Update: let the ride begin

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Well son got a job and living in sober house for about 4 weeks and states he has been attending AA meetings weekly. Family coming back together with smiles. Early this AM alarm goes off the dogs barking and there's son sleeping in the backyard. Why oh why oh why?? He claims he and his roommate got into a fight and the house made both leave for 7 days. I said why didn't you walk away why didn't you tell the leader? Now you are homeless. He says he dont want to go to dope house. But I want to believe he wants sobriety but I have doubt! He asked to stay here. I just dont know. I'm just so pist that he didn't walk away. Here I go again blaming self for his actions and fearing him turning back to dope! Why and what now?
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Why is this your fault????

    IIam so very sorry. Sadly, my guess about his story is that its not all true, if true at all, and that he just isnt ready to be sober so he made up a story to satisfy you and make you feel sorry for him. He wants the comfort of home. My guess.

    I think it would be a mistake to let him back home but jmo.

    Love and light!
     
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  3. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Can you call sober house and get real story? Offer to go to AA with him to find out if he's telling truth?

    Is 7 days in the yard possible? If he's serious a lounge or tent in the yard beats a drug house. Mine's slept there when I wouldn't let him in. If it's only 7 days of course.

    Sorry... No answers but maybe ferreting out the truth would make you more comfortable with a decision.
     
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  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Joy I’m so sorry. It does sound like perhaps you’re not getting the full story here. It’s so frustrating to see them keep stumbling like this, just when you think they are making progress.

    What are his options if you don’t let him stay? Can you make it his responsibility to figure out where he will stay since he has lost his housing for this week? Does he have any money to pay for a cheap motel perhaps? A (sober) friend he can stay with? I would also be wary about offering refuge from a self created problem. On the other hand, if he is serious about wanting to get sober and wants to go back to the sober house in 7 days, you don’t want to see a small setback turn into a full on relapse.

    But whatever you decide don’t blame yourself. Only he is responsible for his actions, whatever you decide to do or not do for him. If you do not let him back into your home, you are not pushing him back into dope.
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. Remember, you are not obligated to do anything for him. You can only do what you can live with but don't let fear or guilt persuade your response.
    This is a natural consequence to his actions, again, you are not obligated to fix this for him.

    Perhaps you can contact the sober house to find out what really happened. They may or may not share this with you. When our children are adults we do not always have access to answers.

    Whatever you decide make sure you factor in your own safety first.

    ((HUGS))
     
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh my gosh my son lied to us so many times when he'd get kicked out. Would swear up and down that so and so beat him up, stole his money, he didn't really smoke weed, etc. etc.

    I just didn't even want to talk to him - or anyone - who lies every time they open their mouth.

    I think if you have to "wonder" if he's serious about getting sober - he isn't.

    We want it to be true more than anything in this world so we sometimes kid ourselves. We want everything to be normal and okay and put this in our rearview mirror. Now!!

    I do hope that he is ready to change. Nothing is worse than the wait. Or the not knowing if they ever really will change.
     
  7. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thanks everyone yet again for the uplifts and getting my mind out of the fog! Yall have no idea how yall help me on here.
    He sat on my porch all night and my brother text me saying hes trying to help. But he can't stay with him but he doesn't know what to do. I explained to my brother that I have set boundaries awhile ago and I just can't offer shelter. He said he dont want him to relapse.
    I read if he used dope than hes not ready. If hes really serious he will figure it out. I agree! My son needs to take ownership of his actions and man up! If the story is true he can go back on Tuesday. I'd thought about going to find out what really happened but hes not a child. I don't think I can stomach the truth if it was lies!
    I do know I don't feel comfortable him in my home! It sad how he has no sober friends to turn too. It's just sad.
    Joysheph
     
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  8. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Go girl!!! Stick to the plan! Sleeping on the porch sounds safe to me.

    He's still in sober living. Only sober people he knows are in sober living. Takes time to make new friends. Very typical. All old friends done with them when they were using. No, he doesn't have any sober friends to go to. Very typical.
     
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    We want so bad to trust them and they play on that. I agree that he shouldn't be in your home . If you feel safe with him in a tent in the yard it sounds like a compromise. It would last only until the 7 days is up though then you will know if he lied or not.