anyone else's addict act like this?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Feb 8, 2019.

  1. Most of you know the roller coaster we have been on these past few months/years. In and out of treatment, manipulation, etc.
    I have noticed my adult son gets very angry when he doesn't like something or feels he has been "betrayed" or "lied to" and says really mean things to thse people who have tried helping.
    For example, when he went to residential treatment a few months ago, the man who picked him up told him that he couldn't have a visitor while he was there. My son said that when he agreed to go that was said and now the guy changed what was presented and with that he got angry and left the program after 2 weeks. Once out and back to his "life", he would send emails and texts to the guy that said very mean and ugly things. (The man had reached out to me to see what was going on with my son. He felt it was just his addiction taking over)
    So fast forward to this IOP/sober living issue. He quit the IOP and then was told he couldn't live in the sober home... He felt it was wrong because the other guys live there and don't go to IOP. We were both told that it was because they were further along in the program. My son needed IOP and he made a commitment to attend and now was backing out. It was felt by the home that my son should not call the shots but they should call the shots. My son refused to go to another sober living home and got an apartment alone again. I was told by the IOP that my son sent very cruel text messages to the man in charge. He wished terrible things on him and his family.
    Seriously, why is my son acting like this? Is this normal? Do others do this as well? I am embarrassed that he does this. We didn't raise him to be like this. He is acting like a 2 year old with temper tantrums.. I have not made any contact with him since last week and do not plan on reaching out.
    I am thoroughly disgusted with him. My counselor said he needs so much help. He just wants everything done his way.
    If there is a relapse in the future, I am trying really hard to say "I am sorry but we have paid for treatment 6 times since June and you never followed through. You need to find your own this time and pay for it with you money."
    I will feel awful but I can't keep doing this.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    They're completely irrational and they always try to put the blame on anyone but themselves. My daughter will try and bring up something completely off topic just to shift the blame and skew the conversation. Part of it is the drugs/alcohol, part of it is immaturity- wherever they got stuck and started using (in my opinion) and part of it is that it works for them. It takes a ton of energy and focus to maintain your boundaries with these adult children. They know most people don't have the time or interest to engage for very long, so they usually cave and give them their way. They have learned street survival skills- conning, threatening, etc. and it works enough that they get rewarded for it. It is exhausting, which is why I just hang up the phone or walk away when it starts. With my daughter I think some of it is that she is unhappy with her life. Unhappy people treat others poorly. Nothing about this behavior is normal, so accepting it is a big mistake in my opinion. They need to be held to the same standards as any other adult, addict or not. I know how frustrating and infuriating it is. Sending peace your way.
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Has he always had an anger problem? It might be good to get on medications.
  4. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Round and round we go. He has no "skin in the game" why should he stay on track? Why should he follow the rules? It doesn't cost him anything if he doesn't. You are the one paying. He isn't. It about killed me to say NO and to quit letting my ds manipulate and guilt trip me. You have to stop enabling. In reality you are afraid of his addiction and his relapses. HE needs to be afraid of them and want something better for himself. You can't do it for him. If you are paying for his phone, stop. Stop. then he can't send those texts. Is it normal? Probably for someone who is an addict and doesn't want to admit they are an addict. The way for him to get his way is to get angry and put someone else on the defensive and to make them feel bad for him. He WANTS YOU to feel awful Nice guy isn't he. Lots of love for his mom that has done anything she can for him (yep, speaking from experience) Tell him, " You need to figure this out. "
    Thursday my ds stopped to see me. Of course there was an ulterior motive. He is nice. talks for a few minutes. Precedes to tell me he got fired from his (main) job (he has a full time and a part time. He gave me a story, of course it wasn't his fault (huh. insert eye roll) He will need a little help with rent and insurance (not due till the March 1st, Feb is paid) because of the job loss. I said..Oh come here, he walked over, I said turn around--he was facing a mirror. I told him, "that guy right there, see him? He can help you. He can go get another job and have another income by Monday--lots of jobs in this town" He was NOT happy with me. I said.. If you still need A LITTLE help for March you can come and talk to me AND your dad. If you can show us you have another job but for a legitimate reason you will be short maybe we can help.
    You know what? It is HIS turn to be stressed about money. The same goes for your son.
    I told mine, YOU need to like and respect the man in the mirror.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    And I will say what someone told me, being sober and being in recovery is not the same thing. We want it to be but it just isn't.

    Also even when sober, they still have the same addictive traits.

    When my son was using, I did not like him. I wasn't sure I even still loved him to be honest. I don't like people like that around me.

    I do hope that you back away and let him figure this out. You love him and that's enough right now.
  6. I don't reach out to him at all. I feel just like what RN0441 said. Not sure if I even feel love anymore. The son I once loved is gone. Since he said "talking to you makes me want to get loaded" I don't even want to reach out to him. He sent me a picture of a dog over a week ago and then last week asked me what the password was to Netflix. Should have thought faster and replied I cancelled it! Darn, next time I will. I text the password and said if that wasn't it, I have no clue. He replied and I didn't .
    I feel he is back in a relationship with that girl that he started dating when he relapsed the last time. She doesn't use but when they had a disagreement then he relapsed. He gets weird over relationships and if the girl is pulling away.
    So, it is only a matter of time. I need to be hopeful I guess.
    I haven't told him that our dog passed away. He was only 5. I know he will take it really hard so I feel it will be an excuse to drink. If he asks me how he is, then I will tell him. However, he hasn't made contact in almost a week.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well life is full of hurdles and rejection and loss etc. etc. They must learn how to deal with these things and can't use it as an excuse to use drugs at all or alcohol in excess.

    I must admit I drink socially and sometimes it does take the edge off but I have a good job and a home and a normal life so that makes it different.

    That is the biggest thing I worry about with our son also....that something will tip the scale and he'll go back off the deep end. It's not a good feeling waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I read that one of our primal instincts (after food, shelter, sex or whatever they are) is to "get high". I mean that as having a few drinks etc. It feels good. That worried me when I read that to be honest.
  8. Lonelylady

    Lonelylady New Member

  9. Lonelylady

    Lonelylady New Member

    I hope this helps. From what I have experienced in my life is they don't stop until they wear us down. It is always something bigger and worse with every phone call or visit. Until you are so exhausted they got you where they want you. So if you can just truly say no and walk away and stick to it. You will begin to see light at the end of the tunnel. It puts the problems on them, where they should be. However, it is so hard to do and I am 63 yrs old and haven't mastered it or even come close yet. But good luck to you. Be strong, stronger than he is.
  10. It has been over 2 weeks since he made any contact with me. I am on the fence as should I send a text to see how he is doing or just let it be... He has really upset us all with his actions, how he treats others when he doesn't get his way (-verbal lashing and abuse- says horrible things, wishes horrible things on the person who didn't give in)
    I look back at every thing we did for him- every time he asked us to help him we did what he wanted - like break the lease, pack his things, move, take his pets, etc. and he never followed through on his end- always quit the IOP.
    I don't know if he is sober or not. Living alone with no accountability no support no drug tests... just not sure.
    I offered to pay for a recovery coach who drug tests and he would see him once a week and he declined.
    I am starting to let go. It is what it is. My son doesn't care at all about his family or about how much we have spent on him. My parents helped him with his credit card bills and he has yet to pay them back like he promised - doesn't even attempt to make contact with them.
    When I look back on everything, I get angry and strong and think "I will not reach out to him. He doesn't give a shi* about us at all" He blocked his sister from social media and called her a horrible name because she wouldn't help him. She despises him as well because of all we have done for him and he doesn't care.
  11. Irish Momma Bear

    Irish Momma Bear New Member

    I see myself in all these stories. I can’t wrap my head around how my beautiful, compassionate daughter fell down this rabbit hole. Although I only found out about it in July, it feels like it’s been years. The lies and manipulations .... it’s sad and overwhelming. And it’s becoming more widespread. This week in N.J., there were 3 articles about (1) an impaired driver that crashed into a car at a gas station and killed a father and his 17 yo son, (2) an overdosing bus driver, that had kindergarteners on her bus, and needed Narcan, and (3) another driver arrested for driving erratically and found to have a significant amount of drugs. It’s heartbreaking.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am so sorry. I know the pain of not knowing if they're okay. It is the most horrible thing a parent can go through.

    When they are using they are self-centered and do not care at all about how their behaviors affect us. It's part of the disease.

    It doesn't sound to me like your son is ready to change. They have to get really, really uncomfortable to even desire to change. Why should they?

    The worst part is because we love them so much we do NOT want to see them suffer so we sometimes prolong the disease.

    It's so hard to know the right thing to do. I think we can only take care of US because we do not have any control over their addiction.

    Let go and let God.
  13. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I am a former NJ resident and I have read about the major drug problems up there. My daughter has been on pills and heroin off and on for 16 years now. She is only 31. Been in and out of jail and rehab. I stopped enabling her last June and she cut me off. She also got custody of my 11 year old granddaughter and keeps her from contact with me. My granddaughter lost her dad last summer to a heroin overdose. I moved to NC. I can’t do it anymore being around all that and my daughter and her drama