Okay kid - here's the deal.
EVENTUALLY your older sisters people- will not be there to kick your crumpets. So, we are training and teaching you now. I have about the thickest head ever. I bet I could have at one time pounded 16 penny nails into a board with one whack of my head. That thick. I would ALSO listen to MY MOTHER (and at that time I think I refered to her as QUEEN OF THE KNOW IT ALLS) tell me the EXACT same thing - that I was being to accomodating to "those" people. To this day she refers to them as "those" people. The difference is; today I also refer to them as "those" people. And I stopped being accomodating years ago.
When I sat down and really really thought about my life and what I had done during the times that I kept hanging in there for the sake of my marriage and my brain would say things like "you took vows - sickness and in heaaalllllth." I stayed for those reasons. I stayed because I was honorable. I stayed because I LOVED him. I stayed because I figured that if I EVER EVER left him he would either commit suicide or die from a broken heart. I stayed because I didn't know how to make it on my own with a kid. I stayed because of my son needing a father (some figure there), i stayed because I did NOT want to mark the DIVORCED [ ] box on any paperwork. I stayed because I didn't want myself and my son to have different last names, i stayed because I thought he would see how much I had suffered and change, I stayed because I was afraid of him, I stayed because I didn't like the looks I got from his family (but I got those my whole marriage I was "goody 2 shoes") and I stayed because I figured if I left - God would be mad at me. I stayed because I was stubborn, I stayed because I wanted a marriage not a divorce, I stayed because I didnt' know how to get out. I stayed because I was in fear for my life.
Eventually
I left because I found out what the religious meaning being in sickness and in health meant in my vows. It does not now nor did it ever cover drug and alcohol addiction with any abuse (verbal, mental, physical). I left because I WAS honorable and in being such I could no longer tolerate the way I was not being honorable treating. I left because I had learned to loathe, despise and hate everything about him. I left because if he was going to commit suicide I didn't want my son to walk in and find him. I left because I figured literally living in a box was better than what I was putting myself and my son through, and I had smarts, I could get a job, I could be frugal. (I know own my own home). I left because my son didn't need a Father like he had to show him how to abuse women, animals his own mother and his wife. I wanted better role models for my son and if NO role model was to be our deal - then it was better than the one he had. I left because after being stabbed and kidnapped and nearly killed for the 10th time - I didn't care about marking the divorced box - it wasn't failure on my part - I'd just mark SINGLE [ ]. I left because at this point I didn't care if my last name was different than my sons - my name was already mudd according to my S2bx - I'd make a name for myself and my son. I left because I had suffered ENOUGH and so had my son. I left because fear no longer ruled my head - I was so afraid I knew I had to try to get away by running or stay and die. At least if I left - I had a chance of staying away and alive. I left because his family knew he was going to try to kill me and instead of stopping him - they took my son the McDonalds play place and a guilty relative stopped the whole mess after that i didn't care WHAT they looked like and amazingly when i did leave they all said "Best thing you could do is to leave - you're doing the right thing." (KISS MY PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE) I left because I made my peace with God through some Christian counselor that wasn't ANTI DIVORCE and actually listened to my horror filled life of 13 years and said GET OUT. He was a pastor. He said it one more time - GET OUT. I left because after being treated like I did - stubborn just didn't make me hang on anymore - smarts won out and I finally looked at myself and said "Dang girl you have a lot to offer -why are you with this looser?" You deserve so much more - even if you go get it ALL yourself. I left because despite wanting to be married - I did NOT HAVE A MARRIAGE - I had a relationship of control, slavery, abuse, mental anguish, physical torture, and complete insanity - not a marriage, a marriage is where two people agree to disagree and love each other, lift each other up, put each other first in all things.....I left because I didn't have ONE of those things. I left because I sought help at a local womens shelter denying ALL THE TIME that I needed their help or assistance - I really wasn't a DV person - I just had a tough marriage - you know - a little slap or broken bone or word. I left because I was in fear of my life. I stayed gone - because I found out that i am WORTH MORE than I got, GAVE more than I received, LOVED more than a woman could possibly love and eventually hated him.
This might seem extreme to your life, and by no means do I want you to compare your life to mine and say "Well gosh Star - MY life wasn't so bad." AMAZE - Your life with STBX IS that bad.
Already - you are starting to see the signs of what is yet to come.
You set up appointments to have him spend time wtih HIS children - and what did he do? Did he honor that? No.
He let his sons down - and will over and over. This is who he is. And I'm not speaking ill of persons who go to rebah or try to beat addiction. But I can not and never will give the "I coudn't even call my sons" excuse validity on the wagon or off. You may forget you have a parking ticket, you may forget your wife's birthday, you may even forget your own birthday - but you don't forget your kids. Rehab didn't change that - rehab wasn't FOR that. Rehab was for him to gain sobriety - not make excuses to his children that he can't see them, call them or return a call. The smallest of manners.
And that part of you that "still" cares and "always" will because he's the father of your sons - ask yourself HOW MUCH of a Father has he been for me to say ALWAYS? How much of himself has he applied to really making a go of repairing his marriage for you to say I still care? You still care - but maybe that is it - YOU care. So ask yourself to write down all the things that he SHOULD do as a husband and has not - and read that list and stay angry every time you want to whimpout and "still care" still worry - because sister i don't see him worrying about you and the boys - nope - you're at your moms (have a place to live) and have food, so you're covered, but that isn't your parents responsibility - THAT WAS HIS, and he failed, and now it's up to you - and you WILL NOT FAIL.
So stay angry - and when you're weak bend over 'cause we got boots! and a hug - Wish I were there for your hug too. I'm squishy. lol.