What have i done so wrong to make my adult son dislike me so much? Read more: h

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Solost, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. Solost

    Solost New Member


    I've just joined, having found this thread via a google search. It isn't a daughter I'm broken hearted over, but my son.

    Recovering, I have read your replies and they have made me understand how unhealthy my relationship is with my son. And like elliedeb (Hi elliedeb) I am struggling so much, also agoraphobic with terrible anxiety. I know I need help though.
  2. Solost

    Solost New Member

    By the way, I've only just noticed the date this thread started (back in 2013) - hope I haven't brought up any sad feelings or bad memories for anyone by refreshing it with my reply.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Solost, welcome. I've moved your posts to your own thread so you can get more support.

    I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. This is a heartbreak of epic proportions for all of us.

    Please tell us a little more about your situation. It will help us to offer you help to understand where you are.

    I hope you are receiving some kind of support for YOU. That is crucial. With agoraphobia and anxiety, the situation with your son will certainly amplify the fears you already have.

    You wouldn't be bringing up anything for anyone, that is why we are here, to respond to you, to respond to anyone who wants a response and to get support ourselves. You didn't do anything wrong.

    Read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Another resource is a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. We have to educate ourselves and we have to change ourselves in order to cope with what is happening or has happened with our kids. The likelihood is that they won't change, so in order for us to have a life of our own with peace of mind and joy, we must make the changes necessary within ourselves. We usually need help to do that. Doing that will likely greatly assist with your anxiety levels as well.

    I'm glad you're here, you're not alone. Keep posting, it helps.
  4. Solost

    Solost New Member

    Thanks so much for the welcome Recovering. I'll try to go into detail later but right now I really don't know how or where to start, just feel so overwhelmed. Have ordered a copy of that book today (I saw it mentioned earlier, thanks). No support, I've isolated myself, family are dead to me (I'm the black sheep, never wanted) and I have no friends. The fact that I have no friends speaks volumes, it must be my fault, so I know I need to try to get some help.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, the good thing is you are starting from scratch, no negative,unhealthy, unsafe relatives and friends to remove from your life! I wouldn't use the word 'fault' here, blaming yourself sounds more like self cruelty, perhaps a different way of looking at it is that because of having been the black sheep in your family, you have not had the tools and the skill to form healthy, positive, safe, loving and nurturing relationships so you protected yourself. That is what we humans do, respond to the situations we are in. No blame. A lot of compassion for yourself.

    Often what we learn on this path with our kids is how to love, accept, honor and cherish ourselves. It's a journey worth taking because you're worth it. Hang in there Solost, looks like it's about to change for you.
  6. Solost

    Solost New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words recovering. I have nothing else to say right now, but wanted to say your words have given me some comfort and hope.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Parent Emeritus, Solost.

    I am so happy you found us, and found the courage to post.

    Would you please tell us a little about what is happening between yourself and your son?

    Thanks, Solost and again, welcome to the site!

  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Solost, it may help if you start your own thread. What you did is add onto an old, old thread and I don't think that poster is even here anymore so your post may get overlooked. Click on "New Topic" and post your story there.

    Welcome to our world, but so sorry you had to come.
  9. R C1212

    R C1212 New Member

    Hi Everyone, I'm new, please...

    I have a question, if someone can help, please. I am a 51 yr old male. At age 36 my wife left me for another man. Since that time she has remarried 4 more times. In the current state I live in, we are still legally married. She filed for separation, with the woman adage "I need my time and space" (after I found out she was cheating), and I signed off on it. Somewhere in the middle of the night about 3 months after we separated, she disappeared. It was until 2 years ago I was finally able to track her down and find my kids, now grown.

    I've since reconnected with my oldest (now 22, haven't seen her since she was 6!!). We hit it off right and I was able to step in while she was in college last year and get her items that she missed out on to include a car for her cause I kept seeing post on FB about she needed a ride here and there. When I took her clothing shopping, she about made me cry when we picked out several pairs of shoes and she told me "dad, no one has ever taken me to the store to buy me a new pair of shoes, it's always been from Good Will or a flea market". I was appalled.

    So, now we've both attended each others graduations from college this spring and summer. Her; her first AAS and me my BS. Everything is fine, I've been driving over 1000 miles round trip to go up to visit with her, and even went up to pick her up and take her back coming down here to my graduation. I've filled her with items that she didn't have and wanted, laptop, camera, computer..etc. I've been there for her and again, things were just fine.

    She mentioned once that she had some bi-tendencies, and I told her "we all experiment". But this past weekend, with the SCt ruling on equality in marriage, she went to Cincy to a PRIDE rally, parade and festival. That was fine with me. No problem, I accept her the way she is. I have sins, minor at that, but I can ask forgiveness, and move forward trying to not recommit, like speeding, or sometimes leaving the seat up.. lol . But anyways, she comes back from this weekend in Cincy and the entire weekend, I kept texting her and PM'ing her on FB just to touch base and simply say "Hope you're having fun" and then a "Stay safe, let me know if you need me for anything".. and nothing.. absolutely nothing.. I posted 5 text from 7 am - 11 pm on last Saturday, and 3 on Sunday when she was to return.. that night way after I went to bed, around 1 am, she did text good night. The next day, I did my usual "Good morning Sweetheart" and nothing, again all day Monday was blank until she went to bed but just before entered my usual "Good night my darling, sweet dreams". About 2 am she chimed in with "Gnite". So the next morning I say good morning, and tell her I'll call around 2:30. I get no response. When I call at 2:30, the phone immediately goes to her voicemail without even 1 ring! I tried 3 times and the same thing. About 10 minutes later she's on FB PM and tells me "Awe, I'm sorry I missed your call, my phone was dead and I'm getting ready for work, maybe you can call Friday"... I was just stunned, what went from everyday communications rebuilding a relationship, over the course of one week, went flatlined.. I'm hurt ...again.. I'm trying to figure out what I did??

    Has anyone experienced this before, or similar. she claims she loves me, etc.. but now this? And no she says "I'm not upset" and then she asked me "why do you think I'm upset", my response was "I just though me texting you those few times might have made you think I was bugging you and thought that maybe I did something wrong", she replied with "I'm just tired and needed some sleep, been busy all weekend and only spoke (to her boyfriend) once over the weekend too".

    Yesterday, she entered that everything is fine.. I got a friend to observe her post by screen shot and she told me something wasn't right. I've been researching the web today, cause I pay for her insurance on the car I bought her and she tells me that the insurance is going to be canceled. We've had a snafu because the insurance isn't in my name and when my bank gets the automatic bill pay, they kick it out. So I called her agent and added my name to her policy and let my daughter know this morning its been paid. She responds with "I got a letter in the mail canceling my insurance" "I got your card".. I did a smiley face and then told her I think she missed my post from above where I told her "insurance snafu, talked to your agent, PAID".. she's like "sorry? (with a question mark) but was worried. I responded "I told you I have you honey, if I didn't I would also tell you that" ..

    Anyways not to go further this brings us today. I had a job interview and physical/drug screen and told her I got the job. All she responded with was "good". What happened over the weekend? What did I do? What do I need to do to get back to where we were rebuilding our family? Gosh this hurts and now I'm scare to say anything, text, PM or call her because I don't want to make her mad and don't like letting her know something since I can't call where it requires a diligent answer and all I get is "Ok" or "good" or "yes".

    Thanks for any help or advise from anyone.. this is troubling and bothersome and hurtful..
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Have you ever mentioned to her that you felt homosexuality is wrong? Even if you said, "We all sin, and I accept you" that is kind of probably the last thing she wants to hear...that it is a sin. I personally don't feel it is, although I'm straight.

    I'm wondering if her boyfriend is really her girlfriend and she doesn't feel you are totally in her corner so she hasn't told you that. Have you met this boyfriend? Seems to have been triggered by the gay marriage ruling. What have you said to her about it?

    I think you need a heart-to-heart talk and to be very accepting if she is indeed a lesbian with a loving partner if you want to have a relationship with her. And you have to cut out the sin talk. That won't go over well, if she has had relationships with women or if she is in a relationship now. Keep the religious judgment out of it unless you really want to possibly mess it up.
    Good luck!!!!
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2015