Another crisis

[AliceLee]

Here we go again...

Last night, while I was at my families anonymous meeting, husband got a phone call from difficult child that boyfriend has beat her up again and that the police were on their way. boyfriend fled the scene to his mother's house, where he was later arrested and taken to jail.

Apparently, difficult child came home from work for dinner (she works a 3-midnight shift) and found boyfriend and a new coworker of his drunk. She complained about him being drunk, and that set him off. He dragged her back in the bedroom and started beating her. The coworker was terrified and ran out the front door. difficult child managed to get away and ran to a neighbor's apartment. Neighbor (who works with abused women...how ironic!) witnessed boyfriend drag difficult child back into the apartment and deadbolt the door from inside. Neighbor called 911.

Thankfully, our daughter was not seriously injured...but does have some huge bruises, some small cuts and scrapes, and a slightly sprained wrist. She went to the doctor this morning where pictures were taken and details of injuries were recorded.
difficult child is in the process of extending the protective order from 72 hours to trial date, which we've been told will be early March.
My husband has some friends in the county criminal justice system who have told him that boyfriend will be held without bond until the court date. Police told us that he will be prosecuted even if difficult child doesn't follow through with pressing charges.

So, for now, she is back home, along with puppy. husband and I are feeling so stressed. easy child is also having some physical problems, which are adding to our worries.

I feel so bad for difficult child. She was over here Sunday night and seemed happy as could be. She used some of my craft/scrapbooking supplies to make boyfriend a beautiful valentine card. Tomorrow's gonna be so hard for her...

Please pray for us.

 

[Sunlight]

her boyfriend will probably be held in jail due to him ignoring the PFA. that is I assume she had a PFA. she needs to be educated somehow to get rid of this creep. I am sure you have tried. rest up tonight.

 

[hearthope]

AliceLee~ please get her to talk to someone at an abuse shelter.
They will explain to her the dynamics of the abusive cycle.
This is a cycle and she is deep in the middle of it if she is making a card for boyfriend that just did that to her.
I don't want to scare you, but she really needs to get help.

I have lost a friend to domestic violence, I have other co-workers that are still in hiding from their abusers.

The hitting just gets worse

 

[AliceLee]

Ant's Mom...sorry, but I don't know what a PFA is!

 

[AliceLee]

She made the card the day BEFORE he did this to her.

 

[Sunlight]

you mention a protective order. a PFA is a Protection from Abuse order. I had one against my ex for a while to keep him from stalking. any violation of it would have sent him to jail.

because of the PFA I also had to see a women's abuse counselor to assess my situation and get advice on how to handle confrontations with him. the court ordered that.

 

[everywoman]

Oh Alice less, I hope that this is it and she will be able to let him go. No one deserves to be mistreated. I know its really hard for young women to understand the dynamics of abuse, but try to get her to an abuse couselor.

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #3366FF">has she been talking to the neighbor who works with-abused women? has she established a relationship with-her? do you think she would be willing to talk to her in more depth & possible attend whatever program the neighbor is working with?

hopefully this will be the straw that breaks the camels back & your daughter will get off this merry~go~round.

i'm sorry she was hurt.

kris </span>

 

[KFld]

Good for you for getting to families anonymous. Keep going!!! I'm so sorry she is going through this. Hopefully this will end the relationship for good.
Sending hugs to both of you (((((hugs)))))

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I'm glad difficult child got in touch with you all. That in itself is an admission on difficult child's part that she can't control everything in her life. Hopefully she will get some assistance and counseling. Sending gentle hugs to you all.

 

[fedup]

I wish your daughter the best. I'm glad youare able to support her.

 

[AliceLee]

Thank you all for your support. The latest is that difficult child will have to go to a hearing on March 1 and the trial is mid-April. Not exactly clear on when boyfriend will be out of jail...think it will be until the hearing on March 1. There is a protective order against him...he can't come near her or have any contact with her. She has possession of the apartment. This weekend, husband and I will help her get his stuff out and husband will take it to his mom's house.

difficult child is hoping to stay at the apartment...she's talking about a good friend moving in. We'll see. Good friend was supposed to move in with her in December, but backed out. I don't feel good about her staying at that apartment...too easy for him to come over and harrass her. If she does end up staying there, we will probably spring for changing the locks.

Last night, I left difficult child a letter telling her that we are supportive of her, we love her, and that she doesn't deserve to be abused under any circumstances. I also wrote down numbers of local domestic violence shelters and encouraged her to give them a call for more information and support. Don't know if she'll make any calls, but she has the info.

 

[fedup]

I hope that your daughter can straighten things out and stay safe. It is difficult to stand by, yet want to protect in any way we can.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Sending prayers for your family.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #660000">protection orders are nice...but we all know how that goes. if/when he gets out try to make sure that she has 911 on her speed dial & that she always has her cell on her person. she should also try not to be alone. does she have neighbors she can tell to call 911 if they hear loud noises, shouting, fighting??? sometimes/often people are very hesitant to get involved. i'd also suggest she talk to victims services & ask how she can be assured she will be notified if he is released before march 1. i would suspect there will be a bail hearing prior to the prelim.

kris </span>

 

[hearthope]

Protective orders are only paper. If he shows up and she calls 911, he is still there and able to do what he wants until the police show up.

If they shared the apartment together, I am sure the fire will be fueled if she removes his things and plans on staying there without him. He will know where she is and he will be familar enough with the place to know how to get in if he wants to, regardless of changing the locks. Doors can be busted open and windows can be broken.

Alice lee I hope that she will just talk to one person that can share her story. They always think that the abuser loves them and won't go to the extreme with them. All the survivor's of abuse know that is not true. Each time gets worse. The more angry he is the worse he will react.

I think sitting in jail ~ he thinks she put him there, he thinks if she hadn't call the police and told on him that he would not be there ~~ he is mad

I also think getting out and seeing his stuff removed from the apartment will just compound his anger

When you deal with an abusive man he is not thinking on the same line as others. Your daughter is his, in his eyes, his property, not only has she left him but she had the nerve to put him in jail, then she threw out his things.

I would talk to your daughter about what she plans to do when he shows up again. Even if he is in jail now, even if he serves time and has to take a class ~~~~ he will be back, they don't let go

 

[work in progress]

AL,

I know that this a bit late. I just wanted to tell you my story. My younger sister went through the same thing and she was 17 and living at home when she met her abuser. It is a difficult time for a young lady and her family when she is abused by someone she loves, so I can imagine what you must be going through. Before sis and boyfriend#1 lived together, my sis had spinal surgery to correct scoliosis. Do you believe this guy was pushing her around even though she wore a body cast from the neck to the pelvis?

She was always independent so she moved out after graduation.. They lived together. She'd get orders of protection then rescind them, had locks to their apartment changed, ph numbers changed, but then she'd give the boyfriend her new phone number and new keys to the locks. She changed her number at least a dozen times.

We all told sis, no man who truly loves a woman beats her. Whether he was intox or not, it's inexcusable. Sis'd bring him to our family functions. It was hard for us all to see them together after the stress he put us through. I told her one day, to look at herself in the mirror. boyfriend had knocked out some teeth and had pulled her long hair out by the temples. She was always beautiful so it was hard to witness. She developed an eating disorder of binging and purging. Fortunately, our stepdad, uncles, and other males eventually put the fear in him, because boyfriend #1 finally left her alone.

She met another man and the abuse started again but this time she eventually put her stuff into storage and moved nearer to me to my family's relief and then after she got a good job, she thought of bringing boyfriend# 2 here to live. He didn't strike me as an abusive type. He was a drug user; cocaine being his drug of choice. I was like are you kidding? He called her long-distance telling her if she returned he would marry her. My sis returned to him, marrying boyfriend #2, had a child, divorcing and marrying him twice..

At this writing, my Sis has been married to a nice, patient man for at least five years and they have a child between them. No reports of abuse are known at this time.

Sadly, a woman suffered at the hands at boyfriend #1. He spent time in prison for allegedly beating her so badly that she miscarried.

Please beg your daughter to seek help, take self-defense lessons and get some into therapy with abusive woman counselor. Maybe keep a can of hot pepper spray or mace (if its legal in your state) in her purse or find a safe place in her apartment with an inside lock so she can go there where she can dial for help in case he breaks in.

Again, I pray for you and your family.

WIP