Upset with easy child daughter for a change

[KFld]

rearly ever have a problem with 17 yr old easy child daughter. She has been my savior through all my drama with difficult child, because she is such a great kid. Anyway, this is her first year driving and last night they were predicting possibly an inch of snow in our area. She has been warned that when it snows she will not be driving until husband can take her out for some practice. I went in last night to tell her that if there was snow this a.m. I would be driving her to school. She wasn't happy and started trying to use the fact that she brings her girlfriend to school everyday, so I would have to provide her a ride also. I said, I don't think so! I explained that I would have to leave work as it's midterm week and they didn't have to be in until 9:30, to bring her and pick her up and then make up my time and I wasn't using extra time to drive accross town for her girlfriend. She tried telling me her girlfriend will have to miss school then because she's responsible for getting her there, so it will be my fault if she misses her midterm, to which I replied again, I don't think so! She tried everything from her mother is sleeping already so she can't even tell her she needs a ride. I got very angry and told her it's her friends parents responsibility to get her back and forth when it snows and that they need to consider themselves fortunate that is the only time they need to take her to school, or work as they both work together.

I closed the door and as I was walking down the hall I heard her say to her friend, my mom is an f'ng piece of s!!!! I went back into her room and I flipped. She tried apologizing, but I wouldn't even hear it and then I went to bed. Of course I didn't sleep very well because I couldn't even believe she would say that.

This morning I left her a text message, because we didn't get the snow, that she was to drive to school, to work, and then straight home for the night because she needs to take some time and think about why she would call me that. She texted me back saying she said it out of anger, she was sorry, she had stayed awake thinking about it all night and of course did not mean it. I texted her back saying, believe me I thought about it all night too. I know she's a teenager and she was mad, but I was so hurt that she would say that. I've decided she needs to stew over this a little and I will not give in and let her go out tonight. She can sit home without her car and hopefully think about what her reply to me will be next time I tell her she can't do something.

 

[amstrong]

Gotta love those teens (difficult child or easy child) when you cross 'em. I think you are doing the right thing letting her stew. I havehad to do the same thing with my difficult child-which you KNOW was not as easy. It sounds like easy child is sorry and letting her stew will, like you say, give her time to think about this and maybe this will not happen again.

I am sorry she hurt your feelings-I hate when they do that. Keep in mind, she will have this to go thrugh herself in years to come and she WILL remember this episode and the way her mom handled it.

Hugs,

 

[Suz]

Well, even pcs aren't perfect, of course. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, Karen. It sounds as if your easy child has a pretty solid conscience and already feels badly but a night to stew about it is probably a good idea. In keeping with natural consequences, since her comment was over the phone, I'd also take her phone for the evening. :cool:

Hugs,
Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

Well like suz said...even easy child's arent really perfect. They are teens and subject to those typical teen moments. Im sorry she upset you but it sounds like she was upset with herself which was a very good thing.

Rejoice...she will have a child do this to her one day in the not so distant future!

 

[Fran]

You have my sympathies. I would have been devastated. You sort of keep your defenses up with difficult child but easy child's let us let our hair down.
The fact she talks like that about anyone but especially someone she loves is very obnoxious. Fortunately, easy child's usually learn from their mistake.

I'm not sure I would punish her as much as explain that you are a person with feelings. How would she feel if she overheard her mother telling a friend those very words? Sometimes I think kids think we are just robots. I don't about you but I wasn't born a mom(as my kids think)We know they are trying to be grown up but that sort of talk does not signal maturity but ignorance. She wouldn't talk to a stranger on the street that way, why talk like that to her family. Ugh.
You can't dictate that she talk nice to you or show you appropriate respect with punishment but I wouldn't knock myself out doing anything other a roof and food for a while.

In case you haven't heard good stuff from your kids today, you are not a piece of **** but a really smart,hard working, competent woman. We can't pick our kids but if we could we would all pick kids that had a civil tongue in their heads.

 

[KFld]

Thanks guys, as always. I know she's a typical teenager and I think I sometimes forget that. She also is suffering from the natural consequences of knowing how much she hurt me and said herself, that she thought about it all night, which means she must not have slept well either.

I guess I'll wait and see how things go when she comes home from work this afternoon, and what she may have to say to me, and then decide how much further I should push it.

 

[DDD]

Teens.....yikes, even the good ones are a pain in the booty!
Hugs. DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

I'm sorry Karen. That was entirely uncalled for on your easy child's part. Personally I think you are too lenient. If it were my kid I would make them take the S*C*H*O*O*L*B*U*S for a week!

Fran, When I taught at a local HS I can tell you that even the good kids use that kind of language constantly. We were supposed to write them up whenever they did which is what I did until the Assistant Principal told me to stop. He said that to do that we would be overfilling the detention hall. Three write ups sent the kids to detention and earned a call home to the parents. AP said we didn't have enough staff to handle it if we followed the rule to the letter. So we just admonished them in the classroom and halls when we heard the vulgarities. The kids either smirked or laughed at us under their breath. -RM

 

[everywoman]

Okay---she's made a mistake. I'm sure she feels much worse than you do about it. I agree with Fran, explain to her that she hurt your feelings. Apply a little mommy guilt---then let her go out---that will make her feel even worse (LOL).

 

[kris]

<font color="purple">karen, i have a slightly different perspective of what happened.

as both my kids got older we had quite a conversation about getting angry with-mom & what was appropriate & what wasn't. cussin mom to her face definitely was on the NOT APPROPRIATE list of course. i did tell them, however, that if they felt the urge to curse me out to remove themselves from my presense...go outside, share it with-friends, do it in their rooms. out of my earshot.

your daughter did not curse you out to your face. you'd left her room & closed the door behind you. she had a reasonable expectation of privacy when talking to her friend on the phone.

it was painful & very unfortunate that she didn't give you a few more seconds to get out of earshot. it sounds like she apologized & is truely remorseful. i'm betting she will be more careful in the future to make sure you have cleared the area before expressing her anger like that.

if she gives you a sincere apology i'd offer her a cup of tea to share with-you & move on.

in her room, behind a closed door = a resonable assumption of privacy. she never meant for you to hear her harsh words.

kris </font>

 

[KFld]

My husband and I went out to eat last night and she called my cell phone around 6:00 when she got out of work and said, I'm going to get something to eat and go to Chris's house (her boyfriend). I said, you aren't supposed to be going anywhere tonight, so she agreed and went home.
When we got home I asked her if she thought I was kidding about her not going out for the night and she said no, that she forgot. I to her a little about her attitude and how what she said made me feel and she said something about me eaves dropping at her door. I told her I was in no way doing that, but I was walking away and she said it loud enough for me to hear halfway down the hall. She apologized again, then asked if she could got to boyfriend's until 8:00 and I said no. She started giving me a little attitude and I told her she needed to be careful because she would be staying in the next night if she didn't lose the tude. She spent a few hours cleaning her room, putting away laundry and when I went in at 9:00 she was talking to boyfriend on the phone and said he was going through withdrawals because he didn't get to see her :smile: I said loud enough for him to hear, tell her to be nice to her mother or it will be a lot more then one day he won't see her. I told her she can go out tonight.

I almost caved in last night and let her go out, but I don't want her to remember that the next time and let her think she can talk to me however she wants because I'm not going to follow through with the consequence. I also reminded her that when it snows she will not drive and I don't care how anyone else gets to school or work, she's my problem, everyone else isn't.

 

[dreamer]

I am thinking.......my kids have called me names behind my back on the phone to their friends when their friends are giving them grief cuz maybe I won;t come get their friends..so in order for my kids toback out of the big confrontation etc--they blame me and call me a name.

Or sometimes my kids do not want to do something or go somewhere with their friends......but instead of saying that- instead they say my mean B*&^h mom won;t let me. Usually I do not bother to punish for those things, becuz I am not thrileld with my kids not simply saying they do not want to do somthing, but, I also know how weird the peers can get ---and as for the ride? well, my kids friends call others names if they do not get what they want....cuz they are teens, too.....so if they are calling me a name in conversation with each other for that kind of reason......I can live with that. Gosh, sometimes they ask me for a ride and I beat them to it and I say no- and the reason is simply cuz I do not want to- and cuz I am being a B*&^h. But then I also reserve the right to tell their friends if I think my kid or one of their friends is being a brat. Yes, mykids have heard me tell my friends gosh my oldest is being a giant jerk today.....
I suppose tho, maybe you could have later told your child, you know- I did not want you driving in snow cuz I LOVE you and I did not want to take your friend cuz it puts too much on me on my way to work....

 

[Fran]

Karen, sounds like you handled it with grace. You made a point and stood up to the fact that you have feelings too. She is a good kid but screwed up. I remind myself that even easy child's need parental guidance. They just aren't done cooking. Sounds like she handled her consequence well too. Yay for both of you.

 

[KFld]

We are both over it now. She was talking to her boyfriend on the phone the night I wouldn't let her out and she said, Chris is going through withdrawals because he can't see me, and I said loud enough for him to hear, if she doesn't learn to talk nicer to her mother it will be a lot more then one day he won't see you :smile: They both laughed and last night they went out. Crisis over. It's so much easier with a easy child!! difficult child would have hounded me every second I wouldn't let him out and it would have dragged on for days and turned into so much more then it had started with.

 

[rejectedmom]

Glad you and your daughter are back on solid ground. Yes, it is always easier with a easy child. She now knows that you will not tolerate disrespect, there will be consequences, you did not invade her privacy she just needs to be more aware of her surroundings and in the case of the car...no means NO! You did GREAT!!!!! :bravo: -RM