We went to a xmas party and easy child.......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    decided to have her boyfriend over with whom we warned her not to have over last night.

    We hardly ever go out anymore, and so we did. I was so excited it was the first time in 2 years that we'd ever been out on a sat. night, due to rest. we dont' get any weekend time. so, we went to manhattan to my oldest and dearest friends' apt. for a xmas party. we had drinks first at some bar on 34th, it was great. it was like a sudden reminder why i keep this guy around. :) the drive out was nice, we didn't talk about the 5 kids, or the finances, just stuff random stuff and we laughed and it was so cool. like the beginning. just one night out with that man and i fall in love all over again with him. and yes believe it or not i'm actually talking about boyfriend. lol

    so, long story short and this is why i'm posting on the General Board, easy child texted us all night long and we were both wondering why. we thought ok maybe she's just bored and missing us. hmmmm boyfriend knew better. kept asking oh, when are you coming home, etc. difficult child was at her dad's so we felt like ok i'Tourette's Syndrome clear to go out. easy child had a concert the night before with her friend and friends mom so we didn't send her on sleepover we let her "rest up" supposedly at home.

    once again we warned her not to have boyfriend over, she promised up and down no , no, no. well, we got in late last night i went to check on her, her cel was buzzing she was fast asleep. i take the cell and yes the noisy mom in me checks her texts. let me just say within ten minutes i was in tears. let me just say boyfriend is incredibly good at handling me when i get upset, and calming me down so i can deal with stuff. especially teenager stuff he has a knack for bringing calm.

    she had boyfriend over, all her texts were about her deciding whether or not to do it with him, etc. etc. from her friends. so, she lied, she had him here when we weren't home, lied to my face, text me all night and bothered me on our one big date, had this boy at our home, with important rest. stuff here as well (no we haven't gotten a safe yet), and i don't know what hse did or didn't do with him. yet by the texts something def went on.

    so after an hour long talk last night with boyfriend and him calming me down, than an hour long talk with easy child this morning. wow what a talk that was.

    i said you lied, number 1, number 2 you had him here and shouldn't of, so now trust is totally gone in our relationship yet again. number 3 you have been making such good choices and we have all been so impressed with you, now you made one bad choice and that has wiped the others away.
    ok i'll stop numbering them lol, i said also you are engaging in something you are simply not ready for mentally and emotionally you are only 15 years old. etc, etc, was a really long talk.

    so, boyfriend is going to talk to easy child's boyfriend. have a long talk with him, and also set him straight and scare him a little now. clearly the boy has no fear. i'm brining easy child to planned parenthood so she can sit down and talk to a dr. to become even more enlighted about it all, and also popping her on the pill.

    i'm calm now, i try to stay calm because i know easy child will do more things that will freak me out, this is just the beginning. yet i said to her if anyone has a baby in this house it will be me, certainly not you.

    so, that's that. it's hard switching gears this way. she's still the girl i put diapers on and fed, and sat with in the park. she's getting involved with something she just isnt' ready for. obvious disappointment in her bigtime. it's never ever dull that's for sure.

    i just had to get that off my chest. if you guys made it down this far.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    she's also grounded, i just haven't figured out how long yet. she's also very emotional today, not a good sign if you know what i mean. there's only so much as parents we can do to educate them, inform them, give them the info they need in order to make hopefuly good choices, after that its a matter of making sure their protected, like i'm giong to do and keeping our fingers crossed.

    yet as i just said to a friend of mine, without failures there would be no success. so i guess with-o bad choices there would be no learning.

    deep breaths......i always say. :)
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    (((((((Jennifer))))))))) You're handling it. It does feel like they go from diapers to this in a flash. Thinking of you today. Hugs, ML
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ML thanks!!! I'm just not ready to switch gears, i'm really not. I also do not think she should be switching gears. The only thing I'm confused about right now is whether or not to contact his mom. Ive had the day to digest it, went food shopping etc. yet i'm just not sure.

    If i do tell the mom what is she going to do, and if the dad who is problematic (easy child's boyfriend) finds out who even knows what'll go on. Just not sure if it's adding fire to the flame or if it's the right thing to do.

    hmmm any thoughts???
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    alrite i keep adding to my own post lol. helps me deal better by venting it out. so, ok i'm saddened by this whole thing. i'm trying to keep my emotions in check yet i'm sitting on my bed looking at her baby picture on the dresser and i'm wondering wow, how'd this happen? i have taught her well i think, I have tried my very best to instill good morals in her, taught her all about sex ed as well as the school, tried my very best to support her first real boyfriend situation.

    i'm sad that she text me all night last night and i stupidly thought it was because she missed me, that she is still so deceptive that she would use me that way. it makes me shake my head. i invision that boy in my home while we were out, them together and quite frankly i want to vomit for lack of better words. I could see if the talk never happened, the risks werent' drawn out for her, yet they were and repeatedly.

    she lead me to believe that she was being honest, and that she was being trustworthy, and that we were on the same page and that the time i spend lecturing andtalking and listening meant something. yet it obviously didn't.

    i'm just disgusted at her behavior. like i said im trying my best to stay level with this, i know i have alot more kids with whom will go thru this phase. yet i can't help but feel violated myself on some strange level. it also makes me think of my abusive past asa child/teenager. how that was the last thing on my mind, how i fought to keep that from happening to me and didn't win. yet it's the first thing on her mind.???

    ok i'm done venting now. sorry .
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have my own 15 year old right now that is struggling with so much that I'm the last person to offer any advice. Just sending hugs your way.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Sharon don't think that way, we are often so much better at giving advice when we aren't so closely attached to the situation.

    I appreciate your support.

    Yet the more this goes thru my mind, like anything else my thoughts are changing alot regarding it, and i'm realizing now how bad this really is. I can't live freely now, i can't leave easy child home alone at all. This was really really bad on her part. I'm not giong to live like a prisoner in my own home. I'm not sure what to do about this, she has shown me that regardless of the rules iput in place she will do what she wants to do, manipulate and lie to me to make it happen, etc.
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    Jennifer, my daughter is 15 and took her to bc shot last week. It was so emtional all summer and fall . I to have shared with her, hoped she would make good choices but it did not turn out that way.In my case, I had to own all the feelings you expressed but then accept the reality of the impulsity,the pressure but still supoorting helathy choices. I also knwo she needs but fights supervison. Compassion
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    What a terrible ending to a lovely night.
    Your daughter disrespected your home and put her wants before the safety and well being of your home. She will have to work long and hard before there is trust between the two of you. It's a consequence that is worse than any grounding.

    Too bad, she couldn't come up with a better way to spend her evening alone.
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Wow, sorry your date night ended in such a way!! Unfortunately our little babies grow up and make their own choices even if as parents we have talked to them until we are blue in the face!!! Smart to bring her to planned parenthood, better safe than sorry - right?

    Raising girls is not easy!!

    Hang in there, it could be worse. At least now you know and can better prepare her. I hope you are able to have another date night that does not end with you in tears!! :)
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks for the kind words.

    Fran you are so right. I started today off calm and have gone downhill since just stewing in my thoughts of what she has done and how she has violated not only herself yet our home and taken advantage of me.

    i'm disgusted. we are trying to figure out right now what to do. i dont' know what to do to be totally honest. im at a loss right now. her boyfriend's parents are umm if you remember my post very troubled. dad drinks and is raging alcoholic, mom and dad are divorced yet live together there is also abuse physical going on when he rages and is drunk. so i cannot count on these ppl to support keeping this kid out of my home.

    she has now officially crossed the line and this will not cease. her level of being deceptive is far more than i had ever realized. i am starting work soon, and to be honest there are days in which difficult child may be with her old sitter. i'm trying to flip flop my sched. so that days i will get her from school and than two days i won't so i can make up the 40 hrs i need a week.

    what am i going to do than just hope and pray he's not there having sex with her in our home?? that's just not good enough. i'm not going to live like this. i'm seriously considering i dont know what at thsi piont. boyfriend is upset he doesnt' want anything to happen other than me talking to her and talking to her boyfriend. yet i think this will only worsen as she grows older if she thiinks she can get away wtih it.

    what am i supposed to do? such timing right before i start work.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I HATE IT when my kid does something stupid to violate my trust! It is such an important thing to have and it just messes everything up when you can't trust them. It sets you both waaaaay back in the relationship. Just when you think you've both earned a little freedom, they pull a stunt and BAM! You're back to treating them like they are 8 again.

    I hope the chat with the boyfriend goes well and that you daughter gets the message LOUD AND CLEAR to start toeing the line...
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i hope so as well, yet i don't know if that's the answer at this point. i'm sickened by just walking into her room at this point. her and difficult child share a room. i'm at a loss for words, which doesnt always happen.
  14. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Jennifer ~
    I am so sorry! I too feel there are too few good times in between "life".

    Just my two cents - But I would have a talk with boyfriend parents

    We had a similiar situation going on (my difficult child #4) kept sneeking out at night and going to girlfriend house.

    I felt helpless ~ I couldn't stay up all night ~

    I finally called girlfriend parents and with both families being aware of the situation the problem stopped.

    We parents need to support each other ~

    Hugs to you ~ Judy
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Judy I wish I could.........it's a bad situation there. Mom and Dad are divorced yet living together, apparentley dad is an alcholic and gets physical with the mom when he's drunk and breaks stuff. these ppl do not seem like the type of ppl in which can be spoken to
  16. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Jennifer ~

    That is too bad ~

    I will keep your daughter (and you) in my prayers ~

  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks judy, i'm sure i'll figure it out somehow. i just don't knwo how right now. if the family was approachable i might have a shot, but they aren't.

    i just keep typing, i'm really thrown for a loop wtih this one. i did some digging checked easy child's myspace account, then went to her boyfriend's where it states how much he loves her and how he'd kill himself if she ever left him. than we have some interesting photos of easy child in some french maid outfit with her best friend on his page as well.

    this kid is so out of control. it may not be the difficult child stuff we all go thru yet this is ridiculous.
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Jennifer, sounds like our house two summers ago. I don't have any answers, because it got much worse around here, and ended (sort of) with Miss KT moving to my mom's. As of today, the honeymoon is over...Miss KT is acting up again.

    Wish I knew what to tell you. Many hugs.
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm so sorry to hear that. So, sh'es acting up over at your mom's now?? I can't send easy child to my mom's. I went on line last night and was looking at boarding schools their super expensive, though i'm going to call around, i actually opened a new thread about it to see if anyone had info.

    i'm sorry you are having a rough time of it
  20. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I don't know what to say. My easy child is 14 and a half. On the best of days, she is barely human. She and I were extremely close when she was younger. Now, I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

    I wish I could offer you some good advice. I'm really lost on this one. However, in your case, I don't think it's a good idea to contact the boyfriend's family. I think you're right - the situation will only get worse.

    If it were my easy child, I would ground her too. I believe negative consequences are necessary considering what she did. For how long, I don't know.

    And, I agree with Fran - She will have to earn your trust back. I also agree that this is going to be much harder than any consequences you give her.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Hugs. WFEN