Where to go from here with our difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by cindygirl, Sep 14, 2009.

  1. cindygirl

    cindygirl New Member

    Well my 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with multiple illnesses 13 years ago. Every year she is diagnosed with something more. Now that she has also developed a strong dependecy on drugs and alcohol I just feel like our life has spiralled out of control (more out of control to be honest). She is very pretty and people are always taken aback when they first meet her. She is usually polite and quiet until they get to know her. She is now prostituting (for drugs and alcohol never for money) and stealing vehicles or items out of vehicles. When she drinks she never can stop until she is passed out or the alcohol is gone. When she drinks she loses everything including her bus pass (she had it for 2 days this month) her sisters phone (she took her 12 year old sisters phone out of her room without permission). She maxed out my credit cards (without permission she snuck it out of my purse) and has stolen 10,000. this year from us. We are obligated by law to keep her here until she is 18. That is a long 17 months from now. Even when she is arrested she is brought back to us. The law in Canada says that she is entitled to come and go as she wants, or move out but we have to take her back. This week she was arrested with a 21 year old male and a 15 year old male in 2 stolen vehicles. She gave a friends name and birthdate but the males gave her real name so she has been charged with obstruction of justice, and theft over 5000.00. They kept her in a holding cell for 22 hours before she was taken to the young offender centre. Next day she was given a no cash bail (and you got it) sent back to us. Her bond conditions were to stay away from the boys she was arrested with (hanging out with them within hours of release) and go to school and maintain good grades. Today she left for school almost an hour late. She accepts no responsibility and blames her father and myself for anything that goes wrong in her life. I no longer keep any money (not one penny) in the house or she steals it. She has been charged with assault of a peace officer but she was so drunk she was blacked out and remembers nothing. She won't even clean up after herself because we don't pay her to do anything so she owes us nothing, yet when she spends the night at other people's homes she cleans and cooks. 2 weeks ago she was so vile and hateful to her father he had had enough. He grabbed her by the scruff and shoved her out the door in a towel. When I grabbed her clothes and gave them to her she pushed her way back in when her father let her get into her clothes and then pushed her out the door again. She was so angry she grabbed a small boulder and threw it through the front storm door. The neighbours called the police and they escorted her into the house to grab her belongings and then drove her away. We didn't let her back in for 5 days. When she asked to come back I explained the new rules to her. She is to treat this as just another of the flops she stays in. If you put it down, pick it up. Do not yell at us or demand anything. Anything you get is a bonus. She wouldn't be calling any of these other people's parents whores, :censored2:es, douchbags etc. She wouldn't be hitting them or smashing their things. Now we are again finding ourselves with our backs to the wall. She has to be here every day from 9 pm to 6 am so that puts us in her sights for all of those hours. And she is just as hateful as can be. Where do we go from here.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you tried residential placement? At least she'd be off the streets and not in your care. She sounds way out of control and in my opinion needs out of home placement and a safe place to try to heal (if she indeed WANTS to heal). (((Hugs)))
  3. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    It does sound to me as if she needs an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If she is on probation, call her PO as she breaks the rules, if you think that will help place her in one. I would think, at this point , if she doesn't get into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she'll land in jail quickly enough. I'm sorry you're going through this.
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Hi there. Wow. Sounds like you are stressed right out, understandably!!
    I'm in Canada too (northern Ontario). There is an upside to her age. She is still your legal responsability as you know. However it also means you can dictate where she is! And right now, sounds like she needs a secure environment and some intervention in some way before these legal things become an adult criminal record, and before she comes to serious harm via addiciton or her hooking.
    First, with her upcoming charges. In young offender court, she must have a Pre Sentence Report produced by a probation officer. This will be given to the judge in considering her sentence. YOU HAVE A TON OF INPUT IF YOU WANT TO HAVE IT! This is a good thing! You can go about this a few ways, even better, do them all!
    Contact your local children mental health agency. Find out about local or nearby residential treatment programs (not necessarily drug/alcohol treatment, just residential treatment if thats all that is offered). Find out what programs she qualifies for. In Ontario anyhow, it can be a long wait for these programs. However, if court ordered from a YOA judge, it speeds things up and a bed is located asap.
    Find out about drug/treatment programs for her age, addictions and mental health issues. Find out about where there are beds available and who accepts quick intake when ordered by the young offender judge.
    Find out what local secure custody young offender facilities have programs for addictions or mental health or behavioural programs.
    Give all of this information to the probation officer, and discuss in depth with them that you want and need the judge to order her to either drug/alcohol treatment, residential treatment, or if all else fails, a young offender facility. For her OWN good. To help her while you still have the parental power and control, before she blows it as an adult and gets deeper into her addictions and criminal behaviours. Be honest with the probation officer so that the judge will know, aside from whatever charges she appears in court about, what she is up to. Her behaviour shows she is a risk to herself.
    You don't need a court order to get her in treatment, especially residential treatment for behaviour/mental health problems. So you could start the ball rolling there too all on your own.
    Beyond these practical steps, I'm so sorry you're facing all of this. It sounds as if your family is hostage to her comings and goings. Please discuss as a family what you plan to do if she breaks her curfew. Reporting her breach of her release should she not comply, will get you in front of a judge quicker. Between 16-18 is a tricky place in Canada with our laws. However, the courts and the police know this! You can refuse to have her conditions of a release send her home to you. This can help a judge see that you know she needs help and they cna't turn her out to the street. The court can be your ally right now and better now when she's young enough that her criminal charges will be cleared from her record, than in a few years when she'll have this haunt her the rest of her life.
    Again, hugs to you! This is a good place with good people. You'll find great support here.
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    ((( ))) Cindy girl Sending support your way! I am a parent of a 16 year old girl who has done similar. She currently soes not live here (lives in an apt. with other young people). It is one day at a time. Be sure and take good care of you. Compassion
  6. cindygirl

    cindygirl New Member

    Well this has been a terrible week for her attendance at school or coming home. She has attended 4 of her 15 classes and has not showed up at the office for the math course that they are offering for her spare. They told her at the beginning that if she was blowing classes that they are going to throw her out. I again reminded her this morning that if she is not attending school or her courses that they are going to ask her to leave. The judge told her that one of her bail conditions was perfect attendance in school and good grades. Not running after her boyfriend and trying to make him love her. This week she went to "school" and then came home after class (boyfriend supposedly had to work) everything was going fine until she went out to just find a cigarette. She didn't take her purse or her coat, she didn't say she was going out so when I saw her purse on the chair I thought she was just upstairs watching tv. When husband came home he asked where she was I told him upstairs. When I checked she was not there. So I waited for her to come home. Her boyfriend called at 10:30 and he had not heard from her. By 3:00 am I was frantic. He called again at 8 am and I told him I hadn't heard from her. At 9 he called to say that she had called him from somebodys home and she was covered in scratches and had no idea what had happened to her after she smoked some weed with them. He told her to go to the transit station downtown and I went to get her. I looked everywhere but there was no sign of her. Then he called to say that she was at the downtown mall and go and get her there. So I took the transit train down to the mall and looked for her there. When I finally found her she was covered in mud and scratches and had 7 hours missing from her memory. She was missing 1 sock and her undergaments and had no idea whos house she was in. She had met an old boyfriend who invited her to come "chill" with a few of his friends. She sort of remembers him dragging her to a bush and sort of remembers him trying to have sex with her. Whatever was in the weed made her foggy and it was like "a dream". She wouldn't go to the police, lost her ipod, her current boyfriend tried to break up with her. So she made an appointment with her drug counsellor that day (doubt she kept the appointment). But she always dissasociates it as the bad behaviours take over. She hasn't been home by curfew 1 day this week but they finally assigned her a probation officer today. Maybe now things will start moving.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is she still being treated for a current illness? Does she have to take medications for any of the 13 years of illness? I am just wondering if the drugs are intensified due to other medications.

    She really needs help and in my humble opinion is SCREAMING out for it. I wish the system could see that.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I missed your initial post. Usually I try to reach out and offer support pronto. Your situation is unbearable I'm sure and is very similar to a former CD member who fought a long time to save her daughter from pimping and exotic dancing and drugs etc. I mention her only to let you know that no matter how horrible it is...others here have traveled that road.

    The others have provided ideas and support to you. I have only one thing to add. If you do not have a journal of her
    dangerous behavioral past, put one together. Presenting a
    journal to the Court or social services representative is much more effective than talking. With a written, dated, report it will be more likely that she will be mandated to a facility for treatment. Verbally it can sound to authorities that "typical teen" behavior is in conflict with parenting ideas
    particularly when emotions enter into formal or informal testifying about the needs of the teen.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    I'm sincerely sorry that you are in such turmoil and hope there is a positive resolution available. Hugs. DDD