Why am I the bad guy?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Dec 20, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I love my daughter and I love how much she cares about people and things. It is pretty remarkable considering her Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). However, her lack of common sense drives me up the wall.

    Her roommate gave his cat dog flea medicine and it went into convulsions. He took it to the emergency vet -- $95.00 up front just to see the cat and now they want an additional $285.00 for medications and treatment. As yet, these two idiots have not paid December's rent (he got fired and then rehired at a much lower rate of pay). My daughter had her share of the rent. He didn't. Please note the "had." Yup, she paid the $95.00 fee for the cat and will now pay the remaining costs.

    So, she calls me and asks me for advice. The clinic says if they don't pay it, they will keep the cat, charge an additional $500.00 and then who knows what happens if they can't pay it. One of her co-workers says this is a total ripoff. Well, yes, it is but that's emergency clinics. Not a lot of heart in them.

    My advice is that it is his cat and his responsibility. He can borrow from his family, friends. For her to use the rent money makes no sense to me. This is not her cat. This is not even a cat she particularly likes. But her "morals will not let a cat she lives with die." I do understand how she feels but she's an adult with adult responsibilities. She owes rent, utilities. These are in her name. She wants to buy a car sometime in the future. Her credit rating after this fiasco and probable eviction are going to pretty much preclude that idea.

    Of course, she is screaming at me on the phone. I'm not sure how it became my fault and how I became a heartless witch (the nicest thing she called me) who would rather see an innocent animal die than help it. My guess is she wanted me to volunteer to give her the money.

    So, how did all of this become my fault? I'm angry that her roomie was so irresponsible that he didn't even get the right medicine for his cat and the poor animal suffered because of it. I'm angry that she screamed at me because I didn't jump through her hoops and once again save her from herself. I'm hurt that she thinks I'm such an uncaring person because I choose to face reality.

    Okay, done ranting and I don't feel a bit better. Guess I'll go unpack some more stuff. Moving in stinks!
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    My thought is that she isn't mad that you're "uncaring" (which you're not), she's mad that you're not bailing her out. You're not giving her what she wants. Plain and simple.

    Afterall, she let your cats go without water for how many days?

    She feels obligated for whatever reason to help her friend and wants you to help her do that. The cat is just a pawn to use against you.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Heather is right. You did not give her the answer she wants. She needs to learn that it is o.k. to let her roommate face up to his own problems.

    I think my easy child's friends feel that she will always use us, her parents, to bail her out so if they can make their problems her problems, maybe we will foot the bill? WRONG!

    It is a very hard lesson for our kind hearted children to learn. It is just as important for them to allow their friends to live up to their responsibilities as it is for us to allow our difficult child's to live up to responsibilities.

    Your difficult child can not sacrifice her financial well being (or yours) to save someone else. Why should that person live in luxury while your easy child pays the price?

    You did a good thing. I do know it is hard though. To knowingly give an answer that will cause your child more emotional grief yet to know it is for her best interest.

    You are a great warrior mom. Your hurting heart is the best evidence. If you didn't care and didn't try, your heart wouldn't break so much.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. It is probably because deep inside she knows you are right and many young adults still have a hard time with a reality check when it comes from their parent. Instead of giving advice, put the decisions in her hand. "I'm sorry to hear that, what will you do about it?" is my first response to a difficult child crisis.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I relate to the feeling of always being the bad guy or at the very least the heavy.
    Sorry for you.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Doomed to fail.

    Unless you agreed with what she wanted to hear, you were absolutely doomed to failure.

    It's not your fault, and you certainly gave great advice, it just so happened that it wasn't the advice she was looking for.

    When Rob asks for advice, my heart starts pounding and the palms of my hands start to sweat. PTSD of your scenario, big time. I've worked very hard to perfect the "Mom Bobblehead" and make a quick escape. :)

  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Eventually, she will realize that "every one is needy and no one is grateful", a quote from difficult child 1 after blowing part of his inheritance helping out some of his irresponsible friends. He never got the money back.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    She's mad at you for telling her what she already knows she should do.


    She can't yell at herself for knowing what she should do, so she yells at you instead.

    She knew exactly what you'd tell her when she called. Nichole used to do this alot until I finally got her to look at it this way.

    But you're right. It stinks to have to be their bad guy.

  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    MW -

    Repeat after me: I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy.

    Heh- they don't call it tough love for nuthin honey!!

    Hope you're feeling better today. Hugs.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I guess I knew the answer, I just wanted it validated but I'm still so tired of being blamed for the faults of the world. And I'm so not thrilled with the final outcome. These two idiots have not paid December's rent and now don't have enough to pay the rent. The original plan was she would move in at the end of March when her lease was up. Something tells me it is going to be much sooner. I was looking forward for that 3-month reprieve.

    Anyone mind if I have a full-blown temper tantrum?
  11. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Tantrum away - at least you gave us a warning - which is more than I usually get.

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Meow, Your daughter sounds alot like mine. Never wrong always "trying to do the right thing" by the world while walking all over those she loves and abusing them when they put up proper boundries. I think if you do not want her in your home you should not have her in your home. Especially when she has don so little to change her attitude towards you. I realize it is difficult to let our daughters learn the hard way but sometimes that is what it takes. Sometimes they never learn at all. In that case you just see them when they are in a good place and remove yourself from the line of fire when they are not.

    in my humble opinion You should have just hung up when she started getting nasty. Sorry MB you deserve better. -RM
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You're right, I should have hung up on her and I don't why I didn't. I usually do when she gets on a tirade like that. I guess I was happy that she needed my advice. That's not something she's ever said to me before. I don't know. Stupidity in action, I guess.

    As to her not moving in, that's really not an option. She has changed. Not as much as I would like but there is change. Regardless, I can't let her drift from place to place because she has no money for an apartment on her own right now. The plan is she will save her money, buy a car and move out. This will probably take a year and it won't be an easy year but at least there are real goals on her part. She will pay rent. She will help around the house with some nagging by me. She will do what is needed when I complain enough. I just don't want it but I know I can't live with the alternatives.

    There will be set rules and if they broken she will be out the door that very second. She is very aware of that and she won't break those rules. It's the little things that will drive me crazy. She'll be good about the no theft, no violence, paying her share of the rent stuff.

    I wish she could get some help through social services but she qualifies for nothing. I had to fight tooth and nail to get any assistance when she was younger from adoption services. Now that she's an adult, they've totally washed their hands of her. She's in that class of people not mentally ill enough for assistance but not stable enough to live on her own as a constructive adult. Sometimes things really do stink!