mog, I'm not sure of your difficult child's history or your family story. I just wanted to tell you that I felt it sad to see you typed you had gratitude that others can see that it isn't YOU. Please believe me when I say, with people well versed in the games some difficult child's play, (caseworkers, theraputic foster parents etc) you are in the company of people who understand that love and positive parenting does not gaurantee a stable, well behaved child. Please don't allow yourself to be shaddowed with a belief that your difficult child's behaviours and choices are a reflection of the parent that you are. That is a untruth that burdens you with an unfair blame and shame feeling that you didn't earn.
I hope that wherever your difficult child ends up, he grows enough in himself to accept the help that is out there for him to learn to make good choices and how to adapt his behaviours and reactions etc to walk a straigher and happier path.
If he does end up in a distant placement, it surely will be difficult. It sounds like it would do your difficult child some good to recognize it is HIS choices that lead him to be so physically distant if it comes to that. I don't know if it will help you emotionally, but my difficult child at 12 years old, after a 3 month stay in theraputic foster care where he came home and honeymooned before going out of control again, ended up moving with his biodad. A 2 hour drive away and I don't own a car. In a year period I was able to spend one single day with difficult child, he had to travel here since I couldn't go to him. That was, for my difficult child, the entire basis for radical changes in his attitude, views, behaviours and choices.
He had a real taste of "the grass isn't greener on the other side". He had a chance to actually long term miss being home. He had a chance finally to realize that when he rejected my parenting, he rejected himself as well. He learned to miss my parenting, as opposed to resenting it.
When he came home, I swear I never believed he could be the same kid. 4 years later, he is now 16 years old. he is talking about University. He is attending school daily and doing homework. He still hates high school but he doesn't complain and gets it done. he has learned to see it as a means to an end. He tells me he loves me. He can laugh at "the old difficult child" that he can't believe he was. He is respectful and he values home, our values, our involvement. He is finally kind to his younger sister. He no longer tells tall tales to make himself seem larger than life. He is honest when messes up. He has learned the words "I'm sorry" and to not say them unless he means them. He has learned that to apologize means to work to not repeat whatever behaviour lead to the apology.
I honestly never saw this change coming. I spent so many years traumatized by the life going on in my home due to his choices. I pictured being the mother posting here about my son in prison, making babies with many women and not working, not supporting children. I pictured so much and none of it was good. None of it resembles the son living happily under this roof now.
All that said, I really wanted to just shed some hope for you. We can't know what is ahead for our difficult child's. But sometimes, the hard decisions such as a placement far away from us, turns out a blessing in disguise. Maybe its a fresh start for him, new friends, new school, new daily routines that he has no choice but to comply with etc. Maybe. Just maybe.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well as your difficult child.
Remember: His choices, His consequences!