Without Words

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Without Words, Jan 22, 2018.

  1. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

    My adult son comitted fraud and stole a large amount of money from the sale of my mother's car when he came to help me days before she died. He has disappeared and left me to explain to both family and non family members about the theft. I am being accused of allowing this thievery. He has repeatedly left me facing the consequences of his deceiftful behavior around money. We have lived in seperate states and with many years of alanon under my belt I thought some of this was behind us. Clearly in the midst of grief and sheer chaos during the difficult passing of my mother my son took this opportunity to cash in.
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    How awful that he did that.

    I’m very very sorry. I think most parents want simply for their kids to grow up to be good people. And I’m not saying at all that your son is a bad person. Just acknowledging the shame that can come when it was a parent’s intention and every effort poured into it, and it’s not being realized.

    But, if you can, please refuse to accept that shame.

    This :censored2: is not yours.

    If he was being who you raised him to be, you wouldn’t be here.

    Be proud of what you’ve already done for him. And hope for better decisions in the future.
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry for this heavy load of blame bro laid at your feet at a time of grief. I feel for you. Our sone has stolen large sums of money from us and I know how that makes me feel.

    Stick to your instincts and know why other people think about you is none of your business. You didn’t steal this money he did.

    Sending a warm hug.
  4. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

  5. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

    Thank you I appreciate your words
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi WW and welcome to our little corner. First of all, I am so sorry for your mother’s illness and passing. It is hard enough to deal with this unfathomable grief and on top of that, deceit on your sons part in “helping” you. I can only guess since you mentioned al anon and that you are posting here that you have been dealing with his addiction. I am sorry for your aching heart.
    It is a sad fact that our d cs are unpredictable and predatory. I am sorry your family does not understand this. D cs are cunning and manipulative. Cash equals drugs or alcohol which is the main driver of the bus. Of course, you know this. We all do. It is still shocking to have one of our own behave in such a way and leave us with the after effects. We never see it coming.
    Even after years of dealing with two addicted d cs, I am still appalled by their lack of trustworthiness and irreprehensible, drug driven choices.
    If you stay with us and post, which is very helpful to work through the shockwaves of this ongoing battle, it would help if you add a signature so that we have a bit of understanding of your story. For me, CD has been a way to connect with other parents who have travelled this road and know the perils and heartache. Posting helps to get it out of my system.
    I am so sorry for this double grief you are going through. It must have taken a huge leap of faith to have your son “help” you in the first place. It is a slap in the face on top of everything you are already dealing with, then to have your family accuse you of complicity is another blow.
    Know that you are not alone. Many of us have been through similar outrageous, completely unacceptable, disrespectful behaviors with our d cs.
    It is not your fault. Do not put blame on yourself.
    Please be kind to yourself and take time to breathe and strengthen yourself.
    If you have faith in a higher power, pray. If not take time to meditate. Lean on what you learned from al anon. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    The loss of a parent is a very difficult thing. I wish you peace during this time, and a way to get through the grief and added drama.
    So sorry for recent happenings in your life, and for your need to be here. Welcome WW. Loving hugs of understanding go out to you.
  7. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

    Thank you for your words (what is a signature). This is still all very raw her passing was in December I had been in the hospital with her 17 days. Her passing was a tornado for my siblings who showed while she was in her last days of hospice and ransacked her house. The day after my mother died my father in law died unexpectedly at home. We are reeling and now I just find out Friday about the theft I have been almost unable to breathe.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome and so sorry you are here.

    Terrible to lose your mother and then have your son do this to you. Have you thought about reporting it to the police? I'm saying this because so many times we let things go when we really need to make them accountable for their actions.

    We are all guilty of looking the other way at times because it's all more than we can bear but maybe now is the time to let him see that you are no longer going to be a silent victim.

  9. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    If you go onto your profile page you will see tabs. Select "information". Under that is the signature area where you can write what info you choose. This is the info you see under some members posts that give a brief synopsis of our family. CD is a public site, so we don't use real names to protect our identities.
    Oh no. I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I have heard of this more often than not. Sadly, for some families, a parents passing becomes a "free for all" more related to a game show than a dignified mourning period. I am glad Mom had a will and an executor (reminder to self). What a mess for you. I can't even imagine what my two would be capable of in their using state of mind. UGH.

    Oh, WW, you have been hit hard. I am so sorry. First off, I understand the feeling of not being able to breathe. I hope there is someone you can confide in, if not, would you be able to seek counseling? Oftentimes, being able to have face to face conversation with another understanding person is helpful. This stuff is over the top, life shaking.
    My dear hubs passed nearly two years ago after a third bout with sepsis. Those were some harrowing years of in and out of the hospital. The craziness with my two carried on throughout the ordeal. Drama ensued the night of spreading his ashes. I had hoped that his passing would be a pivot point, but alas, it was not to be.
    I was having bouts of breathlessness that felt like an asthma attack of some sort. Especially when I was resting, or trying to. I found out through research that it is a symptom of anxiety, and who wouldn't be anxious with all that entails losing a loved one, and dealing with consequences of d cs choices? Where do we find respite and peace?
    I hope you are able to take some time off from work, to sort through your feelings.
    I needed time to cry, to pray, to gather myself together, and to fall apart when I needed to.
    I am so sorry for your troubles, WW.
    I am glad you have found this site. I don't think there is anything we could post that would shock folks here, for the most part, we have all been through the wringer, and felt the reeling you write of. None of us are experts, just regular people who have been through some horribly tough stuff. Take what is useful to you, and leave the rest.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    One thing that is certain, you matter.
    Be very kind and gentle with yourself, and make time to sort through your feelings.
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  11. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

    It was a huge leap of faith I wanted to believe the best was coming out of our relationship. The betrayal is beyond comprehension because of the absolute disregard for what I would have to face. His act has felt like such a violation at my most exposed and vulnerable point.
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  12. Without Words

    Without Words New Member

    Many thanks to all of you who have reached out. I have a therapist and I am very proactive towards my self care. The gravity of events that I have experienced in the last 45 days has taken its toll on my soul but not my faith. I believe that I can and will recover and hopefully move on. My adult children are unstable in their addictions and behavior and therefore toxic to my overall wellbeing. I am grieved as my adult children entering their 30's remain fixed on taking advantage of one of the most difficult times would behave as predators.
  13. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    WW - so sorry to hear your about your loss and he behavior of your son at already such a difficult time. Keep coming for support and I am so happy to read the comment "I am very proactive towards my self care". That is amazing.

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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    WW, I am glad you have a therapist and are focused on self care. This is so important for anybody to be able to survive whatever comes along in this life.
    It is a sad thing indeed, and unfortunately out of our control. You are not alone with the insidious difficulties of this. I have two wayward adult daughters who have used our family connections to exhaustion. I am so sorry you have been taken advantage of at a time filled with sorrow.
    The choices and timing of it all can rip us apart.
    Please continue to take good care of yourself as you walk through the grief and loss of your mom and father in law.
    Warm hugs to you.