When a mother refuses to help her daughter

[FTN]

I was finally able to speak with SO about getting help for difficult child. Her entire reason for not putting her in is "I don't want her to hate me." I just don't get it. She sees no problem in allowing difficult child to "love" her bio-dad even though difficult child knows he used to beat her, her daughters, and molested the older two (and maybe difficult child).

 

[flutterbee]

I don't know what to say. Parenting is not a popularity contest as I'm sure you're aware.

Is your SO receiving any therapy? Does her therapist have a take on what SO should do?

 

[BusynMember]

I think it's pretty well-established that this mother is not going to help her daughter. I think the best thing you can do for her is to call CPS and report what you know. Maybe nothing will happen after they talk to the mother, but they also MAY force her to get this child services. The choice could be taken out of her hands. Then you need to evaluate whether or not you want to stay in this situation. You're still young and this family is a hot potato--the mother sounds very disturbed and immature.
Anyways, no lecture. That's what I would do. To me, not getting her help is abuse.

 

[Andy]

Has difficult child already been assessed to meet the criteria of an in-patient? If not, explain to SO that in-patient is not always needed. There are other levels of care - out-patient, day programs.

It is very difficult for a mom to place her child in an in-patient program. SO has been through so much that she view this as loosing a child instead of helping a child. Ask that she meet with someone just to discuss options and benefits of each. Maybe a day program where difficult child can be home at nights until SO gets comfortable with treatment plans.

Your difficult child must feel confused. At this age, they are more willing to accept treatment. That 1st night will be the hardest - homesickness to no end but then they actually feel safe in an inpatient treatment - safe from their uncontrolled behavior and though they ask not to return, they do get strength to regain control of theirselves while there. Staff will teach coping skills.

SO is very fortunate to have your support - not all people are as active in their SO's children's well being.

 

[TerryJ2]

Yikes.
I agree, parenting is not a popularity contest. You've got to do what's right, not what just feels good.
Besides, most difficult child's who don't receive proper svcs (and those who do) are going to hate their parents anyway, so in my book, you may as well do what's right, because otherwise you're doing the wrong thing, PLUS they hate you.
If that makes any sense.
I agree with-MM, in reg. to reporting to SS. All you can do is try. And given that history, I'd being trying very hard.

 

[FTN]

Ooops. My original post should have read "...put her in counseling..." I didn't meant to allude to inpatient care.

CPS was notified back in September or October of 07 IIRC. They took down the story from the older two. When CPS spoke with the youngest, who had previously mentioned nothing, she cried and eventually fingered a neighborhood boy. Contact between difficult child and pedo-dad ceased then was restarted with supervised visits. Those ended when the DA's office said the case was basically he said she said and chose not to pursue.

I really wish I thought to say "parenting is not a popularity contest" last night.

 

[TerryJ2]

I really wish I thought to say "parenting is not a popularity contest" last night.

Hey, there's always tomorrow night!