So, I talked to C again this afternoon. He no longer sounds angry. He just sounds depresssed, resigned and defeated. He’s avoiding going back to the room, since he says he’s been made to feel unwelcome there. He’s slept a couple nights on someone’s kitchen floor. He’s not sure he’s going back tonight, though his eviction isn’t final for a couple more weeks here. He has no idea what’s coming next and repeats that he is out of options. Then he got quiet and asked me, “mom, are you afraid of me?” I asked him why he asked me that. There was a long pause and then he said, “I don’t think I could stand it if you were scared of me. I couldn’t live with myself if that’s how you felt.” When I didn’t answer right away he said, “I’m not like dad. I’m not going to be like that. I can’t be like that. Just please tell me you’re not scared of me.” I said very carefully, “when you are sober and being reasonable I’m not scared of you. I love you, and I know you love me. But it is hard to trust you when you are not sober. When you are not sober you aren’t in control of yourself, and I can’t be around that.” He was quiet for a long time and then said “I guess that’s fair. I understand.” We didn’t say much more after that. His question is troubling for me. The truth is, he does have some of his dad’s violent temper in him. He had a DV 5 years ago (though it was a two-way street and both parties were arrested). When he’s sober, he’s usually very gentle and rather intellectual and philosophical. When he’s drinking he can be out of control. And he’s much bigger than me. So yes, sometimes I am scared of him. I would be scared to have him here. I know R would be scared to have him here. But it breaks my heart to say that. His question also stirs up my own demons from my marriage. His dad was violent both drunk and sober, far more so than C has ever been. It’s hard to think back on those years. I know C bears his scars, as I bear mine. I don’t know how to put these demons to rest.