Worst Fears Confirmed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HMBgal, Apr 20, 2018.

  1. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Happy Friday. I guess. Warning: loooooong. I just found my daughter, 42 year old mother to the children I'm raising, was arrested recently. She never told me, I found out when I paid her post office box fees and got her mail. She's been applying for various benefits, so there were a ton of notices about that, denials of benefits because of missed meetings, etc. Pretty consistent with the rest of her life. Hasn't worked more than a couple days anywhere in the last two years because she can't get anywhere on time. And now I know why for certain. A boyfriend, one of her typical, sketchy types, but sweet, called me and said she was using heavily and had run off to another guy (an old, equally sketchy boyfriend) in another state.

    I texted her (for the millionth time) and she actually responded. I told her I knew she was using, where she was, she was on own, I would take good care of the kids but that she has to climb out of her addiction on her own. I've been through it too many times with her and now it's her turn. But she didn't disclose the arrest at that point. I feel like I'm reliving the nightmare of days long gone (or so I thought). Her friends have been covering for her, too. I would ask her point blank if she was using and she said no with such a sincere face.

    So, she's horribly embarrassed and upset, crying, sleeping, depressed. The kids thankfully haven't asked why she hasn't talked or visited with them in a couple weeks now. But she has often gone 10 days or more not answering emails, texts, and phone calls. Then she would say she's going to do better, blah, blah, blah.

    My grandson (he is probably well known to some of you by now) had a horrible day at school, got triggered, took a swing at a teacher, etc. I went to pick him up from school and he asked to call his mom. I said of course he could. No answer. There never is. Then he sent a sweet text that he had a rough day at school and he could really use her help. Crickets, didn't respond. My perfect (I'm pretty sure she's as close as it gets) granddaughter sent a text right before that asking if they were going to get to see her and that she loved her. Crickets. And the father hasn't called but twice in 4 months.

    I mean, what the blank is that??? I have to detach. My daughter is now homeless, we paid to get the registration on her car, paid off parking tickets (San Francisco, it's a real issue) and the insurance on the car current--$4,000! And now the insurance is due again, she's got more parking tickets, and a moving violation, and we can't pay it, and neither can she. So she will probably be car-less as well. So not sure how she will even get a job. I have no idea how this will end. Her friends are afraid she's going to die. And so am I.

    The good news is that we found a great psychiatrist for my grandson, which is REALLY good news. We did the DNA testing today for drug interactions, have a bunch of appointments set up and now if the father can keep his job (he's been fired three time in the last years, so continuity of care has been a big problem), maybe this can be productive. As far as how to deal with any of this with her children, I have no flipping idea. I'm too old for this bleep.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    So sorry things are so difficult for you right now. That is good that you found a good psychiatrist that might be the thing that makes the difference. Is the car in your name? If so I would take it so that if she is using and driving you won't have to face financial consequences. Either put it in her name or take it because you could get sued if she hurts someone or their property. I had a friend who got in trouble with the law because she knowingly let her son drive without a licence in her car. I hope you find the answers you need for your grandson.
  3. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    No, the car is in her name. Her father sold his house and bought her a really pretty brand new Prius. She's already had two accidents in it. I fear the law will end up owning it, which is so sad.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh HMB, I am so sorry for your heartache. It all sounds so familiar to me, similar scenario to my two, with the exception that I have no idea of their whereabouts or recent activity. Three grands are with paternal grandparents while their parents are off “finding themselves”.
    Poor kids, they don’t deserve to be caught up in this mess.
    I feel for you dear. I am glad that you are progressing with answers for your grandson.
    I can’t imagine what goes through their hearts and minds with parents off the rails.
    Hang in there dear sister. Keep working on strengthening yourself and disentangling from your daughters choices and consequences.
    It is a rough ride.
    My heart goes out to you.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Do the children have state health insurance? I ask because you mentioned the dads work history and hope grandson has "continuity of care". Do you have legal custody of the children?

    Such a tough situation for them and you. Ksm
  6. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    No, we don't have legal custody. It would be a big court mess with the father, I'm sure, and I haven't wanted to do down that road with my daughter. If their father loses his job again (which with his personality, he will), we may have to look at that. He hasn't paid the child support pittance he is supposed to in months now ($400 a month for both), nor has he paid one dime toward anything for them for a long, long, and he had the nerve to to deduct the kids off his taxes. He has one other child from his new wife, and she has three of her own kids and they all live in Chicago now. I often wonder what the kids think about all those other kids living with their father, but not them. It's for the best as grandson doesn't NOT get along with his father or step-mother at all.
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I agree with KSM would it be possible to catch your daughter in a lucid moment and take her down to sign them up for CHIP or whatever it is in your area. My ex daughter in law uses it and it is very good.
  8. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I have a stack of her mail that shows that she was denied because she never showed up for meetings, provided necessary documentation, etc. She's such a mess.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    WOW, you sure do have a full plate! I'm so sorry for all your daughter has put you through. I hope she realizes how lucky she is that you are taking care of her children.

    Detaching is the only way you will be able to move on. It doesn't mean you stop loving her. Accepting that you have no power or control over how she chooses to live her life is sad, but also very freeing and a healthy thing for you to do.

    One of the hardest things I ever did was accept the fact that my son could die from his life style choices and that I may never even know. Accepting it freed me. I no longer worried and wondered all the time where he was, what was he doing, was he eating, where was he sleeping, etc.........

    I understand you don't have legal custody of your grands but you may want to at least get a power of attorney in case they need medical care.

    Sending you warm hugs and good thoughts
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry to hear this.

    Prayers to you for your strength. Glad your grandkids have you. I think your daughter really has to hit rock bottom to want to change. No car, nothing.

    It's hard to watch. Take care of YOU.

  11. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I'm still here and thank you for you thoughts and advice, daughter is still off wherever she is (neighboring state), no contact with the kids. And they haven't even asked. I find that disturbing and sad. I've given them casual openings to perhaps ask where she is, why she hasn't spoken to them in two weeks--and no questions. I feel like they must have feelings about this, questions in their minds when their school buddies talk about their parents, etc.

    hate to see anyone hitting bottom because of my fear that they can't climb up again. I know there are "experts" that disagree with the hitting bottom thing, and I guess it's different for different people. But I know I can't fix this by paying for everything, getting another lawyer, etc. At least in our state, her drug possession arrest is a misdemeanor. She had her first arrest (in 2001) expunged so she could work in her healthcare job, but that may be history, too. Although she hasn't been able to work for over two years now. Sigh. I'm tired.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi HMB

    Your grandkids may be in the process of transferring their “mother” expectations to you. You are the one acting as their mother now. Maybe they just want to stop expecting things and being disappointed.

    Sounds like they may have already done that with bio-dad.

    Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I agree about the rock bottom label but what that really means to ME is whatever that place/thing is that makes THEM so sick and tired of living the way THEY are living that THEY want to change.

    It seems anything WE do as loving mothers to shield them from that only prolongs the inevitable. I know it did with our son and many others here have said the same.

    That is the only thing that truly works. THEY have to want it for themselves. It doesn't matter how hard any of us want that for them.

    My thinking is all that we can do is to educate ourselves on the disease of addiction so WE know how to act so that we do not enable them.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HMBgal, just want you to know I'm reading along and sending hugs and caring thoughts.....you're in a tough spot.....make sure you take care of yourself too....we can only do what our hearts can bear.....
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My grands are with their paternal grandparents. My daughter is M.I.A., this August will make one year since she disappeared after I would not support her dramatic plea to grab her kids and their stuff from the grandparents, and she would "go to a shelter". That was hard, but I realized that she was unstable and the kids had enough of moving around going from place to place, while their bio parents tried to "figure life out". The kids were cash cows for the EBT.
    Their Aunty said that no one has turned my daughter in, because they "didn't want anyone to get into trouble." I told her that both parents are already deep in trouble, under the powerful grip of meth and whatever else they are using.
    It is my daughters decision to continue to use the EBT, while the grandparents raise her kids and foot the bill. This meant they went without health insurance for a long time. Only now, have the grandparents begun to set things straight. I can't help but think that if my daughter has to face the consequences for this, what amounts to fraud, maybe, just maybe, she will wake up to her reality.
    I don't think we can, or should, try to shield our adult children from the consequences of their actions. It only prolongs their wrong thinking and doing, makes it infinitely more difficult for everyone around them, especially the grandkids. My grands are to the point where they do not want to talk about their parents. I wish they would get them into counseling, because there has to be emotional repercussions from being abandoned by both parents.
    I have no control over whether they will get counseling.
    So, I continue to pray for all of them.
    I am so sorry HMB for all of your troubles.
    My grands Aunty explained to me that her father went down to the welfare office and explained that they had the kids and are now in the process of getting the help they need. It was not difficult and they did not have to have the bio parents sign off on anything. She wondered if the agency is aware of how hard this is for grandparents and have made the process easier for the kids sake? I don't know how it is in your State, but maybe worth a try?
    I hope you are able to get some rest and "me" time. Super important.
    Much peace to you as you navigate these rough waters.
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