who do I choose husband or difficult child?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    :sick::confused:I don't know where to go on Monday.
    My difficult child needs me at his pretrial at 1:30 so I can defend him and plead for him to come home on gps. He deserves a chance to show them that he has changed!!!
    husband has court for SSI. For those of you who don't know he has a bone disorder and he broke his leg over a year and a half ago and it is not healing as a matter of fact they just found a new hairline fracture just above the break.He applied for SSI a while back and we have been waiting for a trial. Finally we get a letter that it is Monday.
    I am torn- I know they will not let me speak at all at husband court. We already met with the lawyer and she did a mock hearing to explain what to expect and she flat out told me that I can not even raise my eyebrows or anything to "help" husband with his answers so I know that it would be for moral support. I have been by his side threw all the ups and downs of everything. He however, when I was going threw depositions for my injury I went to most of them by myself.
    difficult child needs someone there on his side-he already feels like no one wants him. I am NOT confident that our lawyer will really DEFEND him-he is court appointed because we can't afford one. I feel like he really isn't vested in difficult child since he gets paid the same no matter the outcome. He really hasn't gone to bat for him in the past, he just goes along with what the JPO advises. Thankfully I am in their face all the time to find a new way to get treatment vs commitment to detention. The states attorney is painting the picture that difficult child is awful and it makes me mad :mad: Not one of them have even tried to get to know him. :not_fair: that ALL of our difficult child's get judged on something that happened years ago. Why is life so unfair for them. difficult child can be in an argument in second grade over what color paint he wants then 7 grades later the courts are usign it as an example that he is difficult to deal with. Most of us (in my opinion) would fail these "tests" that they make our difficult child's take because of society.

    So I could REALLY use some advise and input for you all as to what I should do. Do I go with husband or do I go with difficult child? Please share your opinion!!! Thanks :scared:
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Since you can not affect the outcome of husband's trial and you are needed at difficult child's, I would go to difficult child's trial.

    What time is husband's and are they in the same facility or close enough for you to get to husband's before or after difficult child"s?
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband is an adult.

    difficult child is a minor.

    I would go to difficult children.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    husband can advocate for himself, if it is needed and allowed. difficult child cannot. I would go with difficult child. Maybe a friend or family member can go with husband?
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Absolutely you must go to difficult child's trial. As you said, you can't affect the outcome of husband's anyway and I'm sure he will understand. Good luck with both of these important events!
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm with the replies so far. Since you cannot affect the outcome of husband's case, but the potential for you to help difficult child's outcome is there, I would go with difficult child.

    Have you discussed this with husband yet? I would imagine that most husbands would insist you be with your son.....

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    In this state (I can't speak for any other), a custodial parent is required to be in court with a juvenile. If the parent doesn't show up, it can add another legal issue.

    But I don't get the jest of what is going on with your son- in your other post you said he got released from detention, then got arrested at school for something else that you feel was not his fault. What is this last arrest for?
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm going to play devil's advocate here ~ sorry ladies. I really think you should support husband unless the court order states that a custodial parent be in court with your difficult child.

    Your difficult child will grow & move out of the house; you husband is a lifetime commitment (in a different way from your child). If a close relative can be with your difficult child during his hearing or you can ask for a different court date I would do so.

    Social security court dates are hard to come by; disability is even harder to obtain.

    I don't mean to seem harsh to your difficult child however you asked. You have a lifetime left with husband. The fact that you needed our opinions on this matter tells me you are ambivalent one way or another. AND this is my humble opinion.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im kind of in the middle here myself.

    I still am somewhat in the dark as to exactly what your sons charges were that landed him in this trouble and why he keeps getting arrested and getting out and going back etc. I have attempted to go back and read your posts and I cant find the answers.

    I dont think you are going to be allowed to influence your son's attorney either. He/she is your son's attorney and works for him. The attorney really cannot do what you tell them to do. He has to get his/her information from the client. Especially one as old as your son. Now the attorney can call you as a witness if they want but that is as far as the influence can go.

    As far as the SSI hearing goes, I have been through one of those too. It is true that a spouse cannot speak or testify in one of them. My SO was there for me just for moral support but I would have been devastated if he hadnt been there. I was scared enough as it was and I needed him. He had just been released from the hospital after suffering from a minor stroke too but he was there.
  10. mog

    mog Member

    Thank you all for you input. I am trying to see if you sister in law can go with difficult child and I am meeting with the lawyer in the morning. His court is at 1:00. The court knows that we have this other court to go to and even difficult child said I should go with husband but my mommy heart says I need to protect difficult child.
    Basically we were told by difficult child's therapist that he needed to be hospitalized so when he got angry to call the police for them to transport him. We did but they refused to transport and charged him with assault and battery. He would try to hurt himself when he was angry so I would try to restrain him and get hurt. Then he has been in and out of different programs but when the insurance stops paying we end up in front of the judge again.This time he was in detention because he left the school grounds during school hours and he wasn't suppose to but he left so the incident with the security guard would Not get physical. Then we went to court and the judge let him come home but we did not know that there had been a security guard at the detention center that was harassing him and difficult child defended himself but he was on a no tolerance policy which is crazy anyway. How many of our difficult child's would be able to do? He is bipolar, adhd and restless leg syndrome. He can't sit, stand or lay still.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Why is it that you are torn? Has husband been demanding that you accompany him? Does husband not want you to be with difficult child? Do you not want to be with one of them and are feeling guilty about it?

    My guess is that you prefer to go to court to support husband--but you are feeling guilty because you feel you SHOULD go to court to support difficult child.

    On the one hand--husband is an adult and can handle himself while difficult child is a minor who legally, may need a parent present.

    On the other hand--which of them is going to be more appreciative of the fact that you came? Which is going to be more disappointed? Which is going to be angry or upset regardless?

    If I knew that someone was going to treat me like dirt for trying to stand by their side, I probably wouldn't want to go either.

    And if someone made me feel as if it was very important for me to be with them during a stressful time, I would absolutely want to be there for them.

    So what is the situation exactly? Who is pulling your heartstrings which direction?

  12. mog

    mog Member

    Both I guess- since difficult child came home husband is distant to both of us and difficult child feels that it is his fault but the reality is that husband has been that way with both of my biological children ever since his kids left because they did not want to live by the house rules. He feels that difficult child hurts my feelings and takes advantage but he instigates most of the arguments.
    difficult child on the other hand expects me to be there and is desperate for good attention from husband. He did say that he thought I should go with husband but I am worried that he will speak in court and do more damage than good.
    I want to make everybody happy. I am still trying to repair the relationships with his kids but they really haven't responded very well. Unfortunately they have learned that they were here because bio mom is a drug addict and she still doesn't want them around and I think that they feel stupid for destroying the family they had.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    In my opinion, I think you need to be at court with your son. Mainly because it's probably the law since he's a juvenile, if he's going to be released it will be to a parent, if he's not going to be released then you will wish you had been there. If you know he's going to be released and the law allows you to have someone else there to bring him home, then I think you should go with your husband. Your husband is going to court for no fault of his own.

    You didn't ask for opinions for other areas of this but I'll give you a few anyway- noting that these are just my opinions for you to consider or not as you see fit. I don't think your son is as innocent or helpless in all these situations as you do. Even though our kids are difficult child's, they are able to take more responsibility than we think many times if we step back and stop bailing them out. If your son is so unstable that he can't maintain a few week period over the course of a year without getting arrested or at least without becoming aggressive and you feel like he can't control it at 16 yo, do you think he should live in a mental instiitution? Have you thought about what it will take for him to get to a point where he can live in mainstream? I know you think he's changed, and maybe he has but I can't see what he changed from- I didn't know him a few years ago. I just read your posts saying that he got arrested again, but this wasn't his fault either, he just needs another chance to prove he won't get into trouble again. I think family therapy might help the entire family- including your husband and your relationship.

    I apologize for coming across so harsh- I have nothing against you and know how hard this can be. I also know that states deal with juveniles who are in trouble very differently. It just appears to me that your son is going to keep going until the system there is going to either lock him up for a while in a detention center or Department of Juvenile Justice or they are going to send him to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or something. What services do you think he can get that will change him?
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2010
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion it's no contest. You have a disturbed son. Your hub can take care of himself. Doesn't sound like he is trying very hard with your kids. Your difficult child needs you. Go with him.
  15. mog

    mog Member

    I couldn't choose so made arrangements to do both.
    Well it has been a day. I had a phone interview for a job at 8:00 this morning, drove up to meet with difficult child's Lawyer at one end of town but he forgot so we came home just in time to change my socks -it snowed here and my feet were freezing- and get a heavier jacket before we drove across town in the other direction. We ended up taking two vehicles that way if he was not done in time I could leave to be with difficult child -we asked the courts to put it on last and they said to be there at 2;30
    I think that the job interview went well --husband court went really well our lawyer says he won we just need to wait for the paperwork (will really help to get us out of debt) --Things for difficult child did not go well at all they detained him and they have ordered a forensic test (?) Does anyone have any idea what that means.
    I am not sure what my difficult child needs to be able to function in the real world hopefully this test will help us find out. Therapists have said for a long time that he needs a Psyche evaluation but I dont think that it has ever been done.
    I was a little offended by what husband lawyer said about him. He was with us last week when we went to meet with her and she told us today that it was very evident to her that he abuses us and she told us that we can't allow that -we need to watch out for each other. She didn't even talk to him or anything. The only thing that I can think of that made her think that is that when we were leaving that day difficult child was talking to someone and he stayed behind to finish his conversation. She and husband rode the elevator down but I stayed behind to wait for difficult child.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm glad to hear that your husband's hearing went well. I'm sure that must be a big relief.

    As far as an evaluation for your son- previous therapists who recommended an evaluation were probably either recommending a neuropsychological evaluation that would include testing or an evaluation with a psychiatrist. I prefer an MDE which is a team of professionals to evaluation the child after nueropsych testing is done.

    The forensic evaluation that the court ordered will not be the same, probably. My guess is that it will be the typical court version of a mental health evaluation. There are two types- one is a comp evaluation to see if the child is old enough and mature enough to understand what he/she did was illegal and how the court system works. I doubt they would do this on a 16yo. The other is usually done by a psychologist who works for the juvenile justice system to see if they think he has a mental health problem that lead to these offenses- being a juvenile system, this can lead to services being ordered and provided, but it might not be what you would conclude or choose. There is another type of mental health evaluation for determining if a person is not guilty by reason of insanity, so to speak, but I've never heard of that being used in a juvenile case. That doesn't mean it couldn't happen, just that I think they try to determine if the juvenile has a mental health problem and then get it treated, instead of actually "committing" the juvenile to a mental institution.

    Being that you're the parent, the evaluator might call and ask you a few questions. It will be important to answer honestly. They will either provide a report for the judge or testify in court. This will help the judge determine the sentence and whether or not he is detained with or without mental health treatment, released on probation with or without court ordered treatment, or sent to another place like a private Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I will forewarn you that if you repeatedly say to them that none of these things were his fault but were always someone else's, they are likely to deem this as part of the problem and it could effect the recommendations they give to the judge.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  17. mog

    mog Member

    Thank you very much for the information. They had said that they wanted him to go to a facility where they are trained to work with bipolar but the INS. only approved for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but that is not what they want this must be why they ordered the test.