Update, Downdate, whatev!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PonyGirl, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    In my Leap Day thread, both Suz & Scent asked for an update, so here goes.

    In early December, difficult child's fiance came to see me. She told me difficult child has been using, since last February. yep. That makes it over a year now he's been using again. difficult child & girlfriend had been struggling since early summer with their relationship. girlfriend finally ended it before Christmas.

    difficult child moved in with old using buddy. Had no money. Continued to work. Right after Christmas, he hit up his dad for $400. to pay for security deposit on a new apartment. His dad gave it to him. difficult child needed desparately to move to his own place because his PO would violate him otherwise, as he was living with another guy on probation & that's no good.

    Also in that time frame, difficult child takes up with a new girlfriend.

    difficult child claims he is not using anymore.

    I met the new girlfriend, seems like a nice person. She works at the same place as difficult child. She has a 5 yr old daughter who lives with bio-dad. Not sure if she's divorced or what the rest of that story is. She has regular visits with daughter, who lives about 4 hours away, so there's a bunch of driving involved to meet half-way.

    difficult child showed up here last weekend, remembered my birthday. He came alone, said girlfriend was at her parents with her daughter. He appeared ... tired. I asked if he was staying clean, he said yes. I asked if he was getting to meetings, he said no. I left it at that.

    He is spending all his spare time with a local kid who's an old using buddy. He says he's working about 70 hrs a week, so he shouldn't have much spare time, but still.

    When people ask me how's difficult child? I say fine. Do I really think he's fine? No. But, that part of my life with him is over. I can't shield or defend or try to change him, and it's nice for me that I don't have to stress about it. I'm is a 'we'll see' mode.

    It's okay, for now!

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sometimes, pony, that's all we can do with these children of ours. They are adults. They have a disease that we can not possibly begin to understand. It is their disease. As long as they don't rob us, assault us, terrorize us, then what's a parent to do. It is heartbreaking to know that their choices are not the ones they should be making. But, they are their choices.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Thanks for the update. I can hear the resignation in your voice, PG. I'm sorry.

  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    These are good words for me to remember too, Pony.

    Heartbreaking to need to remember them, though.

    Keeping a good thought for your son.

  5. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    "I can't shield or defend or try to change him"

    Good for me to remember too. :( It is a process to get there though isn't it! :(

    Ponygirl, sending you hugs and I have much admiration for where you are. I know the worry sometimes crops up and heartache may be underlying but you are taking care of yourself. That is what is important now.

    I was thinking the other day, well I have thought about it a lot really, how our roles as mom's change when they become "legally" an adult. Most of us know that emotionally and mentally they are not but that doesn't matter anymore. We really have no choice but to step back and watch.... and pray. :(

    Sending more gentle hugs.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    That post had a lot of wise and sage thoughts /advice for others.

    Thanks for the update - Glad to hear you are able to put on a smiley face some days. (I'm taking notes)