Another go around

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, Sep 8, 2018.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Just finished a long drawn out text conversation with our probably Bipolar, adopted, 28 YO son, who lives in Denver. Once again, he is abusive. Tells me that we shouldn't have ever adopted him. That we only did it because my husband wanted a kid and I didn't want the hassle of nine months of pregnancy and we only did it for our fulfillment, not because we cared, that we never cared about him, have never done anything for him, that my husband as a pastor only pastors because he wants money (huh?), and that he only went along with the "religious BS" to please us, and that we should F*** off and get out of his life. Wow. That hurts. I just wonder---did he really feel like this as a kid, or is this just what his mind has deluded him into believing? Was his loving, happy nature as a boy real or was it a facade, and we were just fooling ourselves the whole time? I can't seem to disengage from him. I need to, but after a couple of weeks with no contact I start the whole cycle again by texting him. This latest episode started because we wanted to offer help with getting his car (which we gave him) inspected and registered. Instead of being grateful and accepting of the help, he goes off on us about how we won't cosign a car loan for him, and how we are selfish people who only care for ourselves. I don't understand why I can't let him go and accept that this is the way it is, at least for now. I hate myself for continuing to beat myself up with his verbal abuse. WHY AM I DOING THIS?
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Are drugs involved, he sounds like mine does when he is using. He can explode without but it is more likely with. Mine is also bipolar among other things. The things they say are meant to hurt us and they tend to go for the jugular. His tune would change if he got his way until he wanted something else then here we go again. Have you read the article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus page? It might help you to separate somewhat. You can choose what contact you want to have but my advice is not if he is being verbally abusive to you. If he is you need to end the conversation. Maybe emails or texts for awhile. There are many different limits set by different parents on here. Some have no contact others only allow certain times of day or so many times a week. That is your choice. Mine is if he is vulgar I hang up and block for up to a week. I will buy an occasional meal or something i feel is def. needed but absolutely nothing to do with cars. He has had dui charges. I try very hard not to help with rent but i Struggle and I do help to get to psychiatric appts. and court. More will offer support I am sure. Welcome.
  3. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    Hi Beta, I’m so sorry for the pain, confusion and abuse you are getting from your son.

    My son was diagnosed young. I know I was paying very close attention, because I had to with the therapies and medications and such. He was truly happy, and didn’t feel the way he does today about the fictional childhood he now remembers. I have a feeling you didn’t miss anything either.

    I have no contact with my son currently. He’s said things to me recently that are so shocking I feel I have no other choice. I don’t know what the future will bring.

    That’s the bad news. But strangely enough he’s still working, since April, a new record for him. He got a raise and also has a part time job on top of the full-time job. He bought a car, a beater, but still he had to pay for it and 6 months of insurance to get it registered. The insurance probably cost more than the car with his driving record. He also pays room and board where he is living. And he hasn’t been thrown out of the house for acting like a a** so he must be controlling his mouth at least with the home owner and the people at work. I know some people his age are not very happy with him because he’s gotten nasty with them so it’s not all a bed of roses but still. I’m hoping he will start to feel empowered by taking responsibility for himself instead of getting angry with me because I’m not taking care of him. Who knows, maybe he will always be angry with me, it's not in my control.

    You do what you can. I know it feels like you are abandoning him, especially with his guilt tripping, and you worry about him. In my case I feel like any contact just allows more off the wall behavior from my son. But then I have other people who are in contact with him who let me know how he’s doing.

    I hope you figure out a way that works for you. If the texts are too much could you limit him to emails only and get someone else to read them first to see if the content is okay?
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Beta, Your description of your interaction with your son sounds very familiar to me... .as do the feelings you have about it. My son is also adopted and I think adoption issues add another layer to all the stuff we and they deal with. I too wonder about drugs.... my son has serious addiction issues and this kind of behavior is much worse when he is using than when he is not.

    But really it smacks of pure manipulation to me. He wants something from you, to co-sign that loan. He probably first asked nicely and when that didn’t work he got nasty and tried guilty tripping you hoping that would work. I really wouldn’t believe anything he is saying because he is really trying to get you to do something he wants.... this is not an honest heart to heart talk he is having with you, this is him trying to manipulate you into doing something he wants.

    So first take care of yourself in whatever way you can. I dont think there is anything wrong with continuing to text him now and then to see how he is doing and to keep the door open if that feels good to you.... but if it doesnt and you dont want to that is fine too. But if the manipulation and guilt tripping or abusive stuff starts then stop the conversation. Do not engage in any of that with him.

    The main thing is to take care of yourself....

  5. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    That’s what this sounds like to me, too. Don’t take it to heart, and don’t engage with it. This is the way the year are sometimes when they don’t get what they want. No different than a two year old having a tantrum - except they now have more sophisticated ways to hurt us.

    I would take him at his word and stay out of his life for now - until he can come back civil. After all, he asked you too. At 28, he can figure out how to get his car registered and insured, or suffer the consequences of not doing so. I think the only way they learn to be grateful for what we do offer to help is when we let them muddle through on their own. Hopefully, with time and maturity he’ll be able to come back to you with a more honest assessment of your relationship. I’m sorry he’s putting you through this right now.
  6. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thank you all for your responses. It's 3:30 a.m. and I'm awake. I know he's manipulating. I also think he has deluded himself into believing at least some of what he says to us. Yesterday, I asked him if he would just at least come and stay for a week (we live in another state) and sit down and talk, that we want to see him. I think if he were here with us, he would be more stable and more able to reason with. Isolating himself in his room and thinking the same thoughts over and over only seems to reinforce the fictions he has convinced himself of. He refused. He hates us, he says.
    The problem with the car is that we gave it to him in January; we have the title and it's on our insurance, which ends in December. We are concerned about liability once the insurance is up since we still own the car. Every so often, he gets a ticket, and we end up having to pay it, because we own the car, and if we don't, it will affect our credit. He refuses to give us an address to send the title to, and even if we were able to send it to him, there's no guarantee he would go and get a new title, etc. That's the reason we offered to pay for an inspection and registering the car--to get ourselves off the title and protect yourselves. So we're stuck at the moment.
  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    By the way, he was never a drug user, and as far as we know, he doesn't use drugs, but then again, who knows anymore? He's become a stranger and anything is possible. I keep thinking---"Is he going to become just some person we once knew and raised but who is now a stranger and who we never see again, spending the rest of our lives wondering where he is and what happened to him?" Sometimes I can't believe we're in this place in life--I never would have imagined it even just a few years ago.
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  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Beta, I went through something very similar as you. My daughter had a good childhood and then something snapped and she decided she hated us, her behavior towards me was so awful that I had to go no contact. I did that for 3 months. It was the ONLY thing that worked with her and it did make a difference. My daughter was so AWFUL and hateful to me saying things that broke my heart. I tried and cried for many years then I could not take it anymore and broke all contact. I refused to answer my door and did not answer the phone when she tried to call, she even tried using other peoples phones and I did not answer. I took my voice off of the answering machines, I made myself invisible to her. It worked better than anything I could have said to her. I wish you much strength as you try to figure out what works best for you.
  9. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    That's interesting. I have wondered if maybe our complete silence and absence from his life might just be a wake-up call for him, that maybe I am hindering what God might be trying to do by my contacting him. I need to keep my resolve strong to find out if this is the case. I go for about a week, maybe two weeks, and then I convince myself that maybe he's had time to settle down and maybe he will listen to reason, and so I contact him, and the cycle starts all over again. In the meantime, it doesn't do either of us any good.
    I appreciate your sharing what you did; it gives me some motivation to stay firm on this. Thank you.