SuZir
Well-Known Member
Me and my husband have lately needed to think about our parenting roles and how much we can and want to try to make changes to that to get desirable respond.
Our own kids are now more or less adults and our relationships with them is another matter, but we have two young respite kids with different set of strengths and challenges than our own kids. They have been in our lives now almost year and half and over time we have of course got attached to the, they are attached to us and we have worked out more flexible schedule with their mother than the original, so we have them bit more than official timetable would suggest. Usually every third or fourth weekend from Friday afternoon to Sunday night and once or twice between those weekends in weekend usually so that we pick them up from school at afternoon and take them to school next morning. 9-year-old girl with no diagnosis, but taking too much of an adult role in many ways. Bossy and high-stressed child. Can loose her temper, when gets overwhelmed. And 6-year-old boy with mildish asperger. Gets stuck easily, sensory issues, has some violent meltdowns and seems to have tic-type swearing and other undesirable behaviours but is a very sweet boy. Trouble in peer relationships, non-verbal cues and typical aspie issues with language too. They are siblings and they have other siblings, one having severe special needs. Single mom, no father in picture and not much support network (which is why mother asked for respite family for support.) In near future we will have them much more than normally due mother's medical.
We have some issues with adjusting our parenting styles to better fit needs of these kids and I would like to hear experiences what kind of approaches have worked for you.
My husband has always had rather traditional parenting role. He has been provider, protector, disciplinarian and one encouraging our boys to try and face the world. He has rather stereotypic 'alpha male' routine going on, he is big, loud and has tendency to act dominating ways. Likes to be centre of an attention, jovial and well liked by most people. Tends to gravitate towards leadership roles. He always had huge troubles taking more nurturing approach with Ache, but did much better in that with Joy and does well with our respite girlie. Has again troubles with the boy. I feel he is often too short and impatient with the boy and that scares him (and makes him more likely to get stuck and have a meltdown.) I assume there is something similar in our respite boy as in our Insolent Whelp that irritates husband in subconscious level and makes it difficult for him to emphasize with them.
I had two somewhat distinct roles with my boys. With Ache I was most often the trainer, teacher, coach etc. I basically spent most of my time training him like a dog (basically with clicker in other hand and bag of treats in other), teaching him tricks (how to say Hi and look other person to eyes when meeting) and rooting habits (at morning we first go to bathroom, pee, wash our hands, brush our teeth, change our pyjama to day clothes, then come to kitchen and have oatmeal for breakfast.) With Joy I started from the beginning with attachment parenting (co-sleeping, babywearing and all that) and basically relayed to that bond from there on. He of course got his own part of my dog training and habit rooting methods aside of Ache but in reality I brought him up with having long talks with him to implant my values to him, explaining things to him, being very permissive and indulgent and relaying his empathy and sense of right and wrong in things. I can't remember really punishing him or giving him even consequences before he hit teens. If he did something wrong, I just talked it through with him and explained what was wrong in that.
With our respite boyo, dog training methods seem to work quite nicely, but neither of my former styles works well with the girlie. She does entertain me if I can come up with something cool to do, but otherwise it seems that my attempts generate mostly contempt in her. Unfortunately I at times find myself in battle of wills with a nine-year-old and being less than positive with her. And you can all probably guess how well that works out. She has very understandable reasons to try to overstep her boundaries, but she also would need just those boundaries to have an experience of being a kid. She tends to challenge me much more than husband to whom she tends to be sweet as a pie (yes, she triangulates some.)
Our own kids are now more or less adults and our relationships with them is another matter, but we have two young respite kids with different set of strengths and challenges than our own kids. They have been in our lives now almost year and half and over time we have of course got attached to the, they are attached to us and we have worked out more flexible schedule with their mother than the original, so we have them bit more than official timetable would suggest. Usually every third or fourth weekend from Friday afternoon to Sunday night and once or twice between those weekends in weekend usually so that we pick them up from school at afternoon and take them to school next morning. 9-year-old girl with no diagnosis, but taking too much of an adult role in many ways. Bossy and high-stressed child. Can loose her temper, when gets overwhelmed. And 6-year-old boy with mildish asperger. Gets stuck easily, sensory issues, has some violent meltdowns and seems to have tic-type swearing and other undesirable behaviours but is a very sweet boy. Trouble in peer relationships, non-verbal cues and typical aspie issues with language too. They are siblings and they have other siblings, one having severe special needs. Single mom, no father in picture and not much support network (which is why mother asked for respite family for support.) In near future we will have them much more than normally due mother's medical.
We have some issues with adjusting our parenting styles to better fit needs of these kids and I would like to hear experiences what kind of approaches have worked for you.
My husband has always had rather traditional parenting role. He has been provider, protector, disciplinarian and one encouraging our boys to try and face the world. He has rather stereotypic 'alpha male' routine going on, he is big, loud and has tendency to act dominating ways. Likes to be centre of an attention, jovial and well liked by most people. Tends to gravitate towards leadership roles. He always had huge troubles taking more nurturing approach with Ache, but did much better in that with Joy and does well with our respite girlie. Has again troubles with the boy. I feel he is often too short and impatient with the boy and that scares him (and makes him more likely to get stuck and have a meltdown.) I assume there is something similar in our respite boy as in our Insolent Whelp that irritates husband in subconscious level and makes it difficult for him to emphasize with them.
I had two somewhat distinct roles with my boys. With Ache I was most often the trainer, teacher, coach etc. I basically spent most of my time training him like a dog (basically with clicker in other hand and bag of treats in other), teaching him tricks (how to say Hi and look other person to eyes when meeting) and rooting habits (at morning we first go to bathroom, pee, wash our hands, brush our teeth, change our pyjama to day clothes, then come to kitchen and have oatmeal for breakfast.) With Joy I started from the beginning with attachment parenting (co-sleeping, babywearing and all that) and basically relayed to that bond from there on. He of course got his own part of my dog training and habit rooting methods aside of Ache but in reality I brought him up with having long talks with him to implant my values to him, explaining things to him, being very permissive and indulgent and relaying his empathy and sense of right and wrong in things. I can't remember really punishing him or giving him even consequences before he hit teens. If he did something wrong, I just talked it through with him and explained what was wrong in that.
With our respite boyo, dog training methods seem to work quite nicely, but neither of my former styles works well with the girlie. She does entertain me if I can come up with something cool to do, but otherwise it seems that my attempts generate mostly contempt in her. Unfortunately I at times find myself in battle of wills with a nine-year-old and being less than positive with her. And you can all probably guess how well that works out. She has very understandable reasons to try to overstep her boundaries, but she also would need just those boundaries to have an experience of being a kid. She tends to challenge me much more than husband to whom she tends to be sweet as a pie (yes, she triangulates some.)
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