Will my bi-racial daughter date normally in our communisty? Those who know...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jun 10, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jumper just broke up with J. It was coming and I won't go into it other than to say his uber-jealousy finally did the relationship in.

    Now I have a maybe silly fear.

    Jumper is in a mostly white school community . She is quite popular and very pretty, but I'm afraid that no other boy will date her because of her race, either due to family pressure (although there doesn't seem to be much of that here...some parents have encoured their boys to date her) or that white boys aren't attracted to bi-racial girls that much. Maybe I'm all wet and worrying over nothing. The black boys have no trouble getting dates. They are chased after. It's different with the girls, I think.

    I know this is beyond stupid, but I'm really worried about it. She is so social, I'd hate for her to be left out. SHE doesn't seem worried. *I* am. And I know college is different, but there is no guarantee that jumper will have the grades to go to a four year college. So she may never have the college experience. More likely she will end up in a nearby mostly white two year tech school because we can't afford to send her far away.

    We have some black kids in the area, but they mostly grew up in the tough areas of Milwaukee and she isn't interested in them. She was brought up here. "Here" is Central Wisconsin. There is no real horrible prejudice here against interracial dating. I'm just mommy-afraid that the boys who like her as friends won't be attracted to her, although she's so pretty, and will not ask her out. All of her friends have a boyfriend or, if they break up, find another one fast. None are tramps. Jumper isn't a tramp.
    She's a very nice girl with a great personality. but still....

    Thanks, and, yes, I realize in advance that this is very silly since she is only just sixteen. But you do hurt if your child is left out. Now keep in mind that she has only broken up with J. for two days so I'm jumping the gun, but I have always worried about this. We can not move anytime soon and, as I said before, Jumper is not interested much in African-American boys partly because the ones she has met are not very nice and are very Milwaukee.

    Kind words? I'm worried about my son's divorce and my grandson and I don't need this little itty bitty "crisis" (in my head) adding to the stress.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Anyone have experiences to put my mind at rest? Yes, I've had a lot of threads lately (sorry!!!!).
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Awww, I saw her pics....I think your worry will be that too many boys are going to want to date her. I am OK with girls not having a boyfriend. I hope she just dates for a little while.....too much drama with the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. She was with him a long time, right? That is unusual for that age around here. Usually it is two weeks tops and then tears and a week later they are in love again.

    Maybe just follow her lead, she probably needs a break after being with him so long. You live in a nice area and you dont want her to date anyone who would hesitate due to ethnicity anyway.

    I'm so sorry about the divorce. It is just so sad. You are right, it is awful to see your kids hurt or even think it might happen.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are worrying a bit too much about this. I live in the south where you would think this would be the biggest place for that issue and I see lots of mixed race couples. I wont say its even Steven but its getting there. Where I live we have tri-racial dating because we have Native American's, African Americans and then us just plain old mutts.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    MWM, honestly? It's not as big an issue as it was when we were growing up.

    My kids are mixed, easy child and Travis could likely get away without saying anything........but Nichole, well, you can see it. But everyone here knows they're native american. Now you wouldn't necessarily think that's a huge deal, but it can be just as huge a deal as african american, just depends on who you're dealing with. And that pretty much sums it up. It depends on who you're dealing with.

    easy child had trouble only once. It both stunned and hurt her, not to mention insulted her. But otherwise, not much issue. If Nichole had any issues, she's never mentioned it.

    IF someone has an issue, you of course don't want her with them anyway. So, try not to worry so much. She's a gorgeous girl, I'm surprised you don't have males literally beating down the door.
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

    I am mixed race, and we were the only dark-skinned family in my neighbourhood. There were only about 10 black students in my high school in total. I never had any trouble with a social life or dating due to race. It just wasn't an issue.

    I have a feeling that Jumper's experience will be similar. Her friends and schoolmates likely don't think of her as "black" or "white" or "green" or "pink-with-purple-spots". They know and like her as Jumper, the pretty girl who's very social and good at sports. I think she'll be fine.

    And I agree with Lisa. if you want to worry about anything with regard to Jumper dating, it would be about fending the boys off with a stick. She's very pretty.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    I like the way Trinity put it. After all, you did say there are others, but they are too "Milwaukee". It's not about race or skin color, is about social environment and upbringing, socioeconomic status.

    In the unlikely event she never goes on another date in her HS career, please don't assume it's because she's bi-racial. However, I really don't think you'll have anything to worry about. I have a feeling the boys are lining up and drawing straws to see who gets to date her next.
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    She's a lovely girl and I think too that your main problem will be fighting the boys off once they find out she's "available" now! I live in a very small, VERY southern town where you might think there could be problems. But honestly, the kids don't seem to even notice what color anybody is! These kids have all known each other since kindergarten, they all run around together, play sports together, and you see quite a bit of mixed race dating. In many ways the younger kids are a lot more open minded about those things than a lot of their parents are!
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm kind of shocked to even hear anyone ask the question. Unless you are in some sort of terribly rigid cult, I don't think it will be an issue.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Today schools teach anti-bullying, mostly it's about accepting everyone, we're all the same inside, how would you feel if this happened to you, etc. This is taught every year here in NJ, K-12 .Kids are much more accepting than we were.
    My easy child has been dating a girl of another race for 2 1/2 years. It's a non-issue. Nobody I know has ever mentioned the race issue to me and I don't think you have a thing to worry about.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I'd look at it like this- if no one else seemed interested in her, J would never have been jealous and would have taken for granted that he was the only one for her, right? I'm not so sure she and J's relationship won't be on again- off again anyway.
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    My children are biracial and there are many factors that effect who they are attracted to, and who is attracted to them - just like with single race kids. At different points in maturity I think all kids vary -- when they are a little younger they are attracted purely to the physical and those they identify with. As they get a little more mature they begin to read the personality.

    My easy child daughter, who is now 21, has practiced "equal opportunity" with the three guys she has dated. Her first boyfriend was a "very white" ginger, the second a mixed black/hispanic, the third just your average caucasian.

    Who is attracted to them? The factors in the first paragraph apply but there is also the home factor. As much as folks are shocked, there are still many families out there who don't want their child dating outside their race. Even though easy child's ginger boyfriend was a little older, his family was still a huge influence on their relationship. They were not supportive in any way of their son dating my daughter. At 17 (and he was 19 and in college) my easy child had enough. This was her first "real" boyfriend. She broke up with him because of his inability to stand up for himself (told his parents he wasn't dating her anymore) -- hurt her to do it and she cried for days. When a kid grows up in a prejudiced/judgemental home it's tough to break the mold.

    But, we are living in a different time. Most young people today are much more accepting. I wouldn't say they are color blind because most do celebrate and accept the differences and are not blind to it. But, race doesn't enter into the equation like it used to when choosing friends or expressing your attractions.

    She will be ok. Don't worry unnecessarily.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon you are right too. Mandy is so dark that many people outside of this area would take her for either a fully AA person or mixed. However she is fully Lumbee Indian. Now McKenzie is going to look like a mixed race child. Keyana doesnt look like it to anyone but my daughter in law Billie...lol. But Keyana's mom isnt full blooded Indian and Cory is only about 1/4. Honestly if you saw pictures of Cory and Mandy you would think he was dating someone like your daughter. I dont think anyone has ever said anything to them.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you're all right and I'm probably being silly. I never worried about this with Julie who is asian. Speaking of the boys lining up to date here...asian doesn't seem to be any issue here, nor Native American. Black is more of one still, everywhere. And I just want her to be happy. I guess I'm sort of worrying about nothing...I tend to worry before something happens.

    I don't think her and J. will get back together and I think it may be for the best. J. is not only going away to college in Indiana (which is why I think they are starting to pull away from one another), but he doesn't trust her when she is HERE and HE is here. He can't trust anyone not to cheat. How is he doing to do that from Indiana? Plus, Jumper wants to hang out with her friends this summer. They miss her; she misses them. Many of them are boys.

    Jumper's friends kid her that J. has a GPS in her head. Jumper turned sixteen two days ago. She deserves to have a fun summer with all of her friends, the boys included. Yesterday she went to her friend's dance recital and two graduation parties. That's why J. was angry. Even though she invited him with, he wouldn't go and didn't want her to go. It's ridiculous.
  14. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Everyone said what could be said about not worrying, she will have boyfriends and yes, if he is already jealous, that's a dead give away that you have no reason to worry.

    I wanted to come at this from a different perspective because you had mentioned about college. You said between finances and her grades she probably wouldn't go. I wanted to let you know that NEITHER is a reason she couldn't or shouldn't go! There are ways for her to get to college IF she wants to go. She needs to start getting on board now though if that is the direction she wants to take. She needs to start (or you too) researching scholarships and applying for them. There is literally a TON out there just for the taking it just takes work in getting them. Especially since she is mixed race, which will give her even more opportunities then you could realize! Not only that but there are even more specialized ones like does she have any disabilities? How about a particular interest or pursuit in career goal or hobby? Then of course there is financial aid and grants. Seriously, where there is a will there is a way to get to school but it does take serious commitment, time, effort, and energy. IT CAN BE DONE!! Question is, does she want it and how bad??? ;)
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I dont know how to check this...but I used to subscribe to a publication put out of CA by kids who were bi-racial/mixed....it was sooo good and became a business so I wonder if it is still around...IT focused on transracial adoption and birth mixed race kids....

    Anyway, when I adopted Q it was before the last census...they said that according to the census, the majority of children born by 2000 will be of mixed ethnicity. They were discussing the political implications of that in 20 years. It was very interesting.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jumper may not be able to get into a four year school. And our two year schools are pretty...you guessed it...white. It doesn't bother her, mind you. It's just MY fear :)
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MWM... Remember that culturally, Jumper IS "white" - it's what she has grown up in. And yes, this sort of ties into the whole nature/nurture debate, but in terms of "fitting in"... culture is more of a marker than skin color.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC, it's what boys are attracted to and whether or not their parents are ok with it. Most are. And Jumper is a pretty girl. I guess I'll have to see. J. was an unlikely boyfriend...a farmer's kid who grew up in a very isolated area. There have to be others like him.

    However there is a HUGE difference between a white guy dating an asian girl (it is very common and accepted at least here) or Native American (same) or hispanic (pretty much the same) and somebody who is partly black. The girls LOVE the black guys. They have no problems. Funny how that works.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would not worry. I live in an area that is very surprisingly culturally diverse due to the university (big agricultural school with many many students from other countries. we are not so well known here, but we are a major school in many parts of the world that have ag problems). I m sure there are those in our town who are biases, but mostly it is not a big deal here to see people of different races/colors/countries who are dating.

    There isn't much you can do about it if there is a problem. Has Jumper had trouble with making friends due to her race? If she hasn't, then chances are she won't have too many problems dating.

    My parents have neighbors who are a mixed race couple with 2 amazingly, astoundingly beautiful daughters. Neither of their daus EVER lacked for male attention, even though the younger one was quite shy. I babysat these girls, and their mom babysat Wiz when he couldn't go to daycare while I ws in college (his immune system couldn't handle the germs and he stopped growing and developing because he was always so sick.). The girls were in elem school and even then had boys interested in them!

    Given how beautiful Jumper is, both on the surface and deep down, I do NOT predict major problems for her. She may have some issues, but I bet there will be guys jumping t the chance to date her (pun intended, lol! - just to make you smile!)
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You know that I'm always on your team. on the other hand I hope that she will continue to focus on her girlfriends and her sports and the flurry of activities that make her so darn much fun to be around. in my humble opinion it is usually best to take a break from dating following a breakup. When the time is right, someone will pop up as a potential companion. Meanwhile she does not need a guy of any racial background to help her mature. She's a sharp kiddo. Hugs DDD