Another chance at rehab blown

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Aug 30, 2011.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    A couple of weeks ago I posted that difficult child had missed her granddad's funeral. She'd been out of touch since before the diagnosis in early June, so she wasn't even aware that he was dying.

    A couple of days after the funeral she called wife out of the blue. wife broke the news that he was gone, and she was shocked but it didn't really seem to phase her that much. She was very close to him as a little girl but had drifted away. I don't think it even occurred to difficult child how painful it was for wife having her daughter who-knows-where out on the streets while she is losing her dad. At one point wife had easy child 1 with her when she visited him. He thought easy child 1 was difficult child, calling her by difficult child's name, which was such a poignant and bittersweet reminder of how it used to be between difficult child and her granddad. At any rate, to whatever extent difficult child was sad about his passing, it was on her own account - she did not display any empathy/sympathy for her mother beyond a perfunctory "I'm sorry" before turning the conversation (such as it was) back to herself.

    So anyway difficult child said she was going to go to detox/rehab and get out of the life she was living. Said she was staying with some "solid" people who were helping her and it was all arranged, she needed nothing.

    A couple days later, she called again. This time she was on her way to detox and just wanted to drop off some clothes that she wouldn't be allowed to take. Why she needed to keep such clothes instead of just leaving them behind just like everything else I don't know - just an excuse to show up at the house and keep wife stirred up about her, in my opinion - but at any rate wife let her deposit her trash bag on the front porch. She was to drop them off and go without coming in or anything.

    That was a week or ten days ago. A couple of days ago she called again. She never went to detox (is anyone surprised?) but she was on the waiting list for rehab and staying with a guy who was gonna get her there as soon as a spot opened up.

    Which brings us to today. We have a huge old oak tree in the front yard. One of the main branches got very weak without us knowing it and today without warning it broke and crashed down on our car (and we don't even live within 1200 miles of the hurricane!). Caved in the roof and trunk, shattered the back window. My mom was here visiting when it happened and her car was also severely damaged. So we're in the midst of calling insurance companies and trying to get it arranged for a crew to come and get the tree off the cars when difficult child calls. She wants a ride to rehab. (It is about 2 to 3 hours round trip to this facility.) wife told her that she couldn't do it: aside from the fact that she couldn't just take off and leave easy child 1, we are down to the one car since the other is under a tree. So we asked my parents - my dad said sure under two conditions: a) she had to be ready to go, with no hemming and hawing and b) only if he could independently confirm that she has a bed at the rehab. He called the facility and they did confirm but she has to be there between 8 and noon tomorrow (or I should say today - i.e., Tuesday - since it is now after 2:30 am). Dad has a prior engagement in the morning so it will have to be with mom, who will have to rent a car since hers is under the tree with ours. Mom and I decide that we will drive difficult child to the facility together early in the morning (mom doesn't want to go alone to pick her up considering where she's at and who she's with). When we tried to call difficult child to communicate this a guy answered and said she was off at another guy's getting her stuff. She calls wife at close to 10 pm, sounding drunk, and says she thought wife was taking her from our house (which is what she wanted but no one ever agreed to) - wife tells her "call your grandma right now or you'll miss out" - of course she didn't.

    The guy at the rehab says if she doesn't show up by noon, which would make her third no-show, she can forget about calling there again. So it looks like she's blown it yet again and burned yet another bridge. We'll still do it if she calls and we can get her by 9:30 or 10 - any later than that and we won't have time to go get her and make it to the facility by noon (not to mention getting back in time for me to go to work.) But chances are that difficult child will sleep until noon or later. Of course it will be our fault that she didn't get to rehab since we didn't drop everything and immerse ourselves in her drama the instant she called.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Isn't it always our fault?? It doesn't sound like she is truly ready. I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. :(
  3. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Detach, detach, detach. Not your fault! Hugs!!!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope she gets there. It is not unusual to have a last fling before entering rehab. If it were me I would go drag her out of bed and drive her there.

  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Except we don't know where she is, just a vague general location. Besides which she'd just run first chance she got. We just wanted to provide the opportunity to get there in case she really meant it this time, but of course it was just more games and excuses.

    Today she called and told us she didn't want a ride from her grandparents and to butt out of her business (she called us for a ride yesterday, mind you, but today we're meddling in her business). She also couldn't go today because somebody stole all her stuff (not her word) last night while she was sleeping in somebody's truck. Whatever. Clearly she has no intention of following through on getting in to this place or going straight.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well it's very sad indeed. But please remember of course she does not want to get clean while she's using. In those moments of clarity, for whatever reason, when they want to go to rehab, they have to go then, no waiting. When our difficult child was scheduled to go into rehab on Monday she spent the entire weekend drinking and smoking pot. We were furious with her. We expected because she agreed to go to rehab that meant she was willing to quit. She couldn't quit without the rehab program behind her so as they told us, it was expected that she would have one last fling before she went. If she had not taken her on Monday she would not have gone herself.

    I don't know if your difficult child will ever get help or not, but if she has those moments of clarity when she wants to go, get her there if at all possible. Just don't expect that she will act like she likes it or even wants to participate. It's very hard on parents but her drugs have a hold on her that she cannot break free from at this point.

  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry. I know it's heartbreaking going through this. in my opinion you guys did more than she should have ever expected by trying to work out the transportation situation, especially having to rent a car and already having car issues anyway. You did all (and more) that you could do and it was on her shoulders. It's terrible hard to watch them self-destruct. Sending positive energy to you and your family.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful