Update On Our 31 Year Old Son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Scott_G, Sep 16, 2013.

  1. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    When last we left our story, our 31 year old son was Miami bound on a Greyhound and his 20 year old girlfriend was headed back home to live with her aunt and uncle. Well that lasted all of about two weeks. According to our son, there are no jobs in the Miami area and the $75 a week efficiency was more like a room at a seedy motel. He told his mother that drugs were everywhere at that place and he needed to get away from that because he was trying to stay clean. So one random day he leaves us a voicemail saying he is back in town. This was certainly not what I wanted to hear. I was happy to see him leave because I just wanted the distance between us and hoped he would be able to learn to live on his own (or not) without his mother constantly babying him.

    One of his friends got him a job doing construction work and let him crash on the couch at his apartment. His new boss also lets our son use the company truck for personal business since he has no car. His 20 year old girlfriend lives about 45 minutes away. It didn't take long for our son to start making a pain in the ass of himself and causing trouble in our marriage. He calls his mother every day and makes some excuse to stop by our house nearly every day. This only serves to make me more angry. I know much of society would think I am a terrible person for what I am about to write, but, I really have no interest in having a relationship with my son. He's a no good, junkie, loser, and I am so over his lying and manipulative ways. I wish him the best, but I want him completely out of my life. My wife on the other hand, can't let go of the mothering. She doesn't want to turn him away and make him upset because his life is so bad right now. When he comes over, the tension is so thick in the air you can cut it with a knife. I have nothing to say to him and I don't even want him there. My wife tells me that she resents me because of my behavior toward him.

    It's the little things that really anger me lately. Our son acts more like a stray puppy dog hanging out for food. He finds excuses to come over almost every day and I feel very strongly that he comes over because he wants something. He and my wife both smoke, and EVERY SINGLE TIME he comes to our house, he takes, not asks, tells his mother he's just going to grab a few cigarettes. He came over one time and I walked into the kitchen and he was looking in our fridge to see what we had! He also shows up with bags of dirty laundry. He's a grown ass man for crying out loud, not a college kid home for a long weekend. My wife thinks I am petty about the laundry situation. After all, it's just a few cents worth of detergent and some water. But to me it's the principle. Why should I have to pay for that detergent, water, and the oil to heat the water for a 31 year old (alleged) MAN who is perfectly able to take care of himself? He can go to the laundromat for all I care. Out of 4 trips to our house to do laundry, two times he has left his clothes in either the washer or dryer, and he has also left the basement lights on after he was done. What a disrespectful jerk, but I expect nothing less. Give him an inch, and he will take a mile. On Labor Day weekend we invited him over. I offered him a beer, and without asking for another, he helped himself to 8 more!

    I'm sick of the pity party too. He realizes his life is in deep doo-doo, but he sits around and feels sorry for himself and tries to manipulate his mother. He whines about how much he misses his girlfriend because he can't see her too often and neither of them have any privacy where they are living. He actually offered my wife $400 a month if we let the two of them live with us. That won't happen in my lifetime. Been there done that. My wife did seem to be falling for his tricks again. We have started fighting more since he's back in town. She told me again that she resents me because she has to turn her son away when he wants to come over because of me (mostly he comes over to visit when I am not home). I don't want him in my house because he is a disrespectful liar, and since he is a heroin addict (despite telling his mother he is done with it) I worry that he will eventually start stealing from us. He definitely seemed wasted a few times when he showed up at our house.

    While he claims to be done with the drugs, I don't believe it one bit. Heroin is not a recreational drug that someone can just stop taking if they want to. Despite having a job, he's also broke all the time. Other than a very small rent, he has no other bills, so he shouldn't be broke. He did tell his mother that he's paying his girlfriends cell phone bill. Speaking of girlfriend, she got a job at Starbucks and called in sick three times in the first two weeks of work. She admits to being an addict and she wants to try to get on disability instead of working. Sounds a lot like they are just doing drugs together and he's spending all his money on her. It's as if he really has no interest in turning his life around. All he wants to do is get high and get laid, and someone else should take care of him AND his girlfriend. It all just makes me sick. How a grown man can behave like this is absolutely mind blowing.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy Scott, I so know how you feel. I am so sorry. It's all made so much worse for you since you and your wife are NOT on the same page and your son is now creating a rift between you and your wife. Unfortunately, that is all too common. You are wanting to detach, you wife is continuing to enable your son. He is 31 years old, you have every right to feel exactly the way you feel, he is manipulating your wife and taking advantage and worse, he is driving a wedge between you and your wife so he can continue to get his infantile needs met.

    Have you tried going to therapy with your wife so you can build a bridge you can both stand on? With him in the picture, things will likely escalate until you all reach the boiling point. It may be prudent to attempt to avoid that and get some support for YOU and your spouse. It's devastating to detach from our adult children and all to often there are casualties...........I hope you and your wife can find a way to handle this together.

    But for you? I agree with you. I believe you have every single right in the world to feel exactly as you do. He is a grown man. He is likely an addict. He is manipulative, a liar, lazy and needs to hit his own bottom where he can possible learn to pick himself up or not. Enabling him does him damage, sends a message that he is a victim who needs rescuing. It keeps them stuck. It is a disservice and in reality is done for us not them so as to keep that horrible feeling of powerlessness at bay. It is a negative and destructive pattern of behavior. I am sorry. You must feel so alone in all of this. In my opinion you are the only one facing the truth and seeing reality. And, yet you are being cast as the bad guy, that really bites.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    There are days when I need to hear what Recovering has to say as much as the person she's responded to does.

    Thank you, Recovering.

    I agree that if you and your wife can find any kind of support group to attend together, it will help both your marriage and the friction over your son. One of the primary benefits of a support group is hearing strangers describe the things that are happening in their homes because of their addicted kids ~ and realizing their stories are identical to our own. It helps us get it that what has happened to our kids has nothing to do with loving them enough or with giving them enough chances or enough money. Everything that is happening to our kids is happening because their lives revolve around their drugs of choice. If your son's girlfriend is using and your son, though working, is always short of cash, then you are right ~ your son is using, too.

    As long as they are using, there is nothing we can do for them.


  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    If your wife does not want to go to counseling, I would go without her. I totally understand your feelings of wanting him out of your life. We reach a point where we just can't take it any more, the years of stress were taking a toll on my health.

    My son just contacted me after almost a year and I was hesitant to get in touch with him. I finally left him a short message on FB, until he gets his life together I would rather not know what is going on.

    As hard as it was to not help (enable) my son anymore, it was the best thing I could do for ME. I finally understood that he was not going to help himself as long as someone else did it for him. He actually went no contact with me after I ignored his suicide threats when I refused to send money.

    I had people tell me there was no way they would ever lose contact with their child. in my opinion, they haven't been pushed far enough! These aren't teens any more, by their age they should be settled and able to support themselves.

    Sounds like your wife has not reached that point yet. I agree with you, he will continue to use her as long as he can. And I also would be concerned about stealing.

    Wishing you a stress free day.