Worried grandmother

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Katehc, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    We have been estranged from our daughter for close to a year. She is 45 married and has one child. We have visitation with this child but it has been extremely rocky and iffy , if we were to get him due to the estrangement. I would converse wit my daughter via text only which ended badly for the most part. We had an ongoing , hands on relationship with this child since birth and both myself and my husband were there for his first of everything. Here's my worry. This child within the first 5 years of his life endured a years separation which was initiated by my daughter but had later reconciled. He endured the banishment of his grandmother which was initiated at the insistence of my daughter. My grandson has not seen her for 3 years but remarkably still remembers. He endured the banishment of his only uncle on his fathers side for 3 years initiated by his parents because he lived with his mother and fully supported her. He would come to my daughters house for dinner and report things that were said to his mother. He got caught punished and after 3 years is now visiting my grandson once monthly. Thus child has endured mine and my husbands relocation upon retirement an hours drive away and within 6 months of relocating we were also cast aside. Due to us going and unresolved childhood hurts caused by her father, and the intense dislike she gas for her father resulted in he had to seek therapy but would not have any contact with his grandson for 3 months. The Rif deepened which resulted in not being able to go to their house to visit him, not allowed to attend his Christmas concerts . The only contact we had after the three month period was over was by our choice one weekend a month. His other grandmothers estrangement was caused by the intense dislike between my daughter and her mother in law. My daughter felt she was disrespected resulting in grandmother was no longer welcome. This being her only grandchild went through desperation and despair and did a horrible thing not fully understanding the ramifications of reporting an I feel unwarranted charge against my daughter and her husband. It was a foolish and irresponsible thing to do but it resulted in barring her fro seeing her only grandchild. This is the history. My daughter disclosed that she took my grandchild to a physiologist because of behavioural issues. They discovered he was suffering the loss of his grandmother and had anxiety issues. The grandmother was unsuccessful in court to get visitation because grandparents do not have rights in thus province and because she hasn't had an ongoing relationship with thus child. The court ignored the fact that the child's parents had barred her from seeing him as punishment for her actions. She pleaded to have one hour supervised visits monthly. Answer was a flat no. This child had endured more chaos in his short life than most. If I step out if line , I get punished. And that word is used , resulting in my not seeing the child for our regular monthly visit. I try to contact her to rearrange , she won't answer my calls or texts. Her bed to punish is of the utmost importance. Now that tbe child is showing anxiety my daughters ranting I'm to blame because I moved, the other grandmother is to blame because of what she did, her father is to blame because in her mind he is so awful she refuses to have him around. She is too busy finding whom to blame and not trying to find some resolution. I pleaded the other grandmothers case to my daughter to allow her a visit , not for the grandmothers sake but for the sake of the child. Now I'm punished because I have been I say and quote I was disloyal to her. The child can see his other grandfather once a month and the uncle who has been reinstated sees him once monthly. I know. The child is hurting from the dysfunction but my daughter thinks she's doing nothing wrong and her husband fully. Supports her. What can be done.?
  2. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    I'm sorry, but I could not follow your story. I just now saw that Somewhere Out There addressed this with you in another very similar thread that you also started? [emoji17]
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2016
  3. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

  4. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    Yes I have two threads due to two issues that are related to one another. The first thread us regarding the difficulty I'm experiencing trying to sever ties with my daughter .this thread is regarding her son , my grandson who is now experiencing behavioural issues because of the ddisfunction outlined on this particular thread. I did thus to separate the two different issues that we are dealing with,
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry to say, but from the outside, based on what you have outlined it seems there is nothing you can do.

    Your daughter and her husband have been investigated, they have been to court and the result was negative to the extended family that is concerned. Unfortunately, your daughter holds all the cards. The only option you would appear to have is to stay in your grandson's life by virtue of playing by her rules.

    You know he needs as many loving extended family members in his life. I would do what I could to stay connected - even if it means never engaging with your daughter other than to see your grandson.


    P.S. Just for future reference, it is difficult for many people to follow a running post without paragraph breaks. It makes reading and comprehending easier when your eye and mind have a couple second pause between linked thoughts. You might want to edit the above post and include some breaks so folks can read it easier.
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As hard as it is to do, you either have to grovel and disrespect yourself to this daughter or find peace without grandchild. It is a world where adult children often estrange their parents for non reasons and this is supported by many therapists. It's scarily accepted amongst the crowd of kids younger than boomers. If you put "estranged parents of adult children support forum" in your favorite search engine, you will find lots of forums with other estranged and abused adult children and grands and many have excellent advice.

    I wish you good luck and stick around here too. We want to help and will if we can.
  7. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I really had a hard time reading through your post. It helps folks to use paragraphs, break up the post (sorry, it's just so hard on the eyes for some people).

    Your daughter wants to put the blame on everyone but herself. She wields power over seeing the grandchild. If you dare piss her off, you get denied visitation. Your quote, "If I step out of line, I get punished". Your daughter is toxic to you and others. Get the book "Stop walking on Eggshells". Your grandchild is the one being hurt in all of it- but not much you can do. Unfortunately this happens with parents with adult children have kids- they use them as pawns for power, control, lack of accountability, blame-fest.
  8. Healing heart

    Healing heart New Member

    It's very sad how many daughters use their kids as bargaining tools. One of the above post is right on point, you either have to play the game by walking on eggshells or just distance yourself.

    Thing is grandkids grow up and don't forget the things their parents do...my husband had a mother like that and resented her keeping him away from his dad and grandparents. It's the circle of life, now her daughter is estranged from her, he talks to her but doesn't go way and beyond.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Find peace in the not groveling, some of our kids like to see us unhappy and wanting. It's fun for them, don't go there, let her come to you. Kids can be very resilliant. She may see you aren't playing her game and grant you access. Or she may not, but don't be a pawn in this, the kids will come back to you. My own mother one day decided that we will never ever speak to my dads side of the family, EVER. Yeah, well, I knew their phone numbers...but my sister and brother were too little and never spoke to them again. (SAD). How ironic, my brother never spoke to my parents ever until the day he died. My sister never sees them, only I do, and my kids. My parents taught my siblings to do that, and then they did it right back to them.