisen.

    With that mindset, which we learned in therapy and Al Anon, it seemed compassionate to not give her a dime. She didnt see it that way, but we had to let go of her guilt attempts and I cried at night when nobody saw me.

    She got her act together. Will it work for all? No. But at least if something happens to your beloved child, you did not help her/him buy the dope that caused the car crash or overdose, either directly or indirectly. And for us it was bad enough that we felt this was a possible outcome.


    Stand strong.[/QUOTE]
    Did she stay at home or did any rehab? Its a two way street, like you said it does not work for all.you were blessed.
     
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  15. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member



    Thank you so very much!
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She talked her very straight, hard nose, strict brother into renting his basement to her. He was very strict, worse than us. One cigarette in his home and she knew she would be in the streets, which she did not want.

    She got a job and without a car walked back and forth to work in Chicagos winter. She had to help with chores in her brothers huge house. He had leased tenants and she helped clean and cook for the guys. She listened to him like she never listened to us because sometimes we got soft, but she knew he never would.

    Daughter quit all drugs while her new, clean boyfriend stayed in the basement with her. No rehab. She was sick of the drug life and never went back. She took out a small loan instead and got a certificate at a two year college. She is a gifted pastry chef and won some awards and taught a class at that college. She was even on television once.

    A lot of people quit without rehab. A lot do rehab many times and dont quit. Some do quit. It depends on how badly the person wants to quit.

    Even if this brother had not taken her in, she was out of our house. We had tried every other approach and we had two young kids who were afraid of her. She had to leave since things just kept getting worse. It wasnt easy to do. In fact, it broke my heart. But we had already given her tons of chances.

    She told me many times that if we had not made her leave, she may not have quit.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  17. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    Oh this gives me so much hope. Thank you.
     
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  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Marijuana very much can change some people, make them psychotic. I think it acts on their individual brain chemistry very badly. You have to draw a firm limit and withdraw all support until he gets clean and sober. Maybe offer to help the girlfriend IF she goes to her parents and gets far away from him. I know that may seem very cold to some people, but having a baby near him at this time, even in his mother's womb, is simply insane, unhealthy and unwise. Send 1/4 -1/2 of the support that you are sending to your son to the girlfriend if she goes home to her parents. Not all of it because you are probably sending more than you should anyway. This isn't your child and it isn't your job to support it. Son and girlfriend must feel the pinch to support themselves and the baby or they won't ever grow up.
     
  19. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member


    Thank you. I'm so happy to have found this forum and all the support.
     
  20. february

    february Member

    BeautifulTE="SomewhereOutThere, post: 711758, member: 1550"]She talked her very straight, hard nose, strict brother into renting his basement to her. He was very strict, worse than us. One cigarette in his home and she knew she would be in the streets, which she did not want.

    She got a job and without a car walked back and forth to work in Chicagos winter. She had to help with chores in her brothers huge house. He had leased tenants and she helped clean and cook for the guys. She listened to him like she never listened to us because sometimes we got soft, but she knew he never would.

    Daughter quit all drugs while her new, clean boyfriend stayed in the basement with her. No rehab. She was sick of the drug life and never went back. She took out a small loan instead and got a certificate at a two year college. She is a gifted pastry chef and won some awards and taught a class at that college. She was even on television once.

    A lot of people quit without rehab. A lot do rehab many times and dont quit. Some do quit. It depends on how badly the person wants to quit.

    Even if this brother had not taken her in, she was out of our house. We had tried every other approach and we had two young kids who were afraid of her. She had to leave since things just kept getting worse. It wasnt easy to do. In fact, it broke my heart. But we had already given her tons of chances.

    She told me many times that if we had not made her leave, she may not have quit.[/QUOTE]
    Beautiful outcome!