UPDATE: difficult child is in psychiatric hospital....my worst nightmare

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Loving Abbey 2, Apr 12, 2008.

  1. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    I only have a few minutes. As you all know difficult child made the sword threat on Wednesday. On Thursday, prior to even talking with the prinicpal, she stated "I have a knife in my bag" to all the other kids in front of her 1:1 and teacher. Before she did this, I spoke with the principal and he was really like "not too big of a deal, just want to talk with the girls and relay that this is not acceptable". (FYI, the only person difficult child could come up with that she "maybe" said this to was a boy--it was with a girl) during that day difficult child was very defiant and oppositional in class. At one point they were trying to get her to go to the resource room to try to get some work done. (She is there 2 hours each day for math and reading and enjoys it there.) difficult child became out of control. And saisd she was leaving and they couldn't stop her. She ran through the school to the front door. Her 1:1 aid had to block the doors. SW heard what was happening as her office is near the doors and she came out. It took her 40 minutes to get difficult child to calm down a bit--she reports very manic, and difficult child said to her "you can't fix this, no one can fix this". It was all snowballing. So I took her to the ER to be screened. around midnight, hospital psychiatrist advised she should be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I asked if a partial hospital/day hospital would be possible because I think it would be traumatic for her to be fully hospitalized. He mad a bunch of calls and only found one for her age and though it was not appropriate (more for a deliquent kid than a mood disordered kid whose behaviors are linked to a medication change), and he wasn't even sure if my insurance would cover it. Knowing the agency it was through, I knew it wouldn't be covered. We went back to the room and was talking to Abbey about either we go home or you will stay at a hospital and mom will visit. difficult child said, I'll stay here, I said really, she said yes I think it will be good. So I agreed. They admitted her to the regular children's hospital until a bed could be found at a psychiatric hospital. 3am we got to the room, difficult child slept until 9:30 and she was transferred to a very close to home pshop at 5:30 last night. I was a wreck and she was already being oppositiaonl and defient when it was time for me to go home. I go back today.

    not so D-H, said when I was telling him what happened and how awful I feel about having to do it, he said well "I didn't do it" and that he wouldn't have done that, I jumped to that too soon. What a peice of work!!!!! I am leaving in a few to go to pshosp for meeting. Please send me strength--It's so hard not to cry in front of difficult child. I've been getting hysterical every moment I am alone and then have to pull myself back to gether when I am back with her. This is soooooo painful. She begged me not to leave last night--it was the worst moment of my entire life.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Michelle, having a child in a psychiatric hospital is never easy for the parents. But it really sounds as if she needs to be there. I am sending positive healing thoughts and many gentle hugs your way.
  3. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I can't imagine how hard it is to leave your child at the hospital...but it is a safe place. They are able to watch her 24/7 and make the necessary adjustments to medications and help her get more stable. You are making the right decision. Sending hugs.
  4. earthprowler

    earthprowler New Member

    Michelle, I just had my difficult child in the same place this week so i understand how you feel and what you're going through. you know you're making the right choice but it's hard to sleep because as a mother you can't help but worry anyway. the people at these hospitals are trained to deal with the kids and they do it in a very positive manner.
    i'm sorry about what your husband said to you, it may be that he can't do anything to fix the problems that have risen up for you so he feels helpless right now too. my husband felt worse than i did but we worked through it by understanding that difficult child was in the right place for the help he needed.

    sending you gentle hugs and i'll keep your family in my thoughts.

  5. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Michelle, hon, I'm so sorry and sending you many gentle caring hugs. It is never easy to have our kids admitted.

    I'm sorry husband wasn't more supportive.

    It sounds like she was really quite out of control and it becomes a safety issue. With her this unstable, admission really was the best call, as hard as it is on you. I hope that they are able to get her stablized quickly and come up with some concrete suggestions and strategies for you.

    Again, you're in my thoughts Michelle.
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Michelle, sending gentle hugs and strength.
    Your difficult child is safe in the psychiatric hospital and getting the treatment she needs. I hope they can stabilize her soon.

    Sorry that your H is being so unsupportive. Your sig says that you're separated. Do you have to communicate with him frequently during this time. Obviously he needs to know about your difficult child's health and care, but can you minimize your conversations with him until things settle down?
  8. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!


    Good thoughts and prayers being sent your way. Hopefully all she will need is a medication rethinking and the chance to talk to the SW when she wants/needs it.

    by the way, totally get it about the H (not so D) situation, mine feels I jump too quickly with Aly as well. He on the other hand would rather race her to the Dollar Store or McD's and make her life perfect. Oy vey!

  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Big hugs Michelle. About every other spring my difficult child has been in phosph his whole little life. His mania just starts getting out of control. It is so hard on us as parents though. It is horrible, painful, gutwrenching.

    My Ex said the same exact thing the last time difficult child went to phosph. What, do they read a book that tell them how to be ignorant at the most inopportune times?

    I am praying she gets the help she needs though, and will be able to released soon.
    So sorry.
  10. I am so sorry for you having to go through this. It is so hard having your child in a psychiatric hospital, even if you know it is for the best. I send you many hugs and I am sending you some strength as well.

    Keep us posted.

  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Adding my hugs and prayers...
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I am so sorry it has come to this but I truly believe it's for the best. Her behavior was certainly escalating and hospitals do not admit without sufficient cause.

    I have found that it is much easier for my husband to say the same thing when it is not him who has had to deal with her behavior. And then when he is the object of her defiance and rage or he personally observes it, he understands much better. I have tried to take a back seat recently and let him deal with her and it's harder for him to dismiss her behavior.

    I know you feel alone, I have often felt that way myself.

  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so sorry- many of us here have had to do the same thing so we understand and you are among friends. Sometimes, I just have to remind myself of the risk of what might have happenned if difficult child hadn't been admitted when he was. I know that isn't much consolation right now, so I'll just offer hugs and support...
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. My difficult child just got out of the psychiatric hospital a couple of weeks ago. You are doing the right thing not the easy thing. I wish your husband could understand that. Gentle hugs.
  15. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Why do these husbands make it so hard? As if we don't have enough to be handling. I'm sorry, Hon. I hope she gets better soon.
  16. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    First thank you all for your kind words and support.

    Today was horrible. When I got to the psychiatric hospital she was in a time out room and I could hear her screaming. Seh settled down and came in for the visit and was okay. She called me once and I called her too. Then I spoke to the staff who had been assigned to her today to get a run down of her day and she had been "held" three times, assaulted staff 4 times, at one point stated she didn't remember hurting the staff, made suicial statements--which is very new, etc. My heart is breaking. I do know that she is where she needs to be, but it makes me feel like I have failed her. I know that no one person can help her right now, but I hold myself to the high standard of being able to provide her with everything that she needs to be a happy healthy child. As unrealistic that is for a difficult child, it's what I feel my job is as her mom. I can't help my baby girl. She is my world. I feel so lost right now. I don't know what to do and I don't want to do anything. I feel guilty for eating or resting. And I know that I shouldn't. I feel so horrible. I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I can't deal with their pity and not understanding. Or any people asking where Abbey is. After seeing her today my soon to be ex husband is starting to get the picture. I am trying to limit the contact I have with him.

    The worst part is that it feels like I am losing her. It's like her body is there but SHE is not. She'll have a few moments of clarity and then be gone again. I want my baby girl back! I just keep crying. The saddness is overwhelming. And her little voice saying I want to come home is ripping out my heart. I don't want her to hate me because of this. I fear that she will never forgive me.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    She will come back to you!!! Hang in there, you will get through this. She will be your baby again. They are trying to help her. I am hoping for stability for her as soon as possible. I am so sorry for your hurting Mommy heart.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am so sorry that you feel this pain and that you have to go through this. It is clear that you are blaming yourself and want to "save" your child from all of this. Actually, I think it is probably a good thing that she is letting all this come out while she is in a "safe place" and it will give the doctors the most information to help her. So, let's just think this through-

    Ok, first things first. One- you are not failing her , you're doing your best to help her. Second, she can be a healthy, happy child, she just isn't right now, and you are doing everything you can to give her that best shot- it is not being in the psychiatric hospital that made her unhappy- she is in there because she wasn't emotionally healthy; thirdly, right now, she can't be the child that you are used to, but the treatment will help that personality return, albeit it might be a little different, you should be able to see a lot of "her old self" once she is stabilized; fourthly, she is becoming a pre-adolescent and we, as parents, seem to realize, and have to realize about this time, that we can no longer answer all those questions and meet every single need that our child has anymore- what we can do is make sure that those answers and solutions are provided by someone else who is appropriate- that is what you are doing. It is hard and I feel your pain- it does bring back the memories of how very difficult this is- but let your "mommy" gut feelings come through here and hang in there- I honestly believe that you are doing what is best for your child. She will forgive you. She will come to understand. But most of all, you didn't fail her- you have saved her from the worst nightmare that many parents have had to face and that many parents wish that they could have ended up in your shoes right now.

    The husband part of this- I don't know and can't respond. I can only hope for you that he steps up to the plate. You nor your daughter need anyone around who isn't part of the solution right now. Neither of you need criticism, that is for sure.

    I wish I knew the right thing to say- I really want to help relieve your pain because I know how much it hurt when I had to go through this with my son. Looking back on it, I can only think and say that I honestly don't believe he would be here if those steps hadn't been taken. It is still hard, but there is a hope here that wasn't here before.

    Right now,, this seems like the "worst" for you- there will come a day, I truly believe, when you might see this as what saved her, not what was the worst day in the world.

    Keep posting-
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Honey, I know this hurts your mommy heart. been there done that.

    I can tell you that she is sick. She is not in the hospital because you have failed. When she gets a cold or the flu it is not your fault. It is the fault of the germs. MAYBE you could stretch it and say it is the fault of her body's immune system, but mostly it isn't a fault.

    This is the same thing. It is not due to any lack of caring, lack of parenting, over caring, over parenting, or any other factor. It is ONLY the fault of the illness.

    You have done the very best thing a mom can do in this situation. You got your seriously ill child the help she so seriously needed.

    It is scary. Any time one of our babies is sick it is scary. You will have to face the fears, and the illness as it comes. She is a very lucky girl - she has a really strong mom. A mom who is strong enough, determined enough, and caring enough to make sure the doctors give whatever help is available to her.

    It is very important you find some help for yourself right now. You cannot be there for her if you are not taking care of yourself. I know you hate this. I hate that it is needed. Please find a counsellor or minister or someone you can talk to. You have a lot going on right now. Please eat, rest and take time to replenish your stores of strength. You need to take the respite available now while she has doctors, nurses and other staff to monitor her and meet her needs around the clock. She will come home and you will be all of those people. At that point you MUST have all the strength possible, physically and emotionally.

    Sending hugs and prayers to guide you through this darkened pathway,

  20. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    If you can, think of the things you need to do for yourself (such as eating and resting) as the things that will help you be strong for her--if you feel guilty about doing them for yourself you can think that you are doing them for her because she needs you to be as strong, healthy, and stable as you can be for her.

    I absolutely know she does not hate you and will forgive you--probably thank you some day when she is old enough to understand all the things you have done for her. My difficult child 1 used to tell me how much she hated me and wished I was dead and I am sure she meant them in those angry moments but she now, at almost 20 yrs old, tells me she understands I did everything I could for her and she is very thankful for the things I did when she was young.

    Thinking of you,