A Visitor Came a knocking “

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Jan 22, 2018.

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  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi to all of you. I am keeping up with all the posts. I am commenting when and where I can. I am struggling. The story of the hungry ghost came to mind. I think I have certainly had a visit from such a creature lately and it has taken over my house.

    https://www.google.ca/amp/s/medium.com/amp/p/2bb397dbdc10

    I simply do not have the strength to get over or even around the dreaded thoughts that keep going through my mind and make me sit in silent rage. My brain is screaming and. I don’t have the energy to let it out.

    I am tired, I am wrung out of hope and my hungry ghost is telling me all the things I want, deserve and desire will never be within my reach.

    I can’t wrap my head around how my son can possibly think his life is not just ok but good. I asked him how studying was going he said good. I got notice today that he will not be passing any of his courses. What a colossal waste of time. He is deluding him self to the bitter end. I though about telling him to throw in the towel and not even bother writing his exams. What’s the point.

    He could have had 4 months in rehab by this pint in time.

    I just don’t get it, I don’t won’t , and can’t comprehend how my son is embracing his late teens and what could be such an amazing life. Living in the upside down, me and my hungry ghost. I just don’t have the energy to push the negative and despondent feelings away and to just get on with it.

    Today is today and I have failed to keep my spirits high and my resolve strong. I just feel worn down by it all.

    My sons lack of direction, lack of achievement and responsibility just make me so sad.

    What makes me the saddest of all is that he truly has no self awareness what a :censored2: heap his life has become. He is now a young man. He is not a little boy any more.
     
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  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I could write many of the same words about my stepsons, LBL.

    All we can do is live our lives to the best of our ability and lead by example. Whether others follow that example is up to them.

    Though you gave your son his life, his life is his own to do with as he wishes.

    I am sorry today is hard. It's another lesson in accepting what we cannot change.

    Revoking his bail might wake him up. I understand if that is not an option, but this represents a possible opportunity to help him find a bottom a little sooner.

    Hope you feel better soon.
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    LBL

    Going through this is not easy. We have our (trying to be) happy days or days where we're actually okay and then days when we cry on and off all day or cry ourselves to sleep.

    Honestly I'd love to have a measure of how many tears I've cried just for the hell of it!

    I am happy that my son is where he is yet I'm paralyzed by fear of when he is released. Will he be able to live a normal life? Will he stay sober? Will he really change and put the old behind him?

    So there is never any rest for us moms unless we completely let go and I'm not able to do that yet. Probably because our son keeps going to rehab and starting over. He gets knocked down but he does get back up. I get knocked down but I do get back up too. I do think he learns each time.

    Hugs to stay strong today. Tomorrow you'll probably feel better.
    :kisses:
     
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  4. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    LBL
    I am so sorry to hear his you are feeling, I looked at the link you posted, mind provoking. I understand that deep down despair and hurt. It's like a knot that fills your throat, heart and lungs, debilitating and breathless. I could post all of the exact words. I cannot get my head around it either, my son is bright but yet will not get out of this mess he is creating. I have tried rescuing, saving, cutting off, being annoying, doing it for him, everything and we just end up in the same place again. I wake up daily and remember the situation (thats if I have slept at all) and all I want to do is bury my head.Then I want to go and get him and lock him in the house and make him do what he should be doing. It is beyond my comprehension. You are not alone and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

    :staystrong:
     
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  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting.

    This is something I never could...and still don't...understand. Like everyone else here, we did our best, we were loving parents, our son was bright and capable and could have flown through school and college and had a good job. We gave and gave. Other people, parents just like us, had children who excelled. How could our son just throw it away? Even now, when he's doing well (last I heard, earlier this month) and I'm almost relaxed...there's still this underlying tension, this unspoken fear that the next phone call will cause my world to come tumbling down; the worry that the next text will be one telling me he's off the path again.

    But there are days of calm, even in the midst of the storm. There will be times when it seems more separate from you. There will be a time when you realize that this is his path to walk - and while you can't understand it, you can accept it for what it is for now.
    :group-hug:
     
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  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    LBL there is no denying that this is just so hard. My go to thought is worry. As i have over the years assessed what I really feel- it is simply profound sadness over his wasted life. When I sense this, I remember the profound sadness I should have over my wasted time trying to fix or simply stressing. Acceptance of today is so difficult when overshadowed by memories of yesterday and fear of tomorrow. But, today is all we have really. Try to live in today, I will too. You've done all you can, over and above in every respect.
    Lil is right, this time will come for you also. You're stronger than you think. prayers.
     
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  7. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I hear your despair. I wish I could say that I have never felt that way but I have. And maybe I will again, who knows what the future will bring.

    Take care and the only thing I can say is that “this too shall pass”

    Hugs
     
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  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    LBL, this may be of small comfort to you, but your son is only 18, and many times as they grow and mature their behavior gets better. The key is not to enable them.

    It's so horrible going through this. Hang in there. I don't know if you have a therapist of your own or attend a support group, but they can be so helpful.
     
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  9. LBL - I understand your feelings so well, my mind goes through horrible uncontrollable times of jumping from one worry to another and it is overwhelming. You will have better days again, you are a wonderful strong woman and deserve to be able to relax and enjoy life.

    Many times on here, you have supported me hugely and your strength has inspired me. You are dealing with things in the right way.

    Understandably you want things to be different and it’s so frustrating when you know how good his life could be if he took a different path.

    I hope you find peace in your mind soon. We are all here for you.
     
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  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    LBL you have been through and are going through so much. Let your feelings flow. This is grieving on a whole different level. It has nothing to do with weakness or strength. We are human. The waste of time and life is sorrowing. For all of us.
    Your son is young. He is not thinking about his future, not really looking down that road. If only we could magically inject some sense into them.
    This too, shall pass.
    Warm hugs and wishes for solace.
    Leafy
     
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you all so much. I had a bad nights sleep and a very busy day at work that was not a pleasant day in the least. I had numerous issues to contend with and am still on the new job learning curve.

    Had to travel from one clinic outside of my area to another the farthest away in my area, and be there in time for a web conference....got a speeding ticket...just my luck I wasn’t going any faster than any one else but lesson learned....again...Had a clinical trial patient to infuse again more driving...a new chemotherapy drug to be certified for....left home at 8:00 am got home and 9 pm.

    My morning clinic visit was a :censored2: show to say the least. I am happy to say not my Circus not my Monkey. I am cross covering another Supervisor next week for vacation. He is a train wreck was running an hour and a half behind with 3 patients and 2 more patients waiting that probably wouldn’t get their infusion. This was with no apparent reason that I could see besides his own lack of organization skills. One patient asked if I was taking over permanently and the other supervisor was standing right there. When I said no she scoweled at him and said that’s too bad. This guy is a train wreck of a nurse and they made him a supervisor!! of a single clinic. Hard to find warm bodies these days. Clinic work is not unionized and pays less than hospital work. Tough to attract good staff. These patients deserve more. They already have enough on their plates.

    All this in my day and I grabbed hot chicken on the way home for dinner...late dinner... When I got a chance to pause all I could do was cry.

    I am so grateful for all of your support. I want so much more for my son. But like the hungry ghost I can want all I want to, and it will not satisfy any desire.

    If want could resolve half of this issue of no education, no direction no purpose and drugs, I would be a happy person.

    It can’t and I know that, I am just in the dumps. Crap weather crap days at work, son not motivated to do ANYTHING.

    My gut tells me I am going to have to learn to love what is broken. I can’t fix him. Oh how I wish I could. How we all do.

    His life to live. We get a call from rehab intake tomorrow. Let see where this situation with a bed is at?

    There is really no need to pull his bail, if he fails to succeed in rehab he is going to prison.

    I just can’t wrap my head around him and his behaviour. As many of us here can’t.

    It is a waiting game and I tell him so. He slept here last night after coming in high wreaking of pot. He is not here tonight. I know he is probably smoking pot daily.

    He didn’t get up to go to school today and then lied and said he did. Why bother lying. Exams are on Thursday and Friday he dropped 2 courses and might as well give up on the other two. The fact is he can do the work he is just too lazy and pot buzzed to care to do any work or even show up.

    I don’t feel like we are enabling him but we are certainly not laying out what the next steps will be. There is no point in doing that until we have group counseling in place and a safe environment with a clear headed boy to even bother.

    I go through the scenarios in my head of what I want to say and how I know he would react. Hurt, put upon with excuse after excuse ...we have all lived that Ferris wheel of round and rounds. I would get angry he would throw accusations and nothing would be any different.

    He is such a lovely boy with such a good heart. I have a very bad case of the whys.

    I have not been to the therapist lately as work has been hectic. I will be going Saturday.

    Need to mediate more and cry less.

    Yes all of my dear friends, this too shall pass.
     
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending warm, caring hugs LBL. It's so hard. And.....you're doing it.....

    We're all here for you.....:group-hug:
     
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  13. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Wow, what a day for you! Rest well! Here for you and so hope you have better days to come particularly with such a waiting game! Xx
     
  14. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    I’m sorry you are going through all of this and I can relate soooo much. What I have figured out the last month or so is that I lack the courage to do nothing. I am a born re-actor I just can’t help myself. It probably saved my life growing up but I don’t need it anymore. You sound similar to me, where there is a problem we can find a solution. Only the people who’s problems we are trying to solve want no part of it. I am a major futureizer (I might have made that word up) I think I can see a catastrophe coming from a mile away, and wether or not it will truly happen my mind creates it and lives like it will anyway. I wonder what would would happen if we created a future in our minds where even after all the hard knocks they turned out to be pretty decent healthy members of society? Maybe it could happen and maybe not. If only we could wrap our heads around that possibility and live like that is true. Wouldn’t it be great?
     
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  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    LBL, the tragedy in your son's case and also my stepsons' is that other people are stepping in to enable them after we set our boundaries. It is the worst thing in the world for them, but they see it as the opposite.

    The end result is still the same, we must detach and let go of expectations for a specific outcome. They are their own people, flawed like all the rest of us. They will have to find their way.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
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  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    LBL

    I infuse my situation into everything. I am reading a book (true crime which is my fav) and a character in the book (who is a real person) was called as a possible parent to a child he did not know about.

    He stated that during those days he was "drugging" and that he now doing well, married with a son both of whom he loved very much and very happy and did not want to dig up the past, find out if he was the father of this girl, etc.

    I think wow this guy did it! My son could do it. He could look back someday and say "that was when....."

    They all could and many do! It gives me hope in what seems like a hopeless situation.

    Today is a new day and I hope you have a better day today.

    Hugs.
     
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Not a better day. Just too angry to post more will be back.
     
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    OUCH, sorry LBL for your troubles. Take deep, deep breaths and take care of yourself.
    Many gentle hugs and wishes for comfort.
    Leafy
     
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Son Fd up his rehab follow up today. He was supposed to call and was told to call office line and extension. I reminded him yesterday and sent him the phone number. He called the intake coordinators cell phone (or so he says) and got no answer. Well this rehab bed was the only thing standing between him and prison. If he has lost this opportunity to prison he shall go.

    I was so upset. We had a real blow out on text and I sat and cried for a good 1/2 hour in the parking lot of Costco.

    Nothing I can do. It is what it is.
     
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh LBL, I'm so sorry.

    You've worked so hard on every level to support your son, it must be devastating and so disappointing and frustrating that he couldn't be trusted to make an important phone call about his future. Sigh. I know how you feel, I've been there many, many times.

    My heart goes out to you....I so relate to your crying in the Costco parking lot for 1/2 an hour....one time when I was trying to get my daughter's car out of impound when she was in jail, I ran into every obstacle possible, it took days and a good amount of money.....after running all over the county to get the appropriate paperwork, I just broke down in the car and couldn't stop crying. It was a bad, bad day.

    Our kids will likely never really know the heartache and profound sorrow we've felt because of their choices.

    LBL, take care of YOU now. Take a bubble bath. Meditate. Listen to Pema. Have a nice glass of good wine. Call a close friend. Nourish yourself, you've been thru hell.....be so so kind to yourself.

    :notalone::grouphug:
     
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