Appropriate responses

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, May 1, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    i have a friend of thirty years who has a high powered job and is paid well. This does not bother me, in fact I think it’s awesome.

    We live in different states. She visited us at our new house recently and her and her husband stayed about three days.

    I posted about her as she disappointed me when I asked her to not take my photo when I was all puffed up on prednisone, had gained a lot of weight and had a puffy face. She took photos anyway and said I was over sensitive and my hair and dress looked nice. I dropped it and thought to myself “ agree to disagree.” But it did not seem particularly kind. But, again...I felt it might be a difference of opinion.

    As an important side note...We might travel together soon. We as couples sometimes travel together. Been doing this off and on for thirty years.

    I texted her about a weird problem that has come up in my family re elderly friend of family. She called. We spoke briefly and she said she would call back. She never did. I just assumed she was busy. I did not take it personally.

    While on the phone I mentioned that I was almost off prednisone and ThrILLED! NOT a single word out of her mouth. Nada. Nothing. Dead silence. It bothered me. Does not seem like a normal or kind response.she is well aware the prednisone bothers me with crazy side effects.

    Ok. A week or so went by and she did not call when she said she would re that family friend problem. I needed to text her re traveling. I said in my text “Everything is much calmer now with that problem we spoke of. I need to touch base with travel plans....”

    She wrote back and said how much she loves travelling with us and provided helpful information.

    Did not respond at all to that first sentence re the situation being better. Nada. Did not even say”Glad to hear that difficult situation with family friend is better. Glad we are once again planning a vacation...blah blah....” nope.

    Am I truly over sensitive? Or does she seem HARD and INsensitive? I almost feel used come to my house etc. vacation together...but I’m not sure I want to be close with you. After thirty years , I thought we were getting closer.

    To our SHOCK they did not offer for us to spend a weekend at their house. She did give me a very expensive housewarming gift. I don't know. ????

    I sometimes get the impression they have times they border on desperation to get away from the stress just a guess though. I don't know. So, a trip to our house or a vacation is great. Going to their house could be more stress. Hence, no reciprocal invite. I don't know.

    Any “takes” on this?
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It could be that she really is busy with her work. Work can sometimes distract us from "life". Also, because she lives in another state, she is not "seeing" you on a regular basis and communicating via text can also add to the disconnect.

    When you asked her not to take your picture, giving a valid reason of the prednisone and she did anyway shows that she is not truly concerned with your feelings. It would be one thing if you said "Oh, I just hate having my picture taken" but you were very specific and she did not honor your request.

    Even though you have know this person for over 30 years, it sounds more like they are just traveling friends. Fun to go on vacation with but beyond that, not much.
    There is nothing abnormal about this. I know people who the only contact they have with each other is when they travel. Kind of like being part of a card club. You enjoy playing cards with the people but you don't invite them over for dinner.

    It was very kind of her to give you an expensive housewarming gift. The fact they did not invite you to stay at their house could be for many reasons. With your upcoming travel with them, you might in conversation say something like "hubby and I are thinking of coming to your town for a visit" and see how she responds.

    I don't think you are being overly sensitive. Your feelings matter.
    If it were me, I would dial back on sharing anything really personal with her. Sometimes people just grow apart.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    My take is that she wants to be friends at a distance. Maybe she has too much on her plate to let you into her daily life. Maybe they're having financial problems. Maybe their house isn't what they've said it is. Maybe she's just self absorbed and doesn't really care what you think, even though you've known her for so long.

    I'd let her do the next phone call/text and see where that goes.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I have two long term friends acting “off.” So, of course I’m wondering if I’m doing something strange.

    But, the first one IS having money problems. AND the stress from that does seem to make for craziness.

    I pulled back a little. We actually had lunch together the other day and it was very pleasant.

    This one...well, there are hints of family problems. Big ones. I can piece together the possibilities. I do think she is pushing back a little. It is possible she doesn’t want me to know too much.

    I’ve always been a fairly straight shooter. It actually relieves tension. The only thing I might clam up about a little is diff. child. However, if I’m even relatively close with you...I might say something like “ We are having difficulties with our special needs daughter and I will have to get back with you in a few days,” or something like this. I might not say anything of the details, but one knows generally what’s up.

    My first friend is not commonly forthright....but WILL speak up if something is over the top bothering her.

    And the second one (from this thread) omg, she hates talking about anything bothering her. At times over the many years certain family messes have become evident. The second friend struggles badly and sometimes you can see the pain in her face. She masks pain...don’t wish to say how.

    We will see what happens.

    I do think I might not text her next. I don't know. I think all will be ok, but her behaviors are a little hurtful.

    Lots of pain in the world.
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Could it be that she is just uncomfortable speaking about other peoples problems? I know people have said things to me that I didnt feel comfortable with and o just give a short answer and change the subject. As far as the house i am not the worlds best housekeeper and am hesitant about having certain people who are very neat over even if i clean up. Never good enough
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  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Tired Mamma...I think you are either exactly right or very close to it.

    She deals with other people’s problems as part of her job. I think she IS tired of having to deal with it. But, it’s coming from a different place (job fatigue).

    AND people for years have told my husband and I that we should open an interior design business. Together, we have an interesting talent. Believe, me, it has crossed my mind. We work well together in this way. She picked up on it immediately. I think at first she didn’t believe us that we did not hire an interior designer. And even though we only have the housekeeper once a month, she had just been there.

    Soooo , the place looked unusually nice. It certainly is possible she felt her house wasn’t up to par. Our house is actually kind of small , especially for the neighborhood. We bought many items from HomeGoods. There is a lamp from Walmart! But it matched soooo perfectly, I bought it. People say we have an “eye” for what will go well.

    So, this is a possibkevexplanation. I also suspect she is quietly dealing with some family issues of her own.

    Fortunately, my oldest and dearest friend in the world isn’t acting odd and in fact I think we are closer now than ever. I can say this particular woman doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body. Maybe that makes the difference.

    My husband says it is a struggle for him to understand some of these folks when we’ve had MAJOr d. C. Stuff for decades and very rarely if EVER let it negatively influence a friendship. Terrible stress from that and I avoided taking it out on my friend’s!!!

    I’m trying hard to let bad behavior among long term friends “go.” Give them extra chances. Understanding, it likely means some issues on their part. I don’t wish to be a CHUMP though. Such long friendships in my mind mean extra chances. But not forever and not to infinity. I’m working on it. I’ve had difficulties in this arena with these two, but am doing my best to work it out.

    Thank you all for such helpful and kind input.
    Last edited: May 2, 2018