Yep, chest tightend, wringing hands and the nervousness that comes with going to see my oldest difficult child at the state prison rehab. My mother and I will be driving down there this Sat morn. There are pluses and minuses involved with that. My mom seems to stay in a constant state of happy oblivian (also thought of as denial). Quite frankly, her "cheery" disposition at all times tends to grate-on-my-nerves. Did I mention she's my "mom"? lol We will get to take her car...luxery. Split the gas and stay at her deceased husbands son's house. Which is a bit of a dread in and of itself. Son's kiddos and my kiddos all shared many memorable family get-to-gethers once upon a time when the kids were cute, funny...and innocent. Their's are still "okay"...they didn't end up with a drug addict in prison. I know, I know...we're all on different paths, doesn't make anyone "better than", I know. But I don't want to be a weight on anyone around me either. Maybe I will just "go for a walk" at their house or find a reason to disappear for a bit and cry if I need to. To describe it: It's tucked away outside an otherwise affluent community, in the "sticks". There are trees, fields all around, the razor wire fence. A small parking lot area for visitors. You go to the front gatehouse near the wired entrance. You give them your ID they check the list they come out and wave the wand round your body. You are not allowede to bring in cash, only up to $20.00 in change. You go to the "visitor building, it's white, seperated from the main dorm. you sit and wait, and read the little signs around you. You are being monitored, overheard and watched. girlfriends, families, mom's...that's mostly who I saw. Last time I was there, I had my keys in my hands, oldest difficult child began to play with them, easy child was with me. I told oldest difficult child to please give me my keys back (I didnt want him to get in trouble). Of course, here comes a guard, female, older, tough. She did not take difficult children lame excuse that he "didn't know" he couldn't hold my keys, etc. I found myself shaking my head, thinking... "yep, isn't any wonder to her why my son is here". I'm sitting RIGHT in front of him and for fear of making waves, confrontation in a crowd, cutting the visit short (have done it before but this one involved a plane trip). Anyway, If called to do "the next right thing" I hope I have the fortitude to do so, I don't have as much to lose this time around since the expenses will not be as great. I will try and expect "nothing" and give my love and care to my son as a gift. If I see myself being used up, devalued, I hope I can walk away as I would an unkind stranger. On another note... Young difficult child's girlfriend drove him to college yesterday, so I picked him up. He is sporting a black eye and several bruises to his face. He got a kick out of himself telling me at first that he "fell down the stairs"...I'm like, "Oh wow, well that had to hurt". I did real good not playin into panic or drama. Of course he gave up on the "stairs" story and then told me that someone had said something to his girlfriend and that he got hit in the face with a beer bottle. I'm like, Wow, well that still has to hurt...guess you know what you're doin." He then tried to defend himself, justify. Not my problem. His consequences. Then, lmao, he told me how improved my attitude was. (boing boing boing, I swear I still don't know which way is up or down sometimes) Yes, there was some false bravado here but at other times a real healthy sense of knowing that it's "their lives" not mine...they are simply on loan to me. Between them and their higher power, not up to me, etc. They tell me "live and let live, let go and let G-d, Surrender to win, it's a journey, trust the process, ask and thank, get off the cross, enabling kills, etc" It still isn't fun. I DO tend to still feel sorry for myself, feel sorry for them, but like I read from another poster on the board (wink), "who does it serve?" And that's an excellent perspective...it helps no one, it changes nothing. Uhhhhg! Help me believe it 24/7! I am laughing cause this life is so rediculously beyond me that it's all I can do sometimes. I know I'm stronger today though than I was "yesterday". So that is progress. Thanks for caring, lovemysons...needing to make that "noon Al-Anon meeting" ps...I think I need to do another profile as it seems I am spending some time here with you all. Oldest difficult child is 19, will be 20 next June. Young difficult child is 17 and in college. They are both addicts. easy child is 14...she still doesn't really get "what their problem is". Life is just NOT that complicated for her...thank G-d!