what's Next?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by STRESSEDTOMAX, Nov 3, 2011.



    I'm going to try and keep this pretty short. Called up to the school again today due to Tommy's very aggressive behavior towards staff. He's at home now. I'm at work which, Thank God, is our own liitle store, so I have no boss to worry about. Will be getting on waiting list for partial hospitalization. Since he's calmed down, I am going against the opinion of the principal and the ER to hospitalize him. I f I can help it, I am not missing the neuropsychologist appointment Monday. They said his behavior at school today was at a level they've never seen before and that he was "unreachable" even by people who are usually able to calm him. Still have call into psychiatric. One way or another, I'm talking to him today. A small but important note is that when principal called me she said something to the effect of: the school cannot help if we are not getting support from home. This remark followed her comment about Tommy being able to go trick or treating. Well, of course, this got me nuts. When I got to the school she lied to my face and said she would never say something like that...I must have misunderstood her because I was upset. Right.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Wow, do you have that remark recorded? She really is ticked off that he went trick or treating. She has no idea what its like to live with a disability or to live with someone with a disability. She is getting parent involvement. You just have a mind of your own and aren't doing everything she is telling you to. She isn't the boss; you are, and she doesn't like it.

    I can't remember if Tommy has an IEP? What are you going to do if he rages with you? Are you trained on how to restrain a child? Are they going to let him back in school tomorrow? Or is he suspended until he gets medications stable? He sounds stable with you right now. What does Tommy say happened?
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    so sorry. This chick sound like our old principal. She never came out and said that I wasn't supporting things, but she had an opinion of the type of support and kept asking if I should be doing "therapy" with him and saying things about if I would use "meaningful" consequences. ARRRGGGG Did she ever read the evaluations done at her very school. this kid does NOT talk to other people about their agenda...only his high interest subjects or sometimes just one sentence in response to a question but usually, I dont know, I dont want to talk about it (ie I can't talk about it at times...) etc. And when they tried "consequences" he about tore the place apart so upset. They had a whole staff to deal with it and then didn't have to live with the effects I did after. She had a a'family' member who had problems like these, dont cha know, and that's what they did....turns out she had a family member with mental health issues, no developmental delay or communication (or autism/aspergers/Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified nothing...). I really had to work over three years to try to ignore her, she was a lone wolf there fortunately but she was teh principal!

    I would ask a little from him when he is calm too, make sure he knows you will NOT get mad. You are just trying to help. The reason I say this is for some reason, I have been lucky enough to show up at school when the very people who say over and over that "we just try to help him calm down", etc. have actually been shoving him into a chair, Screamming...and i mean SCREAMMING at him, etc. Instead of using appropriate CPI procedures (or similar program which they have to have, and the team who is certified has to show up to deal with these kiddos because if they get hurt and the staff was not trained they can be sued too easily so the district's lawyers and insurance usually demand it). The first thing they are trained to do is NOT to talk unless it is a calming kind of talk, ONE person, and if it agitates the kid then to shut up and just as much as possible keep them in a safe place till they calm. If they have to touch the kid they should always have two so they can do one on each side...and there are certain ways to hold...never face down on the floor (Not on the floor at all unless the KID goes down) etc. I think Liahona is asking if you yourself have been trained in this...parents can get in trouble if they do an inappropriate hold IF the child gets seriously hurt. Doesn't usually happen if little things happen. ONe teacher called cps on me because my son had a little scratch on his hand. They called me and I said...sure, come out today! They didn't but they came out the next week and saw that I was the one covered in bruises and scratches and his hand got scratched as he pulled out of my hand. (of course my kid learned that he coudl say, mommy scratched me and get lots of attention...this was not his teacher so it was frustrating she did't go to his team first, she is a mandated reporter but it is a big risk with kids iwth attachment disorder to teach t hem such things, they can falsly accuse people lots and he has...a few times...not me but others, but at the same time it gets hard because there are people who have abused him (because he IS so provocative and they lose their cool).

    With how hostile she sounded on the phone, I have to wonder if they were really angry with him and THAT is why he escalated. They should make a report INCLUDING the antecedents to each behavior he does, what was done said...then result, what was done said next, then result....on and on. They tend to cover their butts instead of honestly looking at what triggered him so they can make adjustments in the future. I tend to forgive mistakes if they happen once, and people are honest...then we look to see how it can be done differently. But when they cover up and especially if I catch it or my son describes in the exact words and tone what is being said (and he doesn't usually talk like that..."Mom, he said....YOU WANT TO CALL ME A B**** THEN THAT'S WHAT I AM GONNA CALL YOU, YOU CANT TALK TO AN ADULT THAT WAY!!!!" ) Yeah, I usually know then he is telling the truth.

    It is scary to know what people are really doing, people who seem so calm and nice to your face and probably do really care but just are not equipt to handle such rage. So if she is sending these kinds of cues, be very wary. I dont want to panic you but it is one of my biggest regrets, the times I didn't know or realize that my son was telling the truth. He had no connection in his mind to what his part is, and he doesn't need it. He is the kid and they are the adults. We will work on that but in the middle of a crisis, THEY have to do the right thing.

    If he doesn't rage with you, you are probably safe keeping him home. in my humble opinion. HE is a tween and many things are changing for him so if he is safe, neuropsychologist and partial hospital may be enough for now. Trust your mommy gut. I would maybe arrange for homebound instruction (they come to you) until you make sure there is a plan to analyze teh behavior appropriately, have a safe plan to avoid it and to reinforce appropiate choices...a systematic/routine/everyone is trained on it plan. And who is trained to handle a rage in that building, how do they do it, etc. If yo get him into OP/partial hospital. they will take over school.
    Just sharing my experience, I found myself typing really fast and furious here because it hit some kind of PTSD in me I think. I hope it makes sense.

    I wish I could make it better for our guys who get so upset. Just a hard road in life.
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I have no advice as difficult child never had school issues. Just wanted to give ((((hugs)))). I know you're frustrated.


    Thanks, everybody. He is allowed back tomorrow. As far as the principal is concerned, I let her know that it REALLY bothered me that she was not copping to what she said. I WISH it was recorded. A lot of good teachers have been leaving the school and I have a feeling it has something to do with her. I don't worry about them abusing Tommy in any way because he is compulsively and obsessively honest. He tells us everything, even about "tones". Once I regifted something to a friend and he says: "Oh, we didn't buy that from a store...we had it in the house..."...lol. What I thought was interesting was that when the principal was on the phone trying to get us some info on partial hospitalization, the school psychologist (who I love) says: "I just want you to know that we know that you guys are doing your best...any interaction I've ever had with either of you I have found you very supportive. I don't want that bto be a stressor". As far as I'm concerned that translates as: The principal problem did say just what you claim she said and I'm letting you know that I know it's not true.

    I have tried to get an IEP for him. He had one years ago and now he has a 504 Plan. When she called me this morning the first thing I said to her is why doesn't he have an IEP? She told me what I've heard before: An IEP will not stop his behavior and his IQ is too high for one. I've been told this is not true, and I really have to research this. I don't understand what an IEP would do for him in this situation.

    As far as if he gets aggressive with me...he has done so many times over the years and if I try to restrain him, he gets NUTS from being held. Usually we wait until he calms down, which could be 10 minutes to hours. I'm a little uneasy because my husband goes out of town for a few days each month on business and he's scheduled to leave Sunday. However, Monday I probably won't send him in because of the neuropsychologist appointment and husband will be back Thursday. Not too bad...
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    The IEP will give you solid legal rights and options for holding them accountable. They must follow mandates for appropriate behavior modification doing the functional behavior analysis and writing a POSITIVE behavior intervention plan. They need to identify his triggers and work around those either by teaching him skills or avoiding upsetting things. Research this online because your principal is just plain wrong in this. NOT my opinion, the law. I am sorry she treated you and is treating him this way(she should be jumping at the opportunity to get him support thru an IEP, she is clearly not trained in why this would benefit him OR just doesn't believe it). I am super happy the psychiatric is clued in. Yeah for that!
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    She doesn't want to be held accountable. That is why she doesn't want Tommy to have an IEP. Also, with an IEP it gives Tommy protections against being suspended for things that he couldn't control (due to disability) like this rage. They can still suspended him but after 10 days of suspensions they have to review weather his placement is o.k. or the IEP isn't being followed. IE they hold someone accountable.

    I think you should send a certified letter today. With principal lying to you it would be a good idea to post over in sp ed 101 forum. And to do some reading of over there.