What to do????

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I need some input here..... don't know if you all saw my update on the other thread. My son texted me yesterday and asked for help figuring out what to do about the apartment situation. His original plan, when he came back here against our advice was to get an apt with the girlfriend. Now they have broken up. So clearly his plan when he came back here has fallen through as I kind of knew it would. Gosh I hate being right sometimes. We know he has slipped into some substance use, don't know how much. We also know he is battling depression and very much wants to see a doctor and get back on an antidepressant (that is good). He has a job and is working and keeping that job. It is a minimum wage job so he doesn't make a lot but he is working. If he wasn't working I might take a hard stand like he should go back to where he was or go to a program somewhere etc, but the fact he has a job is huge. The house he is staying at is awful.... the father drinks and smokes pot with the kids who stay there, the mother I think is an addict, there are other kids all living there... it is a mess. It is not a good environment for him and will not help him with his sobriety. There is no way he can come home and live here, as we need to think of our daughter who does not need the stress of him being home, and fact is neither do we.

    We would be willing to help pay for him to live in a sober living place, and a part of me wants to take the stand that is the only thing we will do....except that I am not sure there is one that is close enough to his job that he can get there reasonably.... or a good one for that matter. I also don't know if he is really ready to commit to that? And if he goes it has to be when he is ready to do the work.

    Apartments around here are so expensive that there is no way he can afford one on his own...even a studio. He just doesn't make enough money. Even a room in a house is probably more than he can afford, and finding one is going to be hard.

    He has asked for our help figuring this out which is also huge.... given he is a kid who has been pretty rejectinig of us in the past. So we are meeting him for dinner tonight... all I have said so far is that we would help pay for a sober living place.

    But I am wondering should we be wiling to help him pay rent somewhere. I don't want to pay the whole rent, I think he needs to pay 1/3 of his income to rent and be responsible but I don't think he will find a place for that amount.

    Although we are concerned that he may very well turn to full blown addiction and substance abuse, we don't want to encourage him in that direciton and to fail. He is currently doing some good things (and some not) and we have the feeling if he stays where he is, he is more likely to fail than if he gets out of there.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    What about checking ads to see who might be looking for a room mate and offering to pay deposits and maybe helping him get a few basic things he might need- like a bed?
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Have you checked out low income housing? I know "the projects" aren't always the best place, but it is usually a mix of struggling good folks as well as perpetual difficult children. If he's working hard to stay straight, at least he'd have a 50/50 chance of finding good ppl and influences - unlike where he's at now.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would ask his input on what kind of help he wants. If we were in this situation, and we very well may be soon, I would probably try to help financially with rent somewhere on the condition that he stay sober, get into some kind of program, keep his job, and be financially responsible with his money. Remind him that you are not going to help pay his rent so he can go out and party. The goal is to get him independant and responsible. I think you already know that if you don't help it will push him into a full blown relapse. That may be what should happen but I'm not sure this is the way to do it.

    Keeping him out of your house and on his own is the best situation ofr all of you. Keepig the doors to communication open are very important. I'm not sure how you are going to protect yourself financially if he just bolts but you will have to be prepared for that. If you are then I say go aheaqd and help him find an inexpensive place to live that is safe and near transportation.

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    klmno has a good idea. Make sure that you pay for a background check on any potential roommate. It won't eliminate risk, but at least he could avoid obviously bad people. Follow your instincts but think it through before you do.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ask him if he is willing to live in a sober house. The ones around here will help you find housing once you graduate from their program. Usually it is a house with other men from the program, each paying part of the rent. It will give him a support team.

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    What about going to some of the sober houses and talking to them? Maybe find out what kind of off campus programs they have or out patient programs they have for 1/2 way houses, living arragements etc? Maybe one of them has a suggestion or a program where they have the ability to hook up some of the kids in apartments where they work, come to meetings, and such until they are back on their feet and support each other? Or United Way, Catholic Charities? Something like that? If he's really willing to help himself - there HAS to be places that are willing to go the other 1/2 way.
  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I agree with looking into a sober house or roommate situation. I think I would consider helping out with some of the rent, too. He is looking to get himself better. He is working steadily. As long as he continues to try to get better and works steadily I wouldn't hesitate to help out with a part of the rent.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I asked around here in SC - Salvation Army is VERY involved with young men interested in working/living and being in a sobriety program.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Be very careful as to how you help him if you believe he is on the verge of a full blown addiction. Once he hits that point, he will not be able to function, hold a job and help to pay for anything for very long, so if you are thinking he will pay part of a rent, it could be for a very short time. I would tell him the only thing you are willing to help him with at this point is rehab or sober living environment because anything else could backfire on you at this point, unless you get him into someplace with a month to month lease.