Anger reignited...

Tried having dinner with my dad and mom and brother. My dad made condescending comments about both our life choices. Even though we are both very successful just not mirror images of him. And since he only likes to talk about himself , he has no true interest or appreciation for what we’ve accomplished.

Per usual, he crossed the line. My younger bro got sad and left the table. I sat their pissed letting him know he couldn’t get to me. This pissed him off, so he started rambling this list of things I hadn’t done.(hadn’t done his way) I stood there stone faced, biting my tongue not to respond. Eventually he stopped and walked away.

5 min later he walks upstairs and apologizes to my brother with me standing 3 feet away. The walked past me like I was a ghost.

Now he is outside chatting with the neighbors as though he has the family from heaven.

I’m glad I kept my cool, but wow it took me back to being the scapegoat. Felt good to not let him get to me. And realize that I learned exactly how not to be a dad from him.

Just venting...thanks.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am sorry. My mother never ate with me lol. But she criticized even the obviously good things I did. When I adopted hard to place kiddos and loved them to infinity (I still do) she accused me of only doing it for the money!! The thing is, I got no money but when I told her she baited me going "Yes you did! yes you did!"

Your father sounds narc. Therapists have told me my mother sounds borderline...people are all fabulous or all horrible to her. She didn't u derstand gray areas...it sucks to have either type of parent.

I didn't get invited to spend time with Mommie Dearest and may not have gone even if she had invited me. She REALLY didn't like me. I didn't like her either. i thought she was very mean to me. She was.

Looking back, knowing what I know now, that kind of interaction you had with your dad would urge me to detach from this man. However I did not know that at your age. I hope you don't engage him too often. How crappy of him to apologize to your brother but not you. Sounds like he has no golden child...the one who can do no wrong. Sounds like he criticizes you both, but maybe is nicer to your brother. It is his expression of self hate.
 
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I recently let him back in my life and it has been a disaster.

I know detaching is probably best. I just know how insecure and weak he is under all of it. I feel guilty.

But honestly, the second I saw my daughter and how big she smiles when she sees me, all the anger faded. I didn’t carry any of his crap with me on to them and that’s what really matters to me.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
That's what's important. Good for you!

I felt guilty too. I felt like I must be very bad if my own mother didn't love me. My husband was a big help. He is my second husband, 23 years and figured out how sick certain people in my family were way before I knew it. I thought I was the mean one. I can be mean. I had a great teacher. And sometimes I gave it back to her. Then I felt even worse.

One day you will understand and it will be before I did. I hope this garbage doesn't ruin your relationship with your brother. It is hard for siblings of disordered parents to be close.
 
My brother is the toughest part. I feel like I failed him. I was such a protective older brother, and then I left and things got so much worse for him. Trying to mimic my dads life, letting him into every decision. It has just broken him down that he is terrified to do what he wants.

There is so much potential...and it’s like my dad needs to such it all up or make it his. Boggles my mind, but I think I’m closing up this one. Thanks for letting me rant and the support. You all are really special.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You are special! Thanks for coming here! I so enjoy your posts.

I am sorry about your brother. He will have to find a way to deal with your dad. All of us with crazy parents have to learn. And it can take lots of time.

You can vent anytime
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My parents have both been dead since I was 17.

They have missed my entire adult life. Wedding, babies etc.

I guess I'm just saying I wish I had the opportunity to go to dinner with them to get pissed!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My parents are also dead. My mother was awful to me and never acknowledged my kids. Although I understand missing your parents if they loved you, even if they pissed you off sometimes, not everyone had that same love connection. I don't miss my mother at all. I barely saw her during her last decade. She didn't want to see me which was probably best. When she died it was like a stranger died. I had tried to form a better relationship but she wouldn't do it. Oh well. She was very abusive to me and I have no fond memories of her. She disinherited me in the end, which I expected but it still hurt.

She wouldn't come to my wedding, my children's birthdays, she didn't even ever lay eyes on my youngest two kids. She was quite alive but chose not to participate. RN, it was her choice to miss everything your parents did.

Certain parents are way beyond just ticking you off. Mine was cruel. I imagine it is hard to understand if your parents loved you. I am sorry you lost your parents young. I am not convinced you would have missed a mother like mine who not only spit on me but also my kids. Again though for us it was best. She was very abusive and unaccepting. I most remember her screaming at me with wild hair and eyes and still dream about her that way.

I would be careful before judging. Like all forums, we need to be respected here too.
 
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