what do you do for your difficult child for Christmas?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pigless in VA, Dec 12, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I can't even talk to Ferb. He hasn't paid his cell phone bill, so the only communication we have is through email. I have no idea what he will be doing after he is forced out of his dorm on Saturday. He used up all his meals on the food plan. I don't think he has any money.

    I would like to do a little something for him for Christmas, but I have no idea what that should be. I realize that I may not even see him.
     
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    We need to put together a care package for ours. Cookies, candy and such. Still not terribly comfortable with the thought of giving him cash or anything he might sell but that is slowly changing. For now though, he'll be tickled with munchies. Pardon the pun.
     
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  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would try to stick to mostly practical things - a gift card from his cell phone company maybe, or to a grocery store in his area (assuming you think he'll use it as intended, and not sell it). Maybe some clothes if he needs them, or a new winter coat. I have learned to stay away from sentimental or expensive gifts because they too often get lost, damaged, or just left behind somewhere or other.
     
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh also, a book (if he's a reader) or DVD is always a decent "fun" gift .. and not expensive.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Our son is in a long term faith based program. We are allowed to bring two gifts on Saturday when we visit.

    I got him a flannel shirt and a cologne gift set. He always liked to smell good when he's feeling good!
     
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  6. HopingForTheBest

    HopingForTheBest New Member

    I'm getting him luggage - he wants to travel, and he's going off to college next year. Trying to avoid money, though I'm sure he'll get that from extended family.
     
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have a few small gifts for mine even though he is a thief and a liar. Need him to feel loved and not hopeless. Won’t give him a nickel in terms of cash.
     
  8. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I've been struggling with this question. What do I get for someone who is homeless? I got him a gift certificate for a hair cut. I thought I might make a care package of deodorant, etc.

    I hate the holidays.
     
  9. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    My son got a tattoo when he was sober. A Norse compass meant to guide the holder to the path back home, should he go astray.

    I found a wall art version of it made by a metal works.

    I hope he receives it in the spirit on which it will be given — to demonstrate my belief in him.
     
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  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    These made me so sad.i wish I could hug each one of you.

    Although sad, the ideas are very good, helpful and deeply touching.

    GCs to favorite restaurants are often good. Or a favorite clothing store (if it's not too expensive). I have a friend who once gave her then Difficult Child four new tires for her car. (She ended up doing very well!) Never give cash.

    Our Difficult Child is not homeless. But she is immature and does not have much cause and effect reasoning. She wanted some dvds which we got. Keeps her out of trouble. Not sure if it was the right move, but we gave her a gc to Target. It doesn't matter much because 9 times out of ten she will gripe about her presents. Worse, she just makes Holidays miserable and unbearable. What's up with this?
     
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I never understood why they make the students leave the dorm between semesters even if they're enrolled for next semester.
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Crayola, they close the dorms to save money. This way they can turn off the heat and not pay any staff but the very barest minimum. It saves an absolute ton of money for the university. The university does not make money on dorms.

    As for gifts, I would maybe give small items and include a small gift card to a fast food restaurant. Does he think he is moving back home with you? Has he brought that up in email? I know kids who just showed up on their parents' doorsteps after flunking out, and were then astounded when they were not welcomed back as if they were the children who left who didn't have to contribute. Make sure that Ferb knows what you will tolerate if he comes to your house, if he is welcome there, and how long he can stay with you.
     
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good question! One I have been pondering myself. My son is in jail so I have decided to just send a Christmas card with a letter. I thought about putting some money on his account but decided against it as this has the potential to open the door for him to ask for more. This is where the the "mommy heart" needs to take a back seat to common sense.
    I think each of us knows our difficult adult kids pretty well and we need to rely on our common sense when it comes to Christmas. I think the main thing we can do is let them know we love them. I also know that many of these difficult adult kids equate love with money or gifts which is just sad.
    I like the ideas of gift cards for fast food.
    My heart goes out to all moms and dads of difficult adult kids this Christmas. It is my hope that each of us will be able to find joy and peace despite what we deal with.
     
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Ferb may show up on someone's doorstep, but it won't be mine. He has made it abundantly clear that he will not come to my house ever again. He wants to remain in the city which is better as far as jobs go anyway. He still has no license, so finding a friend to get a ride to my house would be a huge stretch.

    He has to be out of the dorm tomorrow. He will not be returning for the spring semester. He refused to take his exams. As is typical for Ferb, he has shot himself in the foot (figuratively). He has options, but all of them require him to behave like an adult and take action. We will see what he does.

    I plan to invite him to some family gatherings, but I don't expect him to attend.
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    hi pigless

    how painful. how and when did ferb develop such animosity? i did not realize he was targeting you to such an extent.

    unless he has a trust fund where does he get the capital to go it alone financially?

    the gall of him. i am sorry.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2017
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    He has a small amount of money that his father left him. He has yet to call the financial advisor to get ahold of it. It is only enough to get him a start. He will probably blow it all instead of using it wisely.

    Remember his grandparents who passed? He and his sister inherit their entire estate (not substantial). My husband's uncle is in charge of it. Uncle can dole out money for welfare and education as needed. I gave Uncle the head's up that Ferb has quit on college. Otherwise, he cannot access that money until he is 25. (Yea!)

    He could potentially talk Uncle into releasing a small amount, but he would have to be very convincing.

    The animosity has been present since his sister was born.

    I am trying very hard to accept the loss of my son. I was able to grasp the loss of his father to mental illness. I suppose I will find a way to lose him to stupidity? stubbornness? Whatever it is that causes him to categorically reject every effort that I make to help him.

    This is the same kid that rejected a used car that I bought him. He rejected a dirt bike that I bought him for Christmas one year. I am tempted to give him nothing this year. He had a chance at higher education, a chance that he demanded of me, and he refused to do the work.
     
  17. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    He has a small amount of money that his father left him. He has yet to call the financial advisor to get ahold of it. It is only enough to get him a start. He will probably blow it all instead of using it wisely.

    Remember his grandparents who passed? He and his sister inherit their entire estate (not substantial). My husband's uncle is in charge of it. Uncle can dole out money for welfare and education as needed. I gave Uncle the head's up that Ferb has quit on college. Otherwise, he cannot access that money until he is 25. (Yea!)

    He could potentially talk Uncle into releasing a small amount, but he would have to be very convincing.

    The animosity has been present since his sister was born.

    I am trying very hard to accept the loss of my son. I was able to grasp the loss of his father to mental illness. I suppose I will find a way to lose him to stupidity? stubbornness? Whatever it is that causes him to categorically reject every effort that I make to help him.

    This is the same kid that rejected a used car that I bought him. He rejected a dirt bike that I bought him for Christmas one year. I am tempted to give him nothing this year. He had a chance at higher education, a chance that he demanded of me, and he refused to do the work.
     
  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Pigless
    I am sending a quick not from holidays. I have so much compassion for you and this situation. We can soldier on and do what is right, however these things are truly difficult.

    Please know even from the short time I have read your posts; you have done everything in your power to help Fern. Perhaps it’s tine to get out of his way.

    Much care and kindness you.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Piglet, this is so sad. The scary thing is that amongst young adults, it has become completely socially acceptable to "divorce" your parents. It is epidemic all over the world...good, loving parent's kids decide not to have in their lives anymore and that is that. Gone boy did it.

    Perhaps Ferb somehow connects you to Lloyd's suicide. Perhaps he is so unhappy that he has to blame somebody.. who better than Mom? We are the usual target.

    I am glad you have your daughter. My other kids are Godsends to my broken heart, even Bart.. At least he would never reject me. And we connect on certain levels. I thank God every day for them...and my hub and loving pets.

    The kids that reject us...the hurt is deep.

    Ferb sounds unwilling to help himself. You gave him all your love and every chance and now it is on his shoulders. His choice. Sad.

    Perhaps one day he will look back and appreciate you. Anything is possible. Mine did not...but he did not even meet us until he was six years old. There is a difference and I hope Ferb stops his anger at you. It is so unfair

    Meanwhile, just know you did your very best and it's his turn to do good for himself.

    I wish you a peaceful night, thinking of all the blessings you do have. And I hope you get another pig!!! Big hugs.
     
  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Boy can I relate to this! It just boggles my mind how so many chances can be afforded to our difficult adult kids and they throw each and every one away. With my son, I chalk it up to no common sense as he's not stupid.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Ferb is still young enough that he could turn things around. It's my hope that he will. It's my hope that he will see what a gift you are to him.

    Despite dealing with Ferb, I wish you a very Merry Christmas!! I hope Santa's good to you.
    :christmasgift::santa: