3 years in Prison for Young difficult child...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Jan 25, 2012.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Finally back from our 13 hour roundtrip drive from Dallas to Amarillo and back again.
    I've had a few hours of sleep now and wanted to update you all on the situation.

    I guess, first off...I really want to say Thank You for all the prayers said on young difficult child's behalf. As we drove toward Amarillo and periodically stopped, I read your replies, and they truly helped put me in a peaceful place. You all are such a blessing.

    husband myself and daughter in law got to court at around 9:10am Wed morning. We sat directily behind young difficult child. I know he was so very happy to see the 3 of us there.
    Another young man was being sentenced while young difficult child awaited his turn. When it was finally time for young difficult child to go before the Judge he seemed very compossed and ready for the sentence to be read.
    Honestly, It was a little difficult for me to digest that my son was now pleading "Guilty" (as opposed to the Deffered Plea that he got 3 yrs ago) for "spitting at police". It was 2 charges of "Harrasement of a Public Servent" (spitting) that young difficult child was sentenced for...
    Yes, I know, there is more to the story. Young difficult child got another charge this past summer for hitting the windsheild of wifes car while the grandbabies were in the backseat. So that is why young difficult child was now found "Guilty" of the spitting charge...because the terms of his probation on the "spitting charge" had been revoked.

    At the end of sentencing the Baliff motioned for young difficult child to hug each of us Goodbye.
    I told young difficult child...I love you.

    daughter in law has been a wreck.
    She cried herself to sleep when we slept for 5 hrs in Amarillo before going to court. All I could do in the dark of the hotel room was to tell her...M everything will be okay.

    Young difficult child was able to call us while we drove back. I asked daughter in law to ask young difficult child what he wanted in regards to the grandbabies knowing his situation or seeing him. Young difficult child told daughter in law that he wanted to see his children.
    Neither husband or myself were pleased by this. We talked to daughter in law after she got off the phone about this being grandson's likely earliest memories (He just turned 4 in November) and that this would NOT be a good idea for the grandbabies to have to deal with...So far, daughter in law, has told the grandbabies that "Daddy is out of town".
    It would be different if Young difficult child was sentenced to 10 or 20 yrs in Prison.
    But the way the system works...Young difficult child could be out in 9 months as that will be when his first Parole Hearing takes place and his attorney told us that 40% of the time inmates get out at their first Parole Hearing.

    And...This is also apparently why young difficult child opted for straight incarceration at Tx Dept of Corrections prison system VS Prison Rehab. Young difficult child knew that he would be in Prison Rehab for at least 15 mths then on to a Halfway house then released...a time span longer than the time he will likely do by going into General Population regular prison.

    Unfortunately...This still leaves the question open. Will young difficult child turn to Alcohol again when he gets out in 9-15 mths??? When I spoke to him on the phone I gently reminded him that he "cannot drink" when he gets out.
    Of course I have said it all before...

    daughter in law has decided that she will find out what the baby she is carrying is. She had chosen not to "know" if baby was boy or girl but now with young difficult child headed to prison she said she wants to know. I think she will choose me to be in the delivery room with her this time. New baby is due 3rd week of May.

    Again...I just can't say enough "Thank You's" to all of you. You all have been such a loving comfort to me over this past week or more. What in the world would any of us do without this special place.

    Love to you all for caring,
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) What a very difficult road that you all are on.

    I do think daughter in law needs to think long and hard about taking the grandbabies to see him in prison. Part of me wonders if that might be a help to hitting his bottom, but of course this is a decision that daughter in law needs to make, with your support of course.

    I know your husband probably is not showing much, but inside he is hurting too. I am sorry that he is hurting and I hope that in time he will also heal.

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and prayers to all of you.
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    The "road" has never been easy...I don't think it is for any of us who have raised or been raised with addicts/alcoholics...you included, hugs.

    After I posted a short while ago, I read through a year a half of "notes" I took during my time at AA and Al Anon 5 plus yrs ago. How I needed to re-read it.
    I am reminded that Alcohol blots out consciousness and insanity takes over. That without G-d there is no help. This is "spiritual warfare". And, it is not between young difficult child and me.

    It is up to young difficult child to get to that place...that "bottom" and truly want help. He has to admit he is Powerless over Alcohol...that only the "G-d" (of his understanding) can restore him to sanity.
    Obviously, Insanity would be to take another drink when he gets out.

    I need to stay close to my Higher Power. I need to let young difficult child be G-ds business not mine. I will continue to pray that G-d will direct young difficult child's path. That is all I can do.
    My past "interference" in G-ds plan has not worked. Now he is a "big boy" and is being punished no longer by me or husband but by society. He has not lost his family "yet". His wife still loves him...His children still love him. So really he is very "lucky" if you will right now, in my opinion. Many addicts/alcoholics lose Everything before they seek "help".

    Thank you for your support Susie. You are a dear friend.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have no words of wisdom, LMS. Of course I had hoped for the treatment option naively hoping that he would have time for introspection, awareness and support. on the other hand, like you, I do know that the motivation truly has to come from the addict and can't be induced by others. It's taken alot of years to accept that as I wish it were not true.

    The experts say that emotional growth stops once addiction enters a teens life. They have so much catching up to do as young adults and it's stressful and tiresome to focus on each baby step toward maturity and self determination. It sounds as though his wife is a sweet and sensitive girl but it also sounds like she is quite immature also. Yikes...how many of us would even consider taking a four year old to a prison? Maybe in a novel but not in real life.

    I'm hoping that this year will somehow turn on the "lightbulb" for them both and they each can begin to think and act more like dependable young adults. Meanwhile my most sincere hope and prayer is that you will be able to focus on your independent life and find a new sense of joy in living. Hugs. DDD
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    LMS, I am glad it is settled at least, and my heart breaks for you and daughter in law and the babies. Praying this is "bottom" for young difficult child and that he pursues support once out. He clearly knows of and values your support, you gave him hope and a reason to do well.

    Thinking of you, Dee
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    ((Hugs)) just hugs. You are a good mom.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi LMS- you must be exhausted. I hope this situation is eventually the beginning of a new life for him.

    Your daughter in law is very lucky to have you and it sounds as though you have true affection for each other. I imagine she will be leaning on you greatly in the months ahead. I guess I would channel my attention into her. Does she attend al anon? I might concentrate on getting her to a good, strong , non enabling life so that she can take care of herself & her babies and break the cycle.

    Forgive me of I am overstepping. I too worry about her being immature and perhaps naive and the toll this is all taking on her & the kids. And I especially worry about you. You have a full plate and I am in awe of your grace under fire. {{{hugs}}}
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry LMS, I know this must have been heartbreaking for all of you. I truly hope that he finds help while in jail to deal with his drinking problem. I know you wish he had taken treatment and it does show that he may not be ready to face his real problem, but hopefully he will come to terms with some things while there.

  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    My heart is heavy today for you. There but by the grace of God go I.
  10. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Tammy, you really sound amazing. You are thinking so clearly, and are so in control of yourself. Your relationship with your daughter-in-law seems to be very good. You are very supportive of her, and I'm sure she will always treasure you being her mother-in-law. I am so sorry that this is the outcome. But now that it is, I hope that it will have the best possible results for all of you. I am praying for you all.

    Sending you a big hug,

    Love, Esther
  11. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I am thankful you are now at a point where you know what the circumstances are and can sort of 'restart' life. You sound like you are doing really really well...given the circumstances.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs, Tammy.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad that the sentencing is behind you and you can all start looking forward now. Your daughter in law is very lucky to have you for support.


  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks you all...

    Honestly, it caught up with me late yesterday afternoon as I lie in bed.
    I asked G-d to take me home. I am so very very tired of this life.

    I told husband of my "prayer" and he suggested I might need to see a councelor.
    I am not suicidal...just depressed.

    I did talk to young difficult child yesterday morning...Had a few mins left on a calling card connected with the detention center he is at until he is transported to prison. I told young difficult child that he needed to take a very hard honest look at himself during this time and see how alcohol has affected his life.
    He asked me why I was being so "pessimistic" and he tried to remind me that he was doing "nothing wrong when he got picked up by police in December...that he was just changing a license plate with friends in front of our house. (neighbors called police cause they thought it "suspicious activity" and when police got to the house and checked out all the young men they found that young difficult child had a warrant for his arrest for the Probation Violation in Amarillo).
    He just wasn't connecting the dots at all.

    I told him I only had a few mins left on the calling card and that he should call back if there was something really important to share with me.

    It's ironic...That oldest difficult child was sentenced to Prison Rehab when he had to do "time" for theft due to Meth involvement yrs ago and that young difficult child will be doing "hard time" in regular prison for "spitting at police" and hitting windsheild of wifes car.

    husband reminded me that it was young difficult child's choice to do this "hard time" vs Treatment program.
    Young difficult child's lawyer told us after the sentencing in the hallway that she did not think young difficult child was ready for treatment option. Obviously not...All he can think of is the shortest route to getting his freedom back and "being with his family".

    I am okay at this moment.
    daughter in law and I have plans to go to the Casino tonight...not that It will help relieve the current situation. Really I should check out an Al Anon meeting for the two of us to go to First before heading to any Casino!

    Thank you all for listening and being here for me.
    I'll be allright.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    I hope you had some fun tonight and at least felt some distraction. I also hope you find an alanon meeting thatnis helpful. My hope is that the time in prison without his family will make young difficult child think about what got him there...he may not be ready to think about it now but that may change after some time in prison.

    And it might be better in the long run for him to wait for rehab until he is really ready. My experience so far is showing rehab only helps so much, but doesnt really if they are not commited themselves to it.

  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending very caring thoughts your way. I understand the post crisis collapse. We gather all our strength to weather the latest storm and when it's temporarily passed the body, brain and heart go into ptsd mode. The challenges have been back to back to back for over ten years. Each one drains the loving parent often more than it does the difficult child. Obviously your difficult child is coasting along anticipating when he can regain the life he has to temporarily leave behind. I really doubt he is at all concerned about the future...but you are. It is taking an unhealthy toll on your lifestyle.

    I truly believe that you need to find one support group where you are comfortable and then force yourself to participate on a weekly basis at least. Your comfort level will improve when you are not walking in Cold Turkey surrounded by strangers. It may take awhile to find "the" group but once you do I believe that attending may bring you comfort and support. Yes, I know, you lead an isolated life like many of us with addicts do. You are more comfortable in your home than out in the world. But this time you really need a pattern of support and there is a commonality found in meetings that can not be accessed with-o regular attendance. Remember that "do as I do is alot more powerful than do as I say".

    My concern for you is sincere. All the dedicated love you provide your family has not solved the problems. in my humble opinion it is time to make yourself find support. Use your personal faith as a resource to find the strength "to change the things you can"....and right now....that is you, my friend. Hugs. DDD
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks TL and DDD...

    I will try and find a support group this weekend.
    I appreciate your wisdom DDD..."do as I do is alot more powerful than do as I say"

    I DID go to the casino yesterday...with my mother not daughter in law. daughter in law has plans to take the grandbabies to a resort with indoor waterpark today (with her mother).

    I am feeling more "lifted" today than I did a couple of days ago. I think I was just Absolutely Exhausted from the trip and the court room, etc.

    I love you all for caring about me so much throughout this process.
    Thank you,
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just thought I'd mention that I got a bit "off topic" on your other thread. I have you on my mind! DDD
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh no DDD,
    I very much appreciate you sharing your personal history/experience with me and what you have learned.

    You're on my mind too!
    ps...I'm alittle tired now and think I'll post more tomorrow.