“on the verge of giving up” plan backfired- totally!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by L3dean, Nov 13, 2008.

  1. L3dean

    L3dean New Member

    Update (venting)… AAaarrrggghhh! Ok, so I sent in a letter to everyone involved with this case and told them that a single parent could not possible accomplish everything they wanted me to do- I am already overloaded with just dealing with work, and the other difficult child’s problems, yada-yada, so they can go ahead and find a placement for difficult child 3.

    Well- by golly – I got some action… ‘they’ (the agency handling the SRS case) informed the doctor who was doing my level 3 psychological evaluation (required by same agency) prior to the test being done and I ended up with a 16 page diagnosis and recommendations to get all of my “advanced and multi-phased neuroses” fixed before I would be allowed to even visit with my son again (there’s obviously nothing wrong with the kid – of course). I gave an (explanation) response to the doctors’ evaluation – point by point – to the agency and asked about a “second independent – unbiased” interview to be done. The agency said I had to let them talk to the second doctor before the second test – that was their standard policy!

    So much for the unbiased test to dispute the first doctors’ contaminated interview!! and my attorney now has gotten cold feet!

    So I apologized for my exasperated behavior and printed off and delivered all the court journals, emails, school meetings, probation correspondence, etc. all the way back to 1989 of the families’ crises history (and how I handled them)- only to be told that THEY were not going to further engage in this line of arguments. Was I going to cooperate with the doctors recommend treatment plan or not? Then I find out that rookie CW is no longer with the agency- but I am still left dealing with the aftermath of her sabotaging my competency as a parent.

    How am I supposed handle this now??
  2. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I am so distressed for you. I hope that...for a moment you do give yourself the gift of
    "giving up"...put the whole burden down....just let your mind and emotions and your
    thoughts rest 100%. I am a single Mom too and you do have to take care of yourself
    first. Especially when dealing with well meaning but over worked personnel in systems. Maybe you do this sort of thing anyway...set a timer on the stove or on your cell and drop all the burden of this (it is not going to go away, or anything)..
    Our children are the most important people we know...take care of yourself to be there for them
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As hard as it is, I actually believe that the best you can do is to go along with them, act like you understand (even though they have no idea what they are talking about) and stop trying to fight them. From what I know, that only makes things worse. Attorneys can rarely overturn social services, which is a government agency. It is very difficult to fight them. We've been through the horror of social services and learned it was best to go along with the madness. They get very upset if you don't "admit" you have problems and need help (even if you dont). THere is a website for parents wrongly accused of abuse by social services. In fact, there are many. Here are two of them. Just put "False Child Abuse Allegations" in your search engine. (((Hugs)))
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2008
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    They do love to put the burden on the parents whenever possible. It makes things easier for them. Sadly, I agree with MWM -- follow their program as much as possible. Show that your "neuroses" are under control. Go to any parenting classes/therapy they recommend -- at least they'll be paying for them. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to help another parent just starting down the road of parenting children such as ours.

    Sometimes you get lucky and get a good CW. I went through 3 before I found my lifeline. The first one recommended that the adoption be disrupted and that I was undiagnosed BiPolar (BP). I wasn't but she decided I had to be because I dared tell her she didn't know her head from her rear when she told me all my daughter needed was to be loved. I had to go to the head of CPS to get switched. The second one was just a complete and total witch. Sadly for her but fortunately for me, she got breast cancer and had to sign her cases over to my lifeline, who is now one of my best friends. She not only understood, she had a son who was very much like my daughter. She helped me find a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC), helped me get some funding (still cost me over $150K but at least some of it was covered), got me Medicare for my daughter, etc. Sometimes you really can get lucky. Hope this happens to you. At least changing of CWs is pretty common. However, until you get a new one who might or might not be better, you really do have to jump through their hoops in order to get help for your child. Stinks, but that's the way it is.
  5. L3dean

    L3dean New Member

    I don't think I should have to allow them to pass off this wild pack of lies about me as the gospel truth... I am trying to get them to stop wasting time focusing on my 'imaginary' problems and get them to put the HELP where it belongs - finding out what is really wrong with my kid - if anything- and how to help him function properly in the adult world= and the clock is ticking faster now- difficult child 3 turns 16 in 1 week.

    and I kind of figured out that I will have to do what they say anyway- I have already met with CW, supervisor, and GAL to get them to find a more relevant parenting class so I don't have to just retake everything I have already tried.

    And I have promised to go back to individual counseling on the provision that they tell me what they want me to address with the therapist, ("cause I still don't think I have done anything wrong in the way I have dealt with this child to date")

    Thank you all for your support... I realize I am still pouting about this = I have been starting to take sanity breaks lately (I thought I didn't have time before, but I guess I really need them now)doesn't get things accomplished any faster but it does help me to calm down some.

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. Actually, it sounds like you are in a more frustrating situation than I am and I am on the verge of giving up myself. Anyway, in my humble opinion, I think your best shot is to get yourself to a private individual counselor and tell her (definitely should be a female) exactly what you have told us here. If you have a counselor stating that your biggest problem is stress from all this, it might go a long way. Also, if you go on your own accord, before they court order you, it will go a long way.
  7. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I jsut wanted to give you ((HUGS))) I'm sorry they're putting you through all this.
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm glad you found this support group. We all feel your frustration and pain. Hang in there. Hugs, ML
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Arrg, what a mess.
    From what I've read, I think you're going to have to jump through their hoops. I was just thinking it might be kind of cool to be able to vent to a professional therapist, when I read the part where they were going to sign you up for parenting classes you've already taken. Ugh.
    I can only suggest that you agree, as you already seem to have agreed, to take classes that you have NOT taken before, and that you insist they put in writing the exact issues they think you should discuss in private therapy. I really like your idea on that one.
    I am so sorry for all you are going through.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    "Play the game" until you get a caseworker or therapist who understands your situation.

    Personally, when we ran into situations like this, it was easier & faster to go with the program ~ play their "game".

    As we got further into the system it became apparent to the CWs &
    SWs that it was the tweedles & their issues; CWs began to see the need for husband & I to get regular respite & in home help.

  11. L3dean

    L3dean New Member

    ok, now I am really mad - again! I just started up individual therapy again but the counselor told me she was not going to bother reading any of the history packet I provided - she was too busy to read that kind of background information on every patient... she wanted to stick to working on the incorrect diagnoses that the doctor portrayed for me.

    well- ok- I think I will just have to beat her at her own game... and up the ante

    I have scheduled 3 weekly appointments and intend to "sincerely" review my past actions (of course she will need to reference the history packet for this) for each of the innappropriate categories (behaviors, decisions, etc.) and ask her for new ideas to change or improve my parenting skills regarding the issues dictated by the doctor's report.

    Hmmm... lets see what she thinks of them apples!! *Just because they ARE beating me up doesn't mean I have to ACT powerless. Right?
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would just do what they asked and behave like I was contrite, no matter how I felt inside. They have control of your kids. Is this the court appointed doctor?
    I'd be verrrrrrrrrrry nice. As soon as the whole mess was over, then I'd leave the state. But I'd be very cooperative until I had my kids back and social services out of my life. They are extremely powerful and I wouldn't ruffle any feathers. JMO
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't blame you for being frustrated- I can't stand it when they do that either. I think it depends on the therapist, and what type of therapy they use. But, I would be very careful trying to play this with her/him in this situation. It sounds like you might have to just bite the bullet for a while.

    Ok, maybe if I couldn't just change to a therapist I liked and that used a different modality (correct word??), I might not answer questions thoroughly and if the therapist asked why, I'd say I didn't want to waste their time since I'd already provided them that info in writing. I can see myself doing that.... when my son's gal acted like she needed more info from me and that SHE was the one that would be providing the most respected recommendations to the court, I bombarded her with faxes of info on difficult child and his treatment and bipolar, etc. Then, I testified in court about things she knew nothing about and when asked why, I said it was because she never asked and gave me no opportunity to have a discussion with her about the real facts in my house but I felt the court needed to know. The gal asked to be withdrawn after that.

    Getting back to you, just try to bite your tongue and proceed cautiously- I know it's hard. Try to find a way to use this to your advantage and not give them any ammunition to use against you.
  14. L3dean

    L3dean New Member

    Ok - now what??

    I took your advice and was extremely nice- I admitted that IF you take the most recent situations and only looked at them as a "first incident" my behavior would seem to be inappropriate and excessive... and that i do have problems *because of the past situations* ... and I even drew up a bank of questions I wanted to use to review the history packet to find out just where I went wrong with difficult child 3...

    How have I not been committed to parenting?
    How have I not been making sound judgments and decisions?
    How have I not put my children's needs before my own?
    How have I not been an advocate for my son's needs?
    What has affected my job stability?
    What has affected my relationship stability?
    How have I not demonstrated appropriate discipline and guidance?
    What type of discipline is effective for this child that I have not already tried?
    Why do I currently have a low frustration tolerance?
    How has my mood and behavior been effected by prolonged and constant stress?
    How have I not managed my stress and behavior appropriately?
    How have I not been accountable for my actions?
    How do I not communicate appropriately?
    How have I not managed my anger appropriately?

    the therapist now informs me that I should not have scheduled 3 appointment in 2 weeks- she wanted to have appointments open for people that have a "real need"- furthermore- she still refuses to look at the history packet and now doesn't even want to bother with the questions (therapy goals) either... she claims I am argumentative and defensive when I tried to get her to see things from my perspective (i.e. include the past as a reason I don't have any more patience; that I finally got to the point of being firm with boundaries, consequences, etc., find out what I did that was not the correct thing to do... and so on)

    so what do i do now?