Why was it I felt like I was the one being treated like I'm on probation?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Nov 20, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Could it be things like getting a phone call 3 weeks ago from a new PO, telling him address, phone numbers, etc, and that I travel sometimes for my new job that I CANNOT afford to lose over this koi, him telling me not to worry that he'd contact me in a couple of weeks by phone about school info for difficult child and sometime before difficult child gets released NEXT YEAR he'd have to schedule a home visit......then coming home after being gone for work all week to have a friggin PO's card stuck in my front door? No phone call on cell (he has the number), no message on home VM (he has the number), no planned appointment/meeting, no requirement for me to tell him when I'm going out of town when difficult child isn't even living here .....


    Geez.... and I thought the guy sounded nice and reasonable on the phone. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now about these people.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Maybe he was just in the neighborhood and thought he'd drop by?
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Have you called or emailed him about this? I would let him know how upset you are about him not calling first like he said he was going to. That is what he told you so that is what you expect him to do. Or, if you are more like me, pretend I never got the card because it blew away or someone else must have taken it off the door so I had no idea they even stopped. "Sorry about that, but if you'd have called like you had said you were going to then I would have made it a point to be home." I can be so evil when I want to. LOL.

    Good Luck.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    H- to me it is completely inappropriate to stop by unnanounced to the home of one of his parolee's parents when the kid isn't even in the person's custody and won't be for at least 8 more mos, whether he was in the neighborhood or not. This isn't a CPS case where it would be warranted to check up on the parent. He'll learn 'cause that 'just ain't gonna fly with me'. It makes me glad I didn't give him my work phone number.
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I get why you're angry, I'm just entertaining the possibility that difficult child landed a more personable PO that dropped by to say hello or something. *shrug*
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It's ok- what you are saying I mean. I've just had my share of court people due to difficult child stuff and honestly resent them being in my life at all since it was never me that broke the law- at least not in the past 30 years and I never got myself caught up in the court system. After all the experience I had with them in our last town, I don't see any effort to contact me as friendly, right or wrong. I sure don't want PO cards popping up all over my life when my son isn't even living here. It's bad enough that our state requires monthly phone contact with the parent and a face-to-face meeting with the parent every 90 days while the juvenile is incarcerated. The general public doesn't get this and assumes it's the parent in trouble. The parent can never feel like the are away from the system, even though it was the kid that got into trouble. And furthermore, they have never done one thing that has helped my son get rehabilitated so I really view it more as a waste of taxpayers' dollars. They'll pay these peoples' salaries but supposedly can't afford a group home or any type of service that actually might be effective.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm hoping you got lucky and get one that really wants to help rather than intrude.
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I get how you are feeling, KLMNO. I have not been through nearly what you have yet I know the feeling of intrusiveness from the "system". Vent away!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I hate that you must endure all of this garbage. Cause it is garbage!! I would pretend I didn't get it, then if he continued to pull that koi I would ask an attorney about it. Parents of difficult children, and sibs, really get done wrong by the system, don't they?
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Jane! I know you are trying to be optomistic H- I get that. I don't have the energy to spill out all I have to vent that is pent up inside of me- but another big one that comes to mind is their mainpulation tactics they use on the parent- when the parent suggests that maybe a group home would be a good idea to help the kid transition back home after Department of Juvenile Justice, they try to threaten court for abanodonment and say they don't have it available, yet when the parent says "I can't meet with you then" or "that could cost me my job", they say "that's your problem- I can take you in front of the judge and you might lose custody if you don't do this" (escuse me- didn't you just say you had nowhere else to send him?). Then, they preach about the kid taking responsiblity for himself and the parent staying out of the decisions they and the kid make- then turn around and say the parent is responsible for what the kid does and any restitution owed. The system are the worst people to triangulate. At least around here. I can't imagine a day when I won't be convinced that my son could have been helped if we'd had access to more adaequate people- instead I'm trying to teach my son that he needs to find a way to suceed in spite of the people forcing him to become another statistic. But I did it- he can too, I hope.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so used to those PO cards or door hangers by now I think of them almost as Christmas Cards...lol. Here they also have these little papers that hang around the door nob that say something like "Sorry I missed you!" and leave a space for the PO to fill in some info. LOL. Normally ours just say he came by, time, phone number and ask that Cory call him back sometime soon.

    I think you need to just develop a "whatever" attitude towards this sort of thing. Its going to be a part of your life for a long time because of your son. Get a little basket and set it next to the front door. Toss the cards in there. If you have an email for this guy, shoot him off an email that says something like..."Sorry I missed you! If you call me next time, I will try to arrange a time we can meet. Thanx!"
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I do understand what you're saying and in part what you're feeling. In telephone conversations with easy child/difficult child's PO I often get chapped off. You're right the parents get residual controling vibes. on the other hand you are in a new region with a new PO and I think you need to hope for the best while you stay prepared for the worst. A card in the door isn't terribly intrusive and reasonably is he was in the neighborhood it is possible that he decided to just see if you were home to get the one/on/one over for you both. He's not responsible (and probably doesn't know about) for your past experience. Perhaps it's a bit like a second marriage where the wounds haven't healed from the first. I think it's important that you not begin therelationship with undue prejudice. He may be a wonderful person (yes, we had one of those) and most importantly he is going to be the ongoing resource for you and difficult child. Think toward the future and try to squash the issues from the past. My fingers are
    crossed that he actualy is as he seemed during your initial contact. DDD
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I wouldn't (publicly) get riled at him, because it looks too much like you've got something to hide. "Don't drop in on me without an appointment, because I need time to hide the still out back..."

    However, it IS a waste of his time and a lost opportunity for both of you, for this to happen. I would tackle him over it, without the animosity. Don't pretend you didn't see the card - they would be used to that, it would wear thin. We've had problems with difficult child 3's schoolwork not arriving in the mail and simply telling the school that our delivery is unreliable, is met with sceptical glances. When I produced a letter of apology from the postal service, admitting to the problem, THEN I was believed.

    What I suggest you do is make it clear - you've got a short fuse on this, because you've had so many past POs seem to start off well with you, and who then seem to be trying to find 'dirt' on you, rather than help your boy. And when he turned up on spec, it pushed all the wrong buttons and angered you because of the wasted opportunity. You would have been home if you had known; heck, if he had even rung your mobile, you might even have been able to say, "I'm on my way home anyway; stay put, I'll be there in five minutes and put the kettle on."

    You and the PO should be working as a team. OK, in the past they did not. You need to tell this guy about that and let him know why you are so prickly and gun-shy about this sort of thing. You have been badly disrespected in the past when all you want is to help your son. Which hasn't happened, despite all your efforts. "So please, Mr PO, can this be different? DON'T drop in on spec, unless you also ring to let me know or at least find out if I'm in the area anyway and can meet up with you. Heck, I'm worth a call on my mobile, because wherever you happen to be, I might be nearby and about to go on a work break, we could meet then. Or we might be able to talk, even briefly. We are a team; let's work as one, work together, and finally, HELP this boy!"

    Keep the focus on getting help for your son. Avoid the "Don't invade my turf without my knowledge or permission" because it smacks too much of a hillbilly on the veranda brandishing a huge shotgun, warning off the travelling salesman with "Git orf mah land or I'll blow yore brains out." Yes, we get scenes like that in Australia too...

    You have a right to feel prickly about this. But I think you need to shove those feelings aside (even while you let them continue to warn you of the need for caution) and see what this guy has to offer for your son.

    Fingers crossed that this time, it will be better.

  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Just a hug, K. You are never far from my mind.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies!

    Marg, I was born in hillbilly country and that is how I feel! although I don't have a shotgun and have never been considered a redneck. LOL! They don't cdonsider parents "partners" in their efforts to rehabilitate the difficult child in this state - it's their method (officially) to manage both the difficult child and the parent because they work under the premise that the family is as much the cause of the difficult child having delinquent behavior as anything else, if not completely the cause. They have legal authority over the parent just like they do the difficult child but they aren't supposed to be treating the parent like they are the one on probation/parole unless that parent has been court ordered to do something particular pertaining to the difficult child. And I have not, at this point in time.

    My guess is that the guy just found out he was supposed to do a home visit before the end of the month or meet me in person or something since I just moved here, realized he's going to be on vacation due to holidays, and rushed to try to CYA himself. Too bad if that's the case because I'll be out of town next week, too. If it was necessary to see me, it is beyond me why he wouldn't have called first. But I will be polite in setting that straight. If he wanted to verify that this is where I live, in order to verify jurisdiction, it would make more sense to have me bring in lease agreement or something like that- the same way the sd does. He never called me back about the sd info he was going to check into either.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Now that I think about it, I was told last year when discussing the HI possibility that a change in jurisdiction requires the receiving state to do a home check to verify there is a home there and that it's accommodating for a difficult child (bedroom, etc) and not a crack house or soemthing, prior to submitting papers formally "accepting" the difficult child into this jurisdiction. That would be fine- that's one of the reasons I went ahead and rented a 2BR place now. So I guess this guy dropped the ball, realized it late in the month (considering we have a holiday this week) and rushed to get over here. We talked on the phone 3 weeks ago- he could have scheduled something then.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If he never called you back about the SD stuff then that leaves the door open for you to call him and ask him about it.

  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I bet you're right about the required home visit and the timing. In our experience some PO's are caring and some are complete idiots. This guy is new (at least to you) and I think you need to give him the benefit of a doubt. Look around your new office and observe the different personalities, the diffrent ways of coping with stress, the different degrees of likeability and efficiency. All those variables are present in the PO's workplace too. Everyone has a different heart for their jobs. His approach may just be a sign of his less formal way of meeting his supervisors needs etc. Years ago we had one young PO who was required to "see" difficult child at home. If we were outside he wouldn't even get out of his car, lol. He just slowly drove by and gave a thumbs up. In difficult child's case he knew after one home visit that we were aok and that difficult child was
    not a concern to anyone. It will take a little time to get your working relationship estabished. I'm hoping he is just a laid back guy who comes through when needed. Hugs. DDD
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got home- I went to work first thing this AM to put required paperwork in for last week's trip, ate an early lunch there because you can't beat the price and they were celebrating something so the meal was extra special, then drove 2 hours to get to VA to have my mammo done. Then I went to our old vet and picked up preventative stuff for the dogss and came home to find he left me a VM about 4:30 this evening saying he wants to stop by tomorrow. He can be here when I get off work. I don't want him here when I get off work. I want time to straighten the house and I am not doing it tonight. The weekend was spent driving, unpacking, doing laundry, going to the store, catching up on a week's worth of mail etc. I planned to get the house straightened over the long weekend because I have to work tomorrow and Wed. In my mind, given that I'm not the one on probation and difficult child isn't living here so they don't need to verify his whereabouts, I'm bending over enough to meet with them at all and put up with monthly phone calls, etc, which obviously serve NO benefit to helping rehabilitate a difficult child who's incarcerated because the mother called caops on him for committing an offense against her. I don't feel like I owe these people anything. I'm darn sure sick of jumping when they say jump. Now, if he'd scheduled a week or so ago it would be different. But I'm not at their beckon call. And if I was out of town this week for the holidays- what exactly would he say or do? That's why you don't wait until 4:30 the day before you need to see someone or stop by unnanounced unless the person is on probation and supposed to be there.

    ETA: Sorry for being so cranky about this but I have had to send five emails over the past ten days and make phone calls to dept of correctional education AGAIN to get difficult child's IEP where it should have been to begin with. I wrote a letter giving 4 friggin points- very vaild things that had been agreed to verbally. First, I get a draft back with one point added. So I email back about other points, get draft back with two things added, no mention of fourth thing. I email about it and get no repsonse. This is what it is like in this state. I'm happy for those who have had better expereinces but I know this isn't due to me not being willing or trying to work with these people. It is the way they are taught here- you can tell because they all use the same lines with the parents. But I have a lot more vigilance when it comes to difficult child's IEP because obviously, it does benefit him. Whether or not this guy sees me tomorrow or Wed makes no difference in the big scheme of things. He could have called a week ago and said he needed to do a home visit, when would it be convenient. I don't do "I have to see you in less than 24 hours" very well- see thread title! I went thru this early on with last PO and told him if he needed someone to be at his beckon call and have difficult child where ever whenever at a moments notice and tell the guardian every single thing to do, they really needed to get difficult child in a group home where they would be paying his custodians and the guardians would be working for them.

    Any few mins of spare time tomorrow during normal working hours and shortly thereafter (since my hours run earlier than most), will be spent on the phone trying to get old mammo and ultrasound results sent to VA- again- because twice I've had scares and there are areas that were supposed to be watched but I hadn't been able to get a mammo inn the past few years until now. Right now I'm more worried about that and getting my prof license changed to this address than I am about a guy seeing the inside of my home. It was spending years putting difficult child issues and jumping thru hoops for these court people that landed me unemployed and losing my home. I'll be ****** if I'm doing it again. When they say "they'll work around my schedule, they better prepared to back that up because I have told them already- there won't be countless times I take off work for this koi and there won't be pushing everything else to the back burner this time.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just call him back and tell him it isnt convenient because you have a doctors appointment. Dont get all snippy with him. I have to call Cory's PO tomorrow and tell him Cory cant come in by 2:30 tomorrow. He is out of town. Cory told him when they made the appointment that he might not be here and the guy just told him to call or have someone call. So be it.