Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Bearsmom, Jan 17, 2020.

  1. Bearsmom

    Bearsmom New Member

    I am back to scream into the void. My husband is enabling again, this time behind my back.
    His daughter is being oh so nice. She sends him lists of things she needs, all the while doing nothing but living on a brush infested lot bleeding him dry.

    Paying the electric bill, buying her food, car registration, insurance.
    The worst is 100$ per week.

    She will not go get on public assistance, look for a job, or seek any type of help. She tells him to bring stuff from our home. Towels, blankets, cleaning solution, toiletries. I am sick of it. He took her a whole tub of DVDs, that I have. I took the rest and locked in my trunk.

    I am worried he will try to move her in, when our house is built, I have actually been delaying the process, hoping she will go away. I feel guilty for this. I cannot stand the idea of her living with us.

    She is a liar, she steals, and she talks about evil things, very dark things. I don't sleep when she has stayed with us.

    Why would someone just become a angry nasty derelict, living in near squalor? My husband walks on eggshells to avoid her wrath. I on the other hand tell her straight up what I think. He knows it could get physical with her and I. That is, I believe the only thing keeping her away.

    I feel lost...
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Bearsmom. I wasn’t on CD too much for a while so I backtracked on your posts. I have two daughters heavy in to meth and what you describe sounds like your hubs daughter is too. They don’t care about anything but the next high. Will lie, steal and manipulate, the drug basically takes away conscience.
    Shucks, my quote thingee is not working. Any help your husband gives your daughter is funding her habit. Sorry, preaching to the choir.
    I was my own daughters adversary as I stopped enabling and watched horrified as my hubs did her laundry, fed her and possibly gave her money, then she would disappear into the darkness of her choices. She loomed over me, threateningly a few times. My own flesh and blood. It is called triangulation. This caused a divide in our marriage, that is what it’s meant to do. So, you become the nagging bad guy, while poor defenseless daughter manipulates your husband.
    I was afraid of my own daughter, meth is notorious for causing folks to become dark and violent. You should not feel guilty for not wanting hubs daughter live with you. That’s instinct protecting you. Your intuition is correct.
    I went to a therapist to get my head on straight and scoured the internet to understand addiction to meth. It’s not a pretty picture. There are addicts who have recovered, but they have to want to.
    You can’t change the choices your husband makes. He will have to learn the hard way. I put my foot down and hubs kept enabling, but told our daughter not to come around unless he was home.
    Counseling helped me sort through all this stuff and validated my convictions. Unfortunately, hubs succumbed to illness and passed. That did not stop our daughters spiraling, choosing abusive boyfriends and living in squalor on the street.
    I am sorry I don’t have much to offer with advice. Just to keep your wits about you and read up on the disease. Leave a book or webpage open for your husband to see. Go to naranon or alanon and invite him to go with you. Or, watch a documentary on meth at home. Knowledge is empowering,
    Meth is insidious.
    I sorry for your struggle with this. It is hard when we see things our mates do not.
    You are not lost, you are aware, and awake.
    Please know you are not alone.
    Stay strong.
  3. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    Sorry you are going through this. I was the enabler in our family and it definitely put a strain on our marriage. I finally stopped and we got back on track. He never punished me for it, but I punish myself. I cant imagine being on the other side of it. I'm proud of you for NOT enabling, because it is so much easier to cave. I wish I had been as strong as you, early on.

    I agree the hubs has to hit his bottom, rest assured it will be before she does. It seems their bottom is often bottomless. i offer up prayers and good thoughts. Take him on vacay! LOL
  4. Bearsmom

    Bearsmom New Member

    Thank you for hearing and replying, I am happy to not be alone, but saddened that there are so many dealing with the same issues. I am not much help to others, as this has me very muddled. I appreciate your input very much.
  5. Bearsmom

    Bearsmom New Member

    Thank you, this is so hard, I was doing good, so was he and she got into his head. I am going to Naranon, it helps. He still can't let go I guess. Your posts help. Thanks for being here.
  6. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    How you holding up Bear?