Update to Brrrrrrrother and Meeting.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well---I went in Light Saber at the ready - and chose to leave the space suit in my space ship. ;)

    This was the first meeting EVER in the history of meetings in over 11 years that I EVER felt at east. I went in hackles up - and left feeling like I was actually included and more importantly and foremost - that my son's voice was heard and respected.

    I think you would have been proud of him!! HE spoke first and mentioned the letter. It was simply a mistake. Which gave him a chance to say - Then it's official - We ALL make mistakes, have oversights, have things that get overlooked. He told caseworkers boss that if the dir. signed two letters like that in ink....and didn't read them - she's human.

    He also said from this point on - I (Mom is to be included in all meetings) no excuses. Then he explained how he had a plan A and what HE wanted to do with his future upcoming year and a plan B - what he would settle for if plan A could not be a reality (sit down for this one) DUE TO THE MISTAKES AND GOOFING OFF he has made in the past. :faint::confused:;) and has had a long time to think (get that THINK) about where he wants to go and he's tired of being a DUMB:censored2:, He laid out his plans/thoughts/ideas. He asked for help. (My jaw hit the table and the caseworkers boss had to put his eyes back in his head) Most everything Dude asked for even going back to HS - Caseworker's boss said DOOABLE!! Was very excited about this new attitude. Very excited about the new thought process. Possibly one of the nicest, most focused meetings we've all had.

    Then they talked about the apartments. The foster dad spoke up and said he didn't think it was a good idea. I said I wasn't sure BECAUSE - if he's there - he won't be at the smaller country high school. Because plan B is - if high school is not an option (Dude was straight A student so hoping it is) then it's GED - and graduation walk with class. Does not want to go back to larger HS in the district of the apartment and refused to go.

    Don't blame him - lots of gangs and people who didn't "get" him before. He said he thinks he can do well and graduate with smaller school atmosphere. He wants to try it. They said with an IEP he may have to "test in" to see if he can. He said fine. There is still a meeting about the apartments next week but the other problems with the apartments are -
    IT COSTS MONEY, it's not rent free. You pay for utilities, and for food, and for your cab/rides - you have to have a job - and Dude has over $4k in fines LEFT....how can he pay fines, do community service 1/2 way across town nearly 50 miles away without a car or license? He said he could not go to school, and then he would be a dummy forever. He thinks if he can graduate it may be a place to transition to. He also thinks if he can go to HS - he could get a pt. job.

    I think if he can graduate - and get off probation - we are moving and he can go where he wants to go. He'll have a diploma, no fines, and be 20. If he gets SSI - and can get a part time job, AND get some vocational training in High school - he could work into a job. THAT was very exciting to him. So 19 becomes 17 mentally today - and it's catching up and growing up. It was a far cry from the meetings I remember with him throwing chairs or falling under the table or falling asleep or yelling BORING this stinks (worse Know what I mean?) or screaming "ARE YOU ALL DONE YET?" and having to be excused while everyone sat there and talked about him like he was someone elses child and I felt so lost and hurt, angry and defensive. Or they would make decisions to send him so far away for his best interest and I couldn't see him but once a month. He's come a long way. Especially since we walked out of this meeting with him hugging me and thanking me for being there for him and making sure everything for him was covered. ;) (puts light sabre back in purse) vrrrrrt....

    Like I said - I've never been made to feel more a part of a meeting and Dude said that I'm to be invited to every meeting from here on out - 19,20 or whatever age because I'm the MOM that's why - and everyone laughed because that's been MY line for years when HE wanted to know something. :peaceful:

    THE FORCE WAS WITH ME......and which one of you kept tapping on the blinking window? lol.....:tongue: - EVERYONE heard it. I felt everyones presence in the room - VERY ominous.

    Thanks all -
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    Wow. What shining moment THAT was! You have every reason to be hopeful, and proud, and, well... HAPPY about the way things are heading.

    :bravo: Great job, Dude!
  3. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    Way to go, Star and Dude! That was a fabulous update and both of you deserve to be proud of yourselves and each other!

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star...everything sounds wonderful. He just needs to be out of that foster care placement. They are going to sabotage everything he tries to do. You know that, I know that.

    You are going to hit me for this but...can he not come home now?
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It sounds good. Pardon my skepticism only because Rob was fully capable of saying those kinds of things to get his way but at 19 he still wasn't ready to follow through and he had deeper holes to fall in before he was ready to start crawling up. I hope Dude is maturing earlier than Rob and that he is able and truly willing to do the hard work he purports he is.

    I'm delighted that it was such an optimistic meeting overall. Isn't it wonderful not to cry or rage or feel like you have to defend yourself at one of these meetings???

  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I truly hope he is up to this.
    But his words alone made me cry.
    I am proud of all of you. I am so proud of his resolve at the meeting, it is a step.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Awesome possum, girlie! I'm glad the meeting of the future went well.
  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Wow. What a great job Dude did of presenting himself, his point of view, and his plans. It sounds like he really thought things through and has lined up his ducks in a row, and even though follow-through is still to come, he is off on the right foot! You must have been so proud and happy at what he did today. And his courtesy to you ... wonderful.

    So happy for you.
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green



    And WAY TO GO MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That sounds like one of the best meetings EVER!!!!

    Oh and that wasn't tapping. I was pitching some of the white chocolate chips from my Cold Stone ice cream at the window. Glad you heard it....I thought my aim was off today! LOL

    And not to bring up negative stuff but have any of these people addressed the stuff going on at the fosters?
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    ALL RIGHT!!! GO DUDE!!!!

    I am so glad that he is working toward a goal. I think that like some relatives of mine, Dude will go all out 210% toward his goals. I once commented to a cousin that if he spent half the effort to do something with his life that he spent trying to get into trouble, then he would be an amazing success - on the order of Sam Walton! Of course, this was after he spent ten years trying to find as much trouble as he possibly could!

    I think Dude will put his back into this and keep his eyes on the prize.

    What, if anything, did he say about the foster family? Are they still being horrible to him? Does he have a cell phone he can take video with or a small camera so he can document if they do anything to him or to get rid of his stuff again?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I bet Princess Pooty Glitterbritches is just as proud as punch that her boy is growing up!
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Star, he did well. He really is a credit to you.

  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Terrific update Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sounds like Dude is done falling into the pit of stinkin thinkin and is moving on towards .... ADULTHOOD!

    What a great set of goals, realistic and alternate plans. WOOT WOOT!!
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Wow Star, how wonderful!
    And Yay Dude!
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Ya both did gooood! :D
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Stang - Ice cream chips huh? Yeah - that's about right...I'm on a diet and MY friend throws ice cream - :tongue: You - to the Stone Cold Creamery NOW! - Waffle cone light, chocolate dutch with almonds, coconut, and whip cream....lots of it. :( in my dreams.

    Suz, it did occur to me that this could be one of those - "I'll baffle them with BS and they'll leave me alone." comments. However if it is, then it's on him, but this morning he has already gone to the school and was dressed ready to attend high school. The office staff told him he can't attend after he's been to GED classes. He took it well, and is depressed but called and said "It's plan B Momma, GED." He got very excited about vocational auto mechanics. The upside is - he went to do some work for a man that owns an auto towing place and has already removed an engine and two fenders, and cleaned the shop. He is in his element working with his hands. He used to be in his element with only one finger so it's an improvement. :whiteflag:

    He's earning money to bail his car out of jail. He's worked out a deal with the chief of police, on his own and is doing menial chores in hot heat - and everyone was told to work him like a dog so he would appreciate getting the car back WHICH will be put in storage until he gets fines paid, license, registration and insurance.

    Susie* - Funniest thing about Princess Pootie - She loves her Daddie. They have a bond that is undeniable. SHe lights up and literally smiles for him every time he's at the house. SO for his birthday she wanted to do something VERY special. She earned $ by NOT chewing up her toys for one week and got him a smiley face mylar balloon and we wrote on it. Happy Birthday OXOX I love you cause you make me smile a lot! and we put it on a bag of one of his gifts. We left last night to go get these tires and when we came back opened the door and the ballon had gotten off the handle of the bag and was bobbing around in the dining room - Pootie growled, barked and literally ran into a wall scared trying to get out of the room. DF had to pick her up and carry her back into the house where she kept buffing and woofing. This morning - tail tucked she dashed out of the hall to the kitchen and almost broke her leg trying to get out the door. (I forgot about the big huge awful, disgusting smiley balloon) So the plan is out for her to have it tied to her collar to give to her Daddy. lol poor kid.

    Janet - I'll deal with YOU in private! lol. But truthfully -He's the one that has to stay there...and while I'm not happy about a LOT of things that goes on - there are not a (let me see how the Mentor lady put it...OH yeah WHITE foster homes) - I thought is she serious??? They do not want to place a white 19 year old kid in a black foster home in a black neighborhood - she said it causes problems - I asked - FOR WHOM?? The kid thinks he's black. - You could have heard a cricket blink. Never did get an answer. Moving right along. I guess what she was telling me in a polite way was - it's either the apartments he can't afford, stay where he's at, come home (try to put DF's eyeballs back in his head), or be in a shelter. If he's in a shelter - he's in violation of probation and it's back to jail for 30 years.

    GCVchickey, Katya02, Toto, Cakewalk, Trinity+ babies, Nomad, Mattsmom277, & my little Roo-doo from down under- G'day....thank you all so much for the kind words. I appreciate your checking in on the Dude.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Woo hoo!

    I am so glad for this. I think he's headed in the right direction. I was a little skeptical till I read the part where he had a backup plan. I am really glad he got into this!!!

    Give him a hug from me. In fact if he will let you, give him two!
  18. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh AWESOME!!!! Cool cool cool! Way To Go!
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gawd....I am now so sure we have twinsies. The foster home comment cemented it...lmao. Cory is a wangster. Or he used to be. Not so much anymore. Still calls himself a G though...lmao. Still looks like Puff daddy or whatever the latest rapper is. Keyana has learned to do that two finger peace sign with both hands in front of her with the arms crossed...lol.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Star, formal qualifications are what it's all about. Getting the piece of paper however, is what matters. Whether you get the high school diploma, or something that is equivalent - what matters is where you let it take you in life.

    sister in law didn't do too well in his high school results. He graduated, but his marks weren't high enough for him to get into uni. He drifted for a few years living on unemployment and watching his friends go downhill socially and professionally. We have a college route, it's available for evening classes and used so much for adult education (often replacing high school, providing high school equivalency for older people who never qualified in their youth) thta it's actually a great environemnt for people who had trouble with school for all sorts of reasons. It was originally developed as a place to do the formal study compoonent for apprenticeships, but is' broadened now.
    Well, sister in law did a course. He chose Explosive, because he likes making things go bang. He and his friend did the same course and at one point looked like taking a job working on a goldmine in WA. But at te last minute sister in law felt it wasn't quite right for him. He did another course - computers. Wow, he liked this one and amazingly he got good results. Better than he ever thought he had been capable of.
    So he did another course. And another. Each one was the next stage, the next level up. Once he had gone as far as he could, he had a Diploma from college. Armed with tis diploma, he approached the universities and was offered advanced standing in an IT course. He was therefore able to bypass first year uni and half of second year, which (if you know uni courses!) meant he could bypass a lot of the 'rubbish' fill-in subjects. He went straight to the meat and three veg of the course. And did brilliantly, coming top of his class. So from barely scraping though his high school graduation, he did course tat didn't even need high school graduation, then was able to use them to go into uni and do brilliantly. He had employers knocking on his door bidding for his services. Now he and easy child each earn more than husband & I combined.

    When we're young, being able to be with our peers and share the same success in the same stages, is all we can think about. But what does it matter in five years time? In ten years time?

    I did well in high school. We did the graduation thing (as much as we did it in those days in Australia). But for various reasons I did not do well in uni. I finally had to take time out and have my family, then go back to uni when at last I did really well. I finally got my uni degree and got all the paperwork to deal with the graduation ceremony. My employer was supposed to give me the day off to attend graduation - uni graduation is THE big deal here in Australia. The boss was happy for me to go - but I chose not to. It was gonig to cost money, but I had taken so long to finish my degree, I had little connection to my classroom peers. I had attended other graduations and found them to be tedious. For most people they are a marknig of the boundary between education, and employment. I was already working and had been for years, I didn't need that. Plus there were a lot of coss in there - costs to hire the gowns and mortar board, costs for this, costs for that. Only two tickets permitted and husband was not going to be able to get time off work to come watch. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was less than a year old and still breastfed, I would have to make arangements for her.
    So I made the choice to skip my own graduation. I don't regret it. If hI had gone, I would be glad I had done it, but I don't regret not doing it.

    husband & I (& sister in law, when he was still BF1) went to easy child's graduation. It was as dull as such things usually are, the only exciting moment for us was easy child going up on the stage. We didn't know anybody else, none of the speeches' in jokes made sense to us. It meant more to easy child to have us there, than for us to be there. We already KNOW she's a bright girl!

    And now she's been working in her chosen profession for the last few years, her graduation is a fading memory, meaningless in terms of her life NOW. What matters now is how she lives her life, in her work and in her home. As for sister in law - he is so happy in his profession, and very much valued. His high schooling was a mess, but he has dragged himself up by his bootstraps, from a very rough start.
    Please share this with Dude and help him see that he is finally making great progress in getting on with the most important part of his life - the rest of it.

    There are other plans after Plan B, too. There is a whole alphabet and more. Dud'es generation will have five or more careers in succession. I look at easy child, who is 27. So far she has been a dance teacher, a dancer, a singer, and now an Occupational Therapist. Her original aim was to work with children but took a jon in geriatrics while she waited for the paeds opening. Then she has found her niche in geriatrics. But now she's moving into community health and from here, who knows?

    sister in law was at first unemployed, then studying explosives. Then studying cmputers. He was on social security most of his life (one form or another) and now WORKS for them, keepnig their computers running well and their software behaving itself. He thought it was funny, when he first began his first real job - he still got his cheques from Centrelink! ONly now, it's for a bit more than previously...

    easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been a singer, a circus performer, a face painter (all round circus brat) and then a photographic model, an actress, a teacher of circus skills, a checkout chick (two different stores) and now is studying formally to teach young children.

    difficult child 3 is only 15 but has already done paid work as an actor. It is NOT his planned career path! He will go into computers for sure, probably taking the same route as sister in law.

    So encourage Dude - it may take him a little longer but while he waits, there are other alternatives he can follow, to boost his chances. He can do volunteer work of various sorts and ALL volunteer work makes him look good to a future employer. He should get on te computer and write up his own CV now, and from here on keep it updated. It's much easier to quickly update a CV, than to begin one from scratch. Voluunteer work should get listed because it's all brownie points.

    One suggestion for volunteer work - go visit old people in retirement homes or nursing homes. Take a tape recorder and get them talking. Especially focus on veterans, or pioneers - stories don't get told until too late, then only half a story (if that) is the only legacy. Dude then types up the transcripts and passes it on to whoever the person is willnig to let have it (usually family). ALWAYS keep a copy somewhere on file. Sometimes what tey see may seem mundane or boring. It's only years later that it seems more important, as such information gets lost.

    In the process of doing this, he will learn about himself. He will learn technical skills, he will learn social interaction skills, he will learn patience and negotiation. And because it's voluntary, he can walk away if he's having a bad day.

    Star, think back to your earliest memories. They probably don't seem to be anything special, because there are many other people who share similar memories. But in years to come, such information will be much more scarce.

    Maybe Dude could write a book about his own life so far, with a view to helping other kids who might be walking into the same problems he had. And even if he is illiterate, it doesn't matter. There is a way. I've published a book for a woman who is illiterate (or should I say, WAS). Her determination saw her thghout and her ability now to write and use a computer is amazing.

    He sounds like he now has the determination. There will be obstacles and he won't be alone in being a person who has to face them. But if he can keep this determination, he will find ways to get places.

    I said it before - he's a credit to you. Please share with him what I have said, about where the world can take him from here.