A wake up call

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Big Bad Kitty, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I got a phone call from a friend of mine last night. She and I used to be regulars at an AA meeting. She moved to Florida a couple years ago, and I have not been to that particular meeting in about a year (just due to the distance from my home).

    She told me that one of the guys who was a regular at that meeting (who relapsed about a year and a half ago) is no longer with us. He had been in and out of meetings up until the point I stopped going, then none of the guys heard from him again. We watched him on his downward spiral...first he started to frequent bars, but he used the excuse of dancing. Then he got hurt, and was prescribed Vicodin. He started abusing that. Next thing you know, he is drinking again. He did come back to try and get sober, but his addiction had a hold on him by then, and eventually he stopped coming to meetings.

    He was found dead in March, and we just now heard about it. He OD'd.

    Very sad. For those of us with addictions, it just takes one...
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    What a sad, sad waste.
    I'm sorry BBK. Hugs.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It is so sad when you hear these stories. For some people, if they can't get to the root cause of their addiction, it makes it so much harder to stay sober.

    I remember a darling man I knew, he was a teacher at easy child's school who was talented, dedicated and had the potential to bring about some wonderful, positive changes. He achieved a great deal in his short time there and antagonised the reactionary dinosaurs that I'd like to see retire.

    But he couldn't cope with success. It as as if he was waiting for someone to come along and take it all away, to tell him he didn't deserve it, that he was a fraud. He would sabotage himself just as he was achieving so much. His biggest failing was to get involved with the (usually married) mothers of his students. He would be in love (so would they be) until it got to a certain point of commitment and then he would run away from it all.

    I got involved a bit more than usual because I supported him when his ex-girlfriend, who had left her husband for him, became furious with being jilted and had him charged with assault because he had smacked her son.
    Back in those days, it was still legal for kids to get the cane. The teacher was at the time living with the boy (his student) and the mother - very inappropriate. And this boy was a serious difficult child, the mother had said to the teacher, "I want you to treat him as a father would. Don't wait until we get home to deal with any bad behaviour; deal with it on the spot at school."
    The mother only brought charges, when the relationship broke up.
    Yes, it got thrown out. There had been witnesses to her request to spank her son if he misbehaved.
    But I do wonder if the current rules against laying a finger on any student may have at least partly come about because of this case...

    The principal had given crucial evidence in support of the teacher. The teacher was vindicated. He was offered his job back at the same school. His cheer squad (me and a lot of other parents) wanted him back. We all celebrated at his house on Friday evening.
    Monday morning - he was elsewhere. I rang the dept of ed to complain the injustice, only to discover the teacher himself had requested a transfer. I was gutted - I had counted on this bloke continuing his work and bringing about more wonderful change. Instead, the complacency flowed back in and everything returned to the unpleasant state of affairs that difficult child 3 had to endure.

    I stayed in touch. So did others. He was happy at the new school, they loved him (of course). Then I heard rumours that he had got involved with the mother of one of his students and broken up her marriage. Her we go again, I thought. Then I heard he had left. Again. Only this time the trail went cold.

    About three years later, a friend who was also a teacher with similar interests to this man received a letter from him. He was in rehab and part of his therapy was to make contact with good friends from the past and let them know where was was now and what he was doing. He had hit rock-bottom, was out of work and had been living on the streets. But he was finally getting his life back in order, he said.

    Then the trail went cold again.

    A few more years - an obituary in the teachers union journal. Very little information. I spoke to the friend who had received the "blast from the past" letter, she said it had been an overdose.

    So tragic. Such a waste.

    But from what I knew of him - until he could finally face his own fears and the causes of his self-doubt, he was going to continue to make the same mistakes, over and over. And each time he repeated, the track got more deeply ingrained.

    BBK, you describe yourself as "recovering". That means you've already faced at least some aspects of yourself and made some decisions.

    My friend was never able to do that. He might make promises and resolutions but when it all came down to it, I think for him it was all just too difficult. I don't think he was weak - just not strong enough. He was strong enough to do a lot of amazing things, but sometimes it's just not enough. It can be even more difficult when there are multiple addictions to contend with.

    Hang in there. You are doing great. I'm sorry to hear about this man. I hope your friend is OK and it's not upsetting her or you too much.

  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    So very sad.
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    How sad.......addictions can be so powerful.... wish addiction had a positive outcome, but only the lucky few can gain control over their addiction(s)...... seems like such a waste......
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    As the wife and mother of recovering addicts, this hits so close to home. My sister in law's exdh killed himself a month ago. He had battled his demons for years and never could stay clean. He eventually had enough and just ended it. I am vigilant in watching for signs with both husband and difficult child. I know if either go back to the drugs, I would lose them for good.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    How sad, BBK. It's a wake up call for sure.

  8. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Hang in there. You have something he didn't. Us. Many hugs.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I am so proud of you for staying clean and sober. Not a day goes bye that I don't think of you and how brave and intelligent and strong you have to be every day to beat this horrible thing.

    I'm sorry about the loss of your acquiantance. Makes it more special to say from me
    I'm so glad you are in my life.

  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry to hear this. It's definitely a wake up call. Back in 97 husband's brother died from an overdose and left behind three children. He never recognized he had a problem. We have shared this story with our kids and my students at school when we are teaching about AOD in the hope that maybe someone will listen and decide not to start.

    I'm sorry the guy you knew lost his battle. Sending gentle hugs your way. Remember we are always here for you.
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    So very sad. Stay strong, you are strong.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. This must hit hard, esp as it has been so many months before you all found out. I admire you for fighting this battle with your addictions. So very many fight part of the battle and then spend lives as "dry drunks". I don't see that you are doing that. That is equally as amazing to me, personally, as fighting off the hold of the actual substance.

    Remember: Progress, not Perfection. Keep coming back, it works! (that goes for this board as well.)

    Love you!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so sorry BBK.

  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thank you guys.

    Thank you all so very much.
  15. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I am so afraid S2BX is going to wind up like this, it will break difficult child's hearts and mine, yet my inlaws will blame it all on me and enable him to keep feeling vindicated. So sorry to hear about your friend.
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss BBK. You know that it is a bigger loss than many can imagine. It hits so close to home.
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    I am proud of you and value your insights so much. So very sorry about your friend.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thanks, everyone.

    This is not the first friend that I have lost to an overdose, but this is the first friend who OD'd when I was sober. It is VERY sad. I really liked this guy, he was a real character. He commented from the time Tink was 3 how much she looked like me.

    This was one of those cases where we all knew what was going to happen. It was as if he were first talking about the railroad tracks, then playing around them, and then we saw him standing on them with a train barreling towards him. But nothing we said helped.

    RIP, Dennis.