firedancermom
New Member
This is my first post - but want to THANK YOU ALL since many of you unknowingly helped me in a time of crisis last night. I was faltering on a stance I've taken with my older son, and googled some long sentence about the issues I'm having with him just to see what would come up. This post did:
http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...pressed-son-refuses-help.56358/#axzz3W0QijJQL
I google everything. Have been doing so specific to my son for years and have never come across something so relevant, with responses to the OP that were so helpful to me. I was literally talking to my computer screen last nigh. "Yes!!" "These people get it!" lol
In any event. I could write pages but am going to try my best to keep it simple/short. The first thing I did after becoming a member today was to save the Detachment Article into a Word document. SO helpful. I know that detaching is right, but it is so very hard when I am getting text message barraged by my son, and reading the article helps uncomplicate my brain. Know I will refer to it often to help me think clearly again.
Issue at hand: My older son will be 19 in May. After years of being on a slow decline, and being raised in a home where his parents didn't get along very often, and his dad was verbally abusive to his mom (me) and him being a "sensitive" child, who would bravely stand up to his dad and tell him to stop calling me names, in May of 2013 I finally left his father. This took me so long because I stayed home when my kids were young, had to get financially secure, and I was TERRIFIED to leave. Another long story. What is relevant is that both of my sons went off the deep end after I left their dad and moved them and their sister into a great place.
It's probably also relevant to note that their dad had a total nervous breakdown after the separation, and is not currently a well-functioning adult. He does the bare minimum to survive.
2013 was a summer of lies, drugs, sneaking out, fights with me, and abusive behavior. Basically they turned right into their dad. I had mental health provisions in place for them prior to this for ADD and some depression issues but tried to ramp things up.
My older son (just gonna do OS from now on) decided it would be a great idea to show me how I could not control him - and stopped taking his Lexapro June of 2013. It had really helped him. Long story (again short and leaving out my younger son's story) by April 2014 he had dropped out of high school about 6 weeks before graduation. He also had lost his job in Fall 2013 and failed to get another one. He was smoking pot in my house, outside of my house, and I found another substance I haven't been able to ID. He was a mess.
I've been in counseling for nearly 20 years. With the help of my counselor developed some boundaries, and gave him an ultimatum to move out or get his HS Diploma/GED. After moving 1/2 of his things out, in September 2014 he ended up coming back and getting his GED within days.
I should also note that in the year+ at the "new house" I called the police on him 3 times. (they didn't care about the pot - and honestly I didn't use to care about pot that much until I saw what it did to him. His was also very potent). He had rages, punched holes in walls, walked around with a golf club in a threatening way, called me every name in the book but never actually hurt me. Was just afraid he would hurt me or himself.
With the help of my counselor decided on a second ultimatum. A job. He HAD to get one. He had briefly worked at a grocery store over the summer of 2014 and quit the job because he said they weren't paying him fairly. Let him know - you're in a Union - it's illegal to do that so if that's the issue talk to your Union rep and they'll handle it! Anyhow. I gave him plenty of notice, then put the hammer down with a typed note and gave it to him on a Monday, and gave him until Friday to just show me he'd applied somewhere or he had to leave.
We had a terrible fight. He left to meet his long time girlfriend. He had packed a bag. The fight was so bad I was adding a slide lock to the back door and had called ADT to change the security code and secret word. As I was installing the lock he threw himself on the glass door and was hysterically crying. Have not seen him cry for a looooong time. Since he was a small boy. His girlfriend had broken up with him (and his phone had broken). I said the wrong thing - mentioned it could be good for him - that since he'd dated her his life had been harder. Again, long story short, he ***trashed*** my basement, I took the dog and ran outside and called 911. Hung up. Then they called back. He took an entire bottle of my Xanax and about 1/3 of a Costco sized bottle of Tylenol plus a bottle of prescription Motrin. Then he took off.
Police swarmed my neighborhood, fire truck, ambulance, and more. When my OS took off he left the back door open and my dog was running loose. Just imagine the worst chaos. He went to the ER. My ex blamed me for separating from him and "breaking up the family" and asked if we could get back together as I sat in a chair in the ER waiting room while they stabilized him. Incredible. After hours of bradycardia with extremely low oxygen levels, BiPolar (BP) and heart rate and saying they may have to intubate him - but didn't because he extremities didn't get cold - he was then admitted to ICU and put on the Tylenol antidote. They said he was lucky he didn't go into liver failure and he wouldn't survive a second time of doing what he'd done.
After a couple of days with the antidote and needing to make sure the levels of it were flushed out of his system - they were originally going to discharge him. It's yet again another long story - but he's 18 and he told the hospital psychiatrist he was fine. ..... we live near a huge metropolitan area with world class facilities - and they were going to discharge someone with a rage filled suicide attempt because he said he was fine (?) The system is clearly broken. I created a situation where they were going to detain him if he didn't voluntarily go for an inpatient evaluation. Last minute he went on his own. Less than 48 hours later they discharged him. I was scared and not happy after doing SO much to get him seen - and really, for what.
While he was in the hospital I, along with my two other children, decided to move. Too many bad vibes in the house I had been so proud to be in. I rent. My landlord wasn't doing well, I was month to month, so found a place and moved January 1. I gave my OS an ultimatum to get a job, get counseling/treatment, or he couldn't move in with me.
So here I am. He, 3 months later, hasn't done that. He has slept on the floor of the room that his father rents for 3 months. It’s a small basement room of a townhouse and the landlords are kicking out my OS within days because the lease states only one person can live there and they're fed up. It’s about 9 x 12… His dad was supposed to move to a 2 br apartment but told me he, "isn’t ready." My OS is LOSING IT. Just losing it. He is so depressed. His sleep is all messed up. He hardly eats. My heart is breaking. He just wants to move in with me and tells me, “I’m your son, not your enemy.” “Help me.” And then when I stick to the ultimatum he tells me I’m effing stupid, he effing hates me, I’m a selfish **tch. And on.
I never thought I’d leave one of my children behind. I intellectually know I am doing what is right. I think? But emotionally it’s killing me and making my own depression nearly unmanageable but am trying. One step, one day, trying to be ok for my other son who lives with me and who I have in an in-home intervention due to his levels of depression and anxiety. It’s been so hard.
If you’re still reading at this point – you are awesome!! It is helpful to write all of this, even though I left a lot out – still so long. But it’s nice to know I’m among like-minded people in the sense that it seems we’ve all got similar situations we are dealing with//have dealt with.
If anyone has advice on not letting this nearly kill you on the inside that would be great. It makes me internally falter on my choices, but know it would be terrible if he lived with me at this point. So I am two sides of a coin nearly all of the time. (if you can't tell - I'm apparently a very good enabler)
http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...pressed-son-refuses-help.56358/#axzz3W0QijJQL
I google everything. Have been doing so specific to my son for years and have never come across something so relevant, with responses to the OP that were so helpful to me. I was literally talking to my computer screen last nigh. "Yes!!" "These people get it!" lol
In any event. I could write pages but am going to try my best to keep it simple/short. The first thing I did after becoming a member today was to save the Detachment Article into a Word document. SO helpful. I know that detaching is right, but it is so very hard when I am getting text message barraged by my son, and reading the article helps uncomplicate my brain. Know I will refer to it often to help me think clearly again.
Issue at hand: My older son will be 19 in May. After years of being on a slow decline, and being raised in a home where his parents didn't get along very often, and his dad was verbally abusive to his mom (me) and him being a "sensitive" child, who would bravely stand up to his dad and tell him to stop calling me names, in May of 2013 I finally left his father. This took me so long because I stayed home when my kids were young, had to get financially secure, and I was TERRIFIED to leave. Another long story. What is relevant is that both of my sons went off the deep end after I left their dad and moved them and their sister into a great place.
It's probably also relevant to note that their dad had a total nervous breakdown after the separation, and is not currently a well-functioning adult. He does the bare minimum to survive.
2013 was a summer of lies, drugs, sneaking out, fights with me, and abusive behavior. Basically they turned right into their dad. I had mental health provisions in place for them prior to this for ADD and some depression issues but tried to ramp things up.
My older son (just gonna do OS from now on) decided it would be a great idea to show me how I could not control him - and stopped taking his Lexapro June of 2013. It had really helped him. Long story (again short and leaving out my younger son's story) by April 2014 he had dropped out of high school about 6 weeks before graduation. He also had lost his job in Fall 2013 and failed to get another one. He was smoking pot in my house, outside of my house, and I found another substance I haven't been able to ID. He was a mess.
I've been in counseling for nearly 20 years. With the help of my counselor developed some boundaries, and gave him an ultimatum to move out or get his HS Diploma/GED. After moving 1/2 of his things out, in September 2014 he ended up coming back and getting his GED within days.
I should also note that in the year+ at the "new house" I called the police on him 3 times. (they didn't care about the pot - and honestly I didn't use to care about pot that much until I saw what it did to him. His was also very potent). He had rages, punched holes in walls, walked around with a golf club in a threatening way, called me every name in the book but never actually hurt me. Was just afraid he would hurt me or himself.
With the help of my counselor decided on a second ultimatum. A job. He HAD to get one. He had briefly worked at a grocery store over the summer of 2014 and quit the job because he said they weren't paying him fairly. Let him know - you're in a Union - it's illegal to do that so if that's the issue talk to your Union rep and they'll handle it! Anyhow. I gave him plenty of notice, then put the hammer down with a typed note and gave it to him on a Monday, and gave him until Friday to just show me he'd applied somewhere or he had to leave.
We had a terrible fight. He left to meet his long time girlfriend. He had packed a bag. The fight was so bad I was adding a slide lock to the back door and had called ADT to change the security code and secret word. As I was installing the lock he threw himself on the glass door and was hysterically crying. Have not seen him cry for a looooong time. Since he was a small boy. His girlfriend had broken up with him (and his phone had broken). I said the wrong thing - mentioned it could be good for him - that since he'd dated her his life had been harder. Again, long story short, he ***trashed*** my basement, I took the dog and ran outside and called 911. Hung up. Then they called back. He took an entire bottle of my Xanax and about 1/3 of a Costco sized bottle of Tylenol plus a bottle of prescription Motrin. Then he took off.
Police swarmed my neighborhood, fire truck, ambulance, and more. When my OS took off he left the back door open and my dog was running loose. Just imagine the worst chaos. He went to the ER. My ex blamed me for separating from him and "breaking up the family" and asked if we could get back together as I sat in a chair in the ER waiting room while they stabilized him. Incredible. After hours of bradycardia with extremely low oxygen levels, BiPolar (BP) and heart rate and saying they may have to intubate him - but didn't because he extremities didn't get cold - he was then admitted to ICU and put on the Tylenol antidote. They said he was lucky he didn't go into liver failure and he wouldn't survive a second time of doing what he'd done.
After a couple of days with the antidote and needing to make sure the levels of it were flushed out of his system - they were originally going to discharge him. It's yet again another long story - but he's 18 and he told the hospital psychiatrist he was fine. ..... we live near a huge metropolitan area with world class facilities - and they were going to discharge someone with a rage filled suicide attempt because he said he was fine (?) The system is clearly broken. I created a situation where they were going to detain him if he didn't voluntarily go for an inpatient evaluation. Last minute he went on his own. Less than 48 hours later they discharged him. I was scared and not happy after doing SO much to get him seen - and really, for what.
While he was in the hospital I, along with my two other children, decided to move. Too many bad vibes in the house I had been so proud to be in. I rent. My landlord wasn't doing well, I was month to month, so found a place and moved January 1. I gave my OS an ultimatum to get a job, get counseling/treatment, or he couldn't move in with me.
So here I am. He, 3 months later, hasn't done that. He has slept on the floor of the room that his father rents for 3 months. It’s a small basement room of a townhouse and the landlords are kicking out my OS within days because the lease states only one person can live there and they're fed up. It’s about 9 x 12… His dad was supposed to move to a 2 br apartment but told me he, "isn’t ready." My OS is LOSING IT. Just losing it. He is so depressed. His sleep is all messed up. He hardly eats. My heart is breaking. He just wants to move in with me and tells me, “I’m your son, not your enemy.” “Help me.” And then when I stick to the ultimatum he tells me I’m effing stupid, he effing hates me, I’m a selfish **tch. And on.
I never thought I’d leave one of my children behind. I intellectually know I am doing what is right. I think? But emotionally it’s killing me and making my own depression nearly unmanageable but am trying. One step, one day, trying to be ok for my other son who lives with me and who I have in an in-home intervention due to his levels of depression and anxiety. It’s been so hard.
If you’re still reading at this point – you are awesome!! It is helpful to write all of this, even though I left a lot out – still so long. But it’s nice to know I’m among like-minded people in the sense that it seems we’ve all got similar situations we are dealing with//have dealt with.
If anyone has advice on not letting this nearly kill you on the inside that would be great. It makes me internally falter on my choices, but know it would be terrible if he lived with me at this point. So I am two sides of a coin nearly all of the time. (if you can't tell - I'm apparently a very good enabler)