When we hear from difficult child months later

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeekingStrength, Nov 30, 2014.

  1. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    As of late, there seem to be several new forum members whose experiences are so much like husband and mine with our difficult child. And, I try to share how much detachment has helped husband and me because there was no relationship. Just difficult child asking for money and getting very angry when we finally stopped giving any. Once we detached, our lives got much better without that constant stress.

    So, last night husband and I were out and saw a friend of difficult child's. We probably see him a couple times a month and have not ask him about difficult child since all that stuff happened. But, last night husband asked the friend if he had heard from difficult child. The friend tells husband that difficult child is studying to be a paralegal and he did not know if difficult child is currently employed..

    This morning, about 6AM, difficult child sent my husband a text, anonymously, that said "Despite her wine-induced email, I do not miss you. Free at last." (His girlfriend sent a rather long email a few months ago asking if we wanted to meet somewhere to reconnect).

    ... any communication can cause something like this which can knock you just a bit off balance.

    So, nothing has changed, but that comes as no surprise. I doubt husband asks anything more in the near future and I also bet this friend has been ordered not to share any info with us. (difficult child is very controlling).

    oh well. Have a great Sunday!

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He is right. "Free at last". Your freedom. Free from any remaining wonder whether there was any salvaging some kind of relationship.

    You did your job. You raised him to the best of your ability. He has launched. Enjoy your new life.
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  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much. I said the same thing to husband this morning, but it helps a lot for somebody else to say it.
    You summed it up well.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    What a hurtful thing for your son to say. Mine has been as nasty. There was a time when I felt badly about what he thought of me. But one day, it occurred to me: What kind of person is it who speaks to AND ABOUT his own mother this way?

    One of the ways counselors know whether a person has gone back to using or not is the way they talk about their parents ~ their mothers, in particular.

    Did you know that?

    People who are not using are horrified at what they have put their parents, especially their mothers, through. People who have gone back to using, even on the sly? Are nasty about their mothers and abusive to them.

    Another mom told me that is what the counselor told one of the addicts in recovery at a joint therapy session in a half-way house where her own daughter was. When the person stood up and began berating his mother, the counselor jumped all over him...and though he denied it at first, eventually the person confessed that he'd begun using again.

    And that was how the counselor knew. People who are not using accept responsibility for their actions, and feel intense remorse, especially where their mothers are concerned.

    I agree that you need to let this drop, but I can't help but wonder what your son's response would have been had you said: "You are better than this."

    Because the greater truth is that there really was a time, for your son and for mine, when they would never have found such transparent, patently self serving responses anything but ridiculous.

    It's as though their brains are being affected by their drug use.

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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Wow, SS. I love how he managed to try to draw blood from you and husband and slam the authenticity of girlfriend's intentions all in the same text. I agree, freedom for you. I think that pretty much seals it, when benign interest elicits an angry and hurtful response like that.
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Part of us believe that our children should be eternally grateful for all the sacrifices that we made for them. We feel hurt when they don't. Expectations that are unmet, theirs and ours, unhinge relationships.
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I tend to nowadays think of the things she says as: she don't feel bad about the things she says - only I do. Then I have to move my mind onto: stop trying to make sense out of nonsense! When they rant and rave it is if (although they are grown :censored2: adults) they are fussy babies who need the pacifier - only they are too old to plug their mouth shut with one!
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  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys, so much.

    On the way home from church, I read the message on husband's phone. I had forgotten (or missed) how the message from difficult child began:

    Each time I check the news I am disappointed to see you are not yet in hell.

    I could also see the last time husband received a message from difficult child was in Feb (I thought it was a little before that)....when difficult child had told his dad to go to hell in a text.

    ..especially when they have rewritten their childhood to include all types of hurt and mistreatment that never happened.

    No kidding.

    Thanks again. Unbelievable, yet why I am surprised one iota? This is typical for difficult child.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The only way they can justify the lives they lead is to rewrite their past. They then have to repeat that lie to themselves and to others so that they can continue to feed off of others good intentions.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sometimes what it takes to get us to recognize the truth about who our kids have become is just how ugly they can be. The ugliness itself pushes us into reality.

    I agree with Pasajes, YOU ARE FREE. Free to enjoy your own lives without the nastiness your son brings to the table.

    You and your husband did a really good job of detaching and allowing your own lives to unfold.......Once you got the map out, you drove right on through.........it's been such a pleasure to hear about how you two have blossomed...........celebrate!
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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is awful.

  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Pure EVIL! :nono:
  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    yes, it is. And, difficult child has been awful toward us (and others who do not jump when he tells them to) for a long time. RE mentioned how husband and I took to detachment so quickly; well, no credit to us. It is just that we had been through this so long. We knew in our hearts things would never get better. This forum helped us know it was okay to walk away, to get off the merry-go-round of difficult child pain.

    difficult child could fake nice for a few hours or days, but the ugliness always returned.

    This is not really a surprise. So, why am i taken back?

    You think you are past it and then a hateful text arrives because his dad asks about him and husband and I are shaking our heads and sad. Although, Much, much, much, much stronger than when I found this forum last winter.

    Thanks so much for helping me today. I have forwarded many of your responses (if not all) to husband and he said, "These are so helpful." And, they are. So supportive, so loving, so kind.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's amazing how peaceful life can be then WHAM, there's some kind of contact. About a month ago my difficult child posted to one of his several FB accounts that while he was in jail I never wrote to him even thought he begged. All of this is a lie as I did write numerous letters to him while he was in jail just as I have done every time he's been in jail. Of course I didn't see the post because he unfriended me from that FB account. My sister shared it with me. How convenient for him to lie about me when I can't defend myself.
    Then a couple of weeks ago I had a phone message from him. It went something like this: "Hi mom it's me. I don't want anything from you but I need to you to call Aunt ##### and have her call me on this number because I need antibiotics real bad. My leg is :censored2: messed up and infected and if I don't get some antibiotics they'll probably have to :censored2: cut it off. So anyway, have her call me"
    That was it, no Hi mom how are you, how's dad. What really got me is that he said he didn't want anything from me yet he's asking a favor. I sent him a text back and told him that I was sorry to hear about his leg and that Aunt ##### is a retired nurse and does not have access to antibiotics and that if your leg is so bad you need to go to an ER. I didn't get a response. Not quite a week later he posted something on his other FB account that I can still see that he went for a 6 mile hike in the mountains. Guess his leg wasn't as bad as he claimed.
    These kinds of episodes used to bother me for months but thankfully I am able to let it go usually within a day.
    Oh the freedom of being detached.
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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "Less is more." Minimal engagement with difficult child.

    Do not, do not, do not allow your sister to tell you what he writes on his FB. Tell her you are setting a boundary and that this topic is 100% off limits and that you don't want to be rude, but if she starts telling you anything about difficult child's posts, you will have to gently hang up your phone or leave the house. It is not something you ever want to discuss with her. Then do it. It works if you are firm. AND DO NOT READ HIS OTHER FB!!!!

    You did great when he tried to snow you about his leg. He can't get money from you and your sister seems sympathetic so he is going to try to hit her up. Good answer. Don't allow him to do it because of you. If he finds her number on his own to get money, that's on him.

    Continue your peaceful life and remember that he is a grown man, moving toward middle age and he can and will figure it out.
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  16. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    The reason it hurts is because you are normal people with normal feelings and what he is doing isn't making any sense. I call it : trying to make sense out of nonsense" He does/says things because, somehow, he has figured out that doing it does hurt you. Time to shake off the bad feelings he manipulates you into - it truly is not you - and it truly is him!
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  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Scent - you are spot on! My difficult child was so loving and thankful when she was sober. After she relapsed, she was horrible to us and I was shocked at some of the things she would say to me. After she quit again, two weeks before her arrest, she mentioned how awful she felt about ruining our vacation this past summer...

    Spot on.
  18. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I have listened to some of the comments from others in meetings and I could tell that some were scratching their heads is disbelief (none of us lol) that we could actually distance ourselves from the antics of our difficult children.

    I can only say that they are misinformed, hopefully they will never walk in our shoes, and I never reply. There's nothing to reply to. We love our difficult children deeply, we just realize that the way the relationship has turned is toxic. For all of us!

    Mine is another that makes me feel used, once I stopped the flow of money he has no reason to contact me. And when I did finally learn to say no it became nasty quickly.

    It still hurts, but you handled the situation very well. Maybe one day our difficult children will mature to a point where they realize they are responsible for their own happiness.
    (((hugs and blessings)))
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  19. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This has been a great thread for me. Tanya, you have had to learn to be very strong. I wish we had a "horrified" sticker. What I am learning as I read through the threads this morning is just how vulnerable I still am.

    I think I will copy MWM's comment and put it on the fridge.

    difficult child son has been calling, again.

    So has my sister.