we want son out!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jjd, Aug 28, 2016.

  1. Jjd

    Jjd New Member

    How do you make them get out? My son is 30 and just lost a good job. He has a terrible background so jobs and places to live are hard to find. I started trying to explain his history but it sounds so bizarre I had to erase..Bottom line is he won't leave. He spent every penny he made Building computers And child support. not a penny in his pocket...
    My question is, how do we kick him out? Just tell him to go? He has no where to go..He's not on drugs ( use to be) but he refuses to grow up..I know, my fault...but I just don't know how to make him go...yes, he has anger issues and is disrespectful...Diagnosed with ADD and always struggled with life...refuses to admit he has any problem and always blames his problems on everyone else. Sound familiar?
    We need him out of our home but don't know how to go about Making this happen. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
    Very sad mom,
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Very sad,

    I have no experience in this..but many others here do.
    They will be along, weekends are slow.

    Welcome and sorry for your pain!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Tell him to leave. him he needs to leave or you will MAkE him leave, legally if you must. Explain itis not good for a man his age to live with mo Then stand firm and dont waver.

    Check tenant laws in your state, but once they are adhered to you can make him leave. He is way too old to be in your home, not contributing, snd you are not helping him or being good to yourself either. This living arrangement helps neither of you.

    To give him options, find the shelters and food banks in the area so that he has options. Write them done for him If he is able bodied, include places that help find jobs. if he is disabled, write down the number and address of social services to ask how he could be evaluated for Disability. There are comminity services that can and will try to help him, but he has to comply by asking for help and doing what they say.

    if he wont comply, it is on his shoulders. Then he wont get hrlp, but he can.

    I wish you peace and luck. it is never easy to let them write their own stories, especially if they have messed up but by thirty, they need to learn. We cant live forever and slso our lives matter as much as theirs does. We deserve laughter, love, joy and freedom from others oroblems, even our grown kids. Many ADD adultsthrive. My autistic son works and lives in his own apartment. He is amazing and has surpassed all expectations of him. It was his idea to move out andhe isdoing well. He is twenty three, two days ago...lol. He pays his own bills.

    if you still pay for anything of your sons, I would stop. He needs motivation to do it himself.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2016
  4. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    hello Jjd you could be living my life right now! my Difficult Child is my 29 yo son. still lives at home, rude and disrespectful , doesn't keep a job for more than a couple of months,..I tried to write history about him too but erased it lol who would believe it?? actually got him out of the house once but he begged to come home when he got kicked out of the place he was sharing with other people.(they were all kicked out because they were slobs and landlord didn't want it. Anyway long story short hubby let him come home ...another story..and now stuck with him again. trying to convince hubby to start eviction but then he gives hubby money for rent, ugh... I don't want him here!! anyway i so really feel your pain and aggrevation! if youhave support i would definitely pursue eviction!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    jetsam, he too is way too old to live with you. The exception in my opinion is if they had a job, lost it, snd are planning to move oit again ASAP and are neat and respectful while a guest. Paying late rent shouldnt allow him to live with you at his age if he doesnt work and is as rude as an angry toddler. The mistske we make in my opinion again is that this is sbout us, not them.

    Except for serious illness or temp job loss, and only if they are kind and helpful, they are not being done any favors when allowed to extend their teen years to 25 or 30 years old. Butit is for us that we allow it...our guilt. How are we helping our nearly middle age adult kids make it in life when we let them live at our house while they mouth off, refuse to work or even keep clean, and act like spoiled fourteen year olds? We can not,will not be there forever. If they just lay aroynde our house playing videogames and going out at night in our cars to party (use drugs) or just stay at home without working, how are we teaching them to deal with life?

    We do many things to make ourselves not feel guilty, but often they keep our adult children dependent on us even as they abuse us in our own homes.

    Therapy for both parents facing this issue may help a lot. We did not have kids to let them abuse us or take our money or support them when they break the law or to "mommy" them beyond a reasonable age, even after some of thrm are also parents, often negligent parents. It is okay to tell them it's time to find their own way even if they have to use community services. And its okay to stick to your guns. You cant do life for them. They have to learn how.

    Our guilt does not guide us to making good choices for our grown kids or ourselves. it hampers us, which is why therapy for us is so important. For us. So that we can love ourselves and do what is right for us, which is also usually right for them, even if it's hard.

    Nobody has a right to abuse you, including your children. Would you let a spouse or friend treat you as your sons do? Abuse is abuse. Say no to abuse.

    Let them go, even if they need community services to launch. Tell them you love them and know they are capable of self sufficiency. They are grown men, not that cute little biy who used to hold your hand. See them as the men they are.

    Hugs for your hurting hearts. Stand strong. You are worth it. And they cant keep coming to you like children or it will never end.
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    Last edited: Aug 28, 2016
  6. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Find out the tenant laws in your state. Likely, you will have to legally evict him. As in going to court and going through the eviction process. It may take a few months, but it is doable.

    My suggestion is always to consult an attorney when you are dealing with legal issues to make sure that all your Is are dotted and your Tourette's Syndrome are crossed and he can't find a loophole to slip through.

    I would sit him down and speak to him and give him a time period to be out. Tell him that if he is not out by that period of time you will proceed with a legal eviction.

    At that point you have to stick to it.

    If he is loud, angry, or out of control, or you don't feel safe, call the police. At that point you can have him removed.

    ...and trust us, we all have some pretty messed up back stories, not a lot will shock the good people here. Unfortunately, that is why we are here.

    Good luck and welcome.
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  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Forget that if he has no contract kick all his stuff out change the locks and when he calls the police say that this is not where he lives. They will do nothing and you save yourself some cost with the lawyer and the tribunal tax and its way faster.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That's actually not legal in many states. You have to be very careful or you end up sued or worse. If it IS legal, then go for it, but be sure of the law where you live.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jjd, once you check the tenant laws and adhere to them with the proper notice, you can have a sheriff escort your son off the property. It may take awhile, but you can start the process immediately so at least you feel as if you have some control over your own home. This is actually not unusual on this site, I've read this quite a number of times......you can give him notice and offer him a list of the local shelters in your area.....he is a 30 year old adult man, way too old to be living off of his parents.

    Hang in there, find out your legal rights and move on them......
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I only perused, sorry if I'm repeating. I would also check the tenant laws in your state. Very generally speaking, sometimes you have to give a tenant thirty days notice. So, be prepared to send him a certified letter of thirty days notice of eviction. Consult an attorney if you are unsure.

    Keep your certified receipt and after thirty days, contact the sheriff's office if he is still in your home.

    On a personal level, you might tell him he has thirty days to find a new place. You might consider doing a little research to help him to a certain extent. You might get him information on food stamps if he doesn't even know where to start. You might tell him where the nearest food bank is. You might offer to give him gift cards for the local food store for the next few weeks...but definitely put a limit and boundary on that situation.If you do something like this at all, do it BRIEFLY!!!!!

    Find out what your legal rights are and move forward even if it is difficult.Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. If needed, see a counselor yourself for a few visits.

    If your son becomes unruly or violent, immediately call the police.

    Take back your life.
  11. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Not legal- if he gets his mail at their house, they have to evict him, legally or he could sue them.
  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    First steps, check into how to legally evict him. Give him addresses of shelters, community centers for housing, financial help. Start legal process to evict. It's time he is out on his own. You have helped him in the past, only resulting in the same end. He needs to be out on his own and make his own way in life.

    If we make it easy for them to constantly come back to the nest, they will never leave and your life will be a recycle of living hell. At his age, he needs to be on his own. YOU need your home back, it's your sanctuary.

    Read the article on this forum for detachment, enabling.
  13. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    iron, yes i agree with you. I have read the article on detachment..and read it and reread it... I am on board with evicting him however my husband is not. Haven't figured out why but that keeps us doing a circle dance. we had him out of the house already and had some peace for awhile (it was wonderful) but my husband caved and now he is back. one step forward two steps back.
  14. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Ahh I see. Well print out detachment and leave it for husband to read, on accident of course. Well, maybe husband will change his mind once it hits rock bottom with son. Hang in there. I'd make myself be gone every night for a few hours- shop, get coffee and read a book, go to a park, etc.
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    My two cents. After the legal research has been done, then I think you have to decide, if you are really ready to do this, what is the right way to handle this.

    Have you recently asked him to leave? Does he know this topic is on the horizon?

    I would---for your own sake not for his---give him some notice.

    If you can say it kindly and not in a mean way, tell him it's time for him to get a job and stand on his own and move out and find his own place. it takes time to save up the money, if he doesn't have any money, so give him the time and/or give him some launch money to help out.

    Then...you will know, whatever happens, that you did the right thing and you handled it with respect for yourself and for him.
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  16. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I love this - it is so true.
  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I just don't get this. Granted, i was just starting my career in what was then called "data processing", but I moved out of the house and in with husband-to-be shortly before I turned 18.

    My father died the year after my marriage. I lived with my mother for 4 mos in late 82 while husband did his military training. It was a nightmare. I was a good tenant and she was a good hostess, but it was terribly uncomfortable and I couldn't wait to GTFO of there.

    The next time I shared quarter with my mother i was in my 40s and had just had a nasty surgery to correct a bowel obstruction, got peritonitis and then a "hospital bug" intestinal infection. Once I finally got turfed out of the hospital, my mother insisted on staying for 6 weeks to take care of me. Argh...not only were we stuck with each other, she couldn't drive my truck because it was a manual, and I was too damned weak and sick to to stick up to her. She basically took over (and rearranged) the place.

    I have absolutely NO desire to move back home.

    My sister lived with my mother until she was in her mid 20s,her and her husband, but she was pregnant with twins that they later lost. She and my mother also get along with each other better my mother and I do.

    But my sister and her husband moved out as soon as they were able as well.

    I know with the millenials, there's a huge problem with rental costs skyrocketing while at the same time real wages are dropping. They can't afford to rent, unless they go in with roommates, which often leads to a lot of other hassles.

    But, in the case of a 30 year old, there is no excuse short of physical or mental disability for him to not be working and living on his own, even if he has to get a roommate.

    I'm scraping by in a decent apartment in a decent complex. The apartment is very small, which is fine by me, but to go nicer, I'd have to do the roommate thing, and the only other adult I've lived with as an adult was my husband. I get creeped out by the thought of sharing my space with someone else, or depending on someone else to pay half the bills.
  18. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    iron, yes i am pretty detached from him already even though he still lives here. I don't engage in to much conversation, am not rude to him but he definitely feels the "cool breeze" should we say lol. A fellow naranon member told me when i first started working on detaching to treat them like you would treat a neighbor...that seems to work pretty well for me. Since dc1 knows I'm acting differently toward him these last months he seems to have toned down his behavior a bit. Still want him out though. Our lease is up in June and I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT WHEN WE MOVE OUR SON WILL NOT BE MOVING WITH US UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.at present he is on board with that. so we shall see. Now its a waiting game. He does have a girlfriend so maybe they will get their own place...lol well i can dream can't i
  19. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Sadly this sounds very familiar..I have no advice since we are dealing with a similar situation (son will be 25)
    All I can say is you are not alone and it is not your fault!!
    Oh,and if you figure out how to make him leave...please fill me in ;) sorry,just some humor to lighten my own horrible mood!
  20. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    i totally get the humor i use it frequently! I feel its either you gotta laugh or cry and laughing is definitely healthier for my psyche! And yes if i figure out a way i will let you know!