First I want to give credit to RN and her current thread, by which I have been influenced. I believe I am now on a similar page, and M may be getting there. What I want? I have to find a way to put myself back in the center of my life, not my son. Because when he is my center, I am the effect of HIS ACTIONS or lack. Which is what is happening now. I have taken the stand for almost all of this year that I would support my son to change. He has changed, some. He has gained more control over his emotions. He tries harder to accommodate what we want, in terms of our house. He is more cooperative, wants more contact with us, to be more integrated into a family. He did work for us for months and months. He did go to residential treatment twice. But in things that are central to us we have no sway over him: the need to be "constructive" (a little work, maybe job training, school, and/pr volunteering) and no marijuana (which we see as robbing his motivation and eating up his money). And it seems we cannot prevail even that he pay a nominal rent. For the last couple of weeks M has taken over the micro-managing of my son, the holding him accountable (I had told my son, JUST LEAVE.) And now, predictably, M is exhausted by it. My son seems to be benefiting not at all from this support, which of course does not feel like support to him. Rather he finds it onerous and is trying to shake it off. He wants the support but not the responsibility or any conditions (surprise, surprise.) M is despairing. The thing is: my son does not want to be homeless again. But he resents paying rent (rent money cannot go to marijuana), and this month managed to find reasons to not do so and promised to pay $500 on the first of April to compensate, which is approaching. My son seems to be angling with M to begin again to work for him, as a means to not pay rent. M said no right out the gate. Helping us, gives him the pretext to do nothing for himself. And still, with nothing to do, he still does not do anything. He does maybe one VISIBLE thing, 10 minutes a day of busywork to look busy and the rest of his time is dissipated. (I guess I could prevail on M to let my son work for him again. This is a possibility. And there is a lot my son could do to help me in my house. I need his help and I need his support. Honestly, I cannot even remember what happened to get me to stop letting him help me. Maybe it was because he would come here, ostensibly to help and end up frittering away the day.) If my son does not pay rent, I am subsidizing marijuana. If I kick him out...he is homeless...and he will stop the medication he needs. He has a life threatening disease that can be controlled by medication. He stopped it for 6 years, going off and on 2 times, which is dangerous. He resumed it 2 weeks ago voluntarily, but I think to show us "cooperation" and construction actions. His stopping again, I cannot bear. I feel I cannot undermine his health. So this gives him more control over me, to impose his conditions. It feels this way. Honestly. I am thinking of just letting him be. I am embarrassed to say it. I am ashamed of myself. Letting him negotiate a price with me that he is willing to pay as rent for the apartment and letting him stay there and smoke up his SSI money. If he wants to do nothing, so be it. I would see and speak to him minimally and keep him away from my house almost entirely. Or is this vindictive and unnecessary? Or shooting myself in the foot. I do not know. The only other thing I can think of is demanding that he buy his marijuana legally. From a dispensary where he has a medical marijuana card. This would require trips to a big city a few hours from us, where he has reason to go each month to see his doctor (he sees her infrequently, but more than he did before). He will resent the cost of the train trips. Perhaps I could discount the rent to take this expense into account. My bottom line would be much, much reduced: he could use his medical marijuana, if he obtains it legally. He could fritter away his time, as he chooses. He would stay on his necessary medication, and go to his appointments. He would pay rent that he feels he can manage but commit to a certain sum, and follow through. That is it. I would back way, way out of his life. So would M. (I do not know if M will go along with the above proposals. He believes strongly that we need to keep up the pressure on my son--which my son resists and finds ways to subvert.) The way I feel now, if this saves my life, it is worth it. Let him handle his own. He would have the stability to take his medication. He would be safe off the street. And I would have my boundaries. I would have disabused myself of the idea that there is anything at all I can do that will influence him to live better. You see. I get sick and sick at heart through all of this. When I am involved with my son and things fall apart, I get despondent, depressed. I lose all of my own motivation to live well, to take care of myself. I get horrible stomach pain. My guts rebel. I sleep poorly or not at all. I am seeking a way to relate to my son that supports my own sense of balance and his well-being, the basics. Where he is no longer the spoke of the wheel around which I revolve and my life revolves. This place to be (in his life) needs to be limited and minimal to that which I do FOR ME; not to change him. I recognize that it is both ineffective and unworkable to impose what I want onto him. At the same time, he is mentally ill and physically ill. I do not want to cut him off because it does not help. Thank you everybody.