ugh-what a night

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Sep 15, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tonight easy child tried to choke difficult child right in front of husband and me. He, of course, had been driving her crazy (actually driving us all crazy) and getting into her space. He stopped short of anything physical with her. It has been a long, long time since he has tried to get physical with her.

    She got so mad she jumped up, hit him, and started choking him-then when I tried to break it up she pushed him. He was so sad over it. I'm not saying he didn't start it-he did but in my book that is not a reason to do what she did.

    She wants him to be afraid of her. She knows he already is. She isn't the least bit sorry-never is. She has major problems with saying she is sorry-it just doesn't happen. She says she never says it because she is never sorry.

    I've been really worrying about her lately. I think she is very depressed and very angry. She sleeps a lot-more than I think is normal for a teenager. No one can seem to get through to her. Her medications don't seem to be helping. Up to this point, we've just been dealing with a therapist and her pediatrician. I'm beginning to wonder if she needs to see a psychiatrist. Just wish I had a crystal ball so I could know what is up with her.

    difficult child feels she should have to go to crisis respite. She responded meanly she isn't the one who needs special programs like he does. I told her if she keeps acting like this she most certainly will need special programs.

    I don't even know what an appropriate consequence is for all of this. All I know is this is the last thing I wanted to deal with tonight after a long, hard day at school.

    Do you ever feel like every last drop of energy you might have is being sucked right out of you.?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    First, {{{HUGS}}} Second, I only have the one kid, but it sounds to me like easy child might be harboring some resentment. Maybe a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea. Now- I just noticed that it sounds like she already sees a therapist- what does he/she say about this? Are they bio-siblings?
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh my goodness, Sharon! I'm speechless. That's just so far over the line and very worrisome, obviously.

    At 15, she should have a better grip on things. I'm sure difficult child was at his finest at provocation but regardless, assaulting him was ... well, inexcusable.

    I don't know about consequences... personally, I'd probably over-react but on the other hand is it possible to over-react when one kid assaults another? I guess I'd call therapist and get input.

    I hate to say it, but I would not leave difficult child and easy child alone.

    Thinking about it - really, is it any different than what we try to teach our difficult children? Violence is never ever the answer, no matter how "mad" someone else makes you.

    Sorry you're dealing with this Sharon.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Has difficult child ever attacked easy child?
    Has easy child ever attacked you?
    Has difficult child ever attacked you?

    There are days when I was so furious and frustrated I wanted to shake difficult child until his teeth rattled. Being an adult and a parent, I didn't. If I was easy child's age, I would not have had the self control.

    Your easy child may have a few things going on that require her own evaluation and treatment plan.
    She has to know violence is unacceptable but she has seen difficult child's violence over and over for years. Why would she not go that direction?
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    What a night. I'm so sorry.

    I would probably impose the same kind of consequences as you would difficult child before the crisis respite plan. Like Fran said, she has seen it so much and if you react more strongly to her than you had with difficult child there is just going to be a lot more resentment.

  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    I've got similar issues with my easy child/difficult child 3 towards difficult child 2 and difficult child 1 (in that order). This summer, she bit difficult child 1 on two separate occasions and left very nasty bruises.

    She gets furious with me and thinks I don't punish the difficult child's effectively. Accuses me of letting them "get away with everything."

    Our psychiatrist told me to let her be in charge and make the parenting decisions for a day to see how hard it really is. I've tried that, but I don't think she gets it. She's only 9. I'm thinking, like you, that a therapist visit or two might be in order.

    Assault is assault and you have to keep that squarely on the other side of the line for unacceptable behavior that merits a consequence. You'll have to decide what's appropriate for her as well as what will be most effective. It's hard, I know. Because on the one hand, you understand where their anger and resentment is coming from, but on the other, you can't tolerate that kind of behavior. She has to learn better coping skills.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Pretty much "dittoing" what the others have said.

    It is not unusual for a teenage girl to be up and down and up and down and up and down. Some of that is typical. Loosing her patience with her obnoxious brother is understandable.....choking him is not.

    I am actually chuckling a little at difficult child's reaction (I do understand his sorrow because my difficult child is like that if easy child is angry at him). Sounds like he really is getting the consequence connection! There is always a bright spot!

    I would give easy child's therapist a ring and let him/her know about the situation and see what they think. Let them know that your gut is telling you she may need some further "looking at".

    Take care, I hope today is a little quieter.

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone! I still haven't decided on a consequence because I want to make sure what husband and I decide will stick. I know she is so frustrated with him but although she isn't violent with any of the rest of us she is constantly moping around and screaming at everyone-it's a fine line between knowing if it's typical teen or something more.

    I'm going to start with calling her pediatrician tomorrow and also we see difficult child's psychiatrist tomorrow so maybe I'll mention something to him to see if he thinks she should be seen by a psychiatrist.