Asking for some bead rattling for my aunt

[Mattsmom277]

I have one remaining living aunt on my mothers side. She lives here in town and we are very close. Her grown children live in the US and the UK now, and since she is divorced, it's really just a family unit of her, myself and my cousin (and of course my kids and my cousins son). My aunt has been through so much. Breast cancer, auditory tumor (which I fear is regrowing/mastetizing (spelled wrong) following gamma knife treatment some 8-9 years ago. Other physical stuff too but nothing on the serious end. Her cancer has been in full remission since treatment 9 years ago. Yet she's had minor but constant physical problems ever since and it has really change her personality and her quality of life. It's been hard for her to cope with this carping out of her body because she hasn't had any truly serious problems since her treatments, but yet she was nearly healthier seeming and feeling during treatments, that's how miserable she feels physically.

Anyhow, no warning but it seems she might have had a heart attack. She's in hospital. Spoke very briefly with her this morning, was planning to ask what a good time was to visit her this morning. She was unable to even speak on the phone for more than the minute or two we spoke, she was too nauseated, hadn't slept and was sick all night. She's had a 3rd EKG (Or is it ECG?) this morning, more blood work this morning and a echocardiogram this morning yet hasn't had her family doctor come in to speak with her yet. I fear there is more going on than she is sharing, this is also the first time I've ever heard her frightened and shaken although she tried valiantly to cover that up. I was able to get in touch with her adult children this morning who indeed never heard from my aunts best friend (who I've loathed as a stuck up snob with serious control problems for years) who was meant to inform them of what was happening. I'm glad I followed my gut and got in touch with them this morning otherwise they wouldn't know what was going on.

My aunt said nothing about why the redo of all the tests and simply said to please say a prayer for her and to pray this isn't "too bad". So she knows things that she's trying to not worry her kids about so is staying silent, which is her "way" i guess you could say. She has a near to irrational need to not feel she's upsetting or worrying her children to where she will cover up things happening in order that they not learn the problems with her. I want to just squeeze her and hug the snot out of her. She's a very special woman and the only consistent older female relative my kids and I have in our lives. We've grown much closer in the past 10 years. I need to her to be okay.

If you all have some beads to rattle, she's a terrific lady who could use all the positive vibes that are out there.

 

[AnnieO]

You got it! Will rattle beads and pray!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks! I spoke with my cousin in the UK. My aunt did have a heart attack, is listed as stable for now, they are running more tests. My cousin is booking a flight home to Canada. In the meantime I am on my way to pop into her room for just a minute since I know she isn't well enough for company but feel a loved one should pop in and see her for themselves for even 1 minute and a quick hug. I'll feel much better when my cousin has a flight booked and arrives.

 

[shellyd67]

Hugs and prayers ...

 

[Hound dog]

Saying prayers for your aunt. I hope she recovers quickly.

((hugs))

 

[HaoZi]

Rattling away for her!

 

[gcvmom]

Hope they can stabilize her and get her back on her feet soon!

 

[Shari]

Saying prayers.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

Prayers going up M.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks everyone. She seems to be doing better. She'll be following up with a cardiologist after she is released in a few days. There doesn't appear to be any major heart disease etc going on so that is good news. The doctor feels she isn't in a major risk for another attack, but it will be followed up. My cousin (her daughter) is a nurse and is going to be coming home this weekend from the UK to spend a few weeks with my aunt while she recoups. She can attend appointments and ask some questions. She was saying so far the update from the doctor is good, but she also figures there's a reason someone has a heart attack and wants to figure it out so she can help her mom be at the top of her game.

As a very unfortunate side story to this, I had notified my brother that she was in hospital and left it at that. He and I don't talk, but he and my aunt do. They aren't close like she and I, and they don't go out of their way to spend time together or stay in touch really but they get along and are happy to see each other when they do. He had a right to know, she is his only aunt after all. Hated calling him but I kept it polite, short, focused on facts, and ended the call.

Well ... he told my BiPolar (BP) mother who has been estranged from my aunt for over 12-13 years. She in turn called my aunts ex husband who in turn called his sister. Who in turn called my aunt at the hospital. My aunt gets herself worked right up if her ex is told ANYTHING about her. It's a irrational thing she goes on about over 25 years post divorce. I mean, their daughter is coming home for 3 weeks to care for her, he'd be finding out! But the drama started and carried on. Then my mother after all these years of no contact, called the nurses station. A nurse appeared in my aunts room to say her sister had called asking about her health and asked to pass a message that if there was anything she needed to let her know. My aunt was so upset. She then called my cousin (who is like a sister to me) and spent an hour, a day after a heart attack, ranting and raving about this whole ripple effect. She was livid with me for telling ANYONE. Said I should never have told my brother. Livid at him for telling my mother. Livid at my mother for calling hospital, and for calling her ex husband. Livid with her former sister in law (who has stayed a dear friend even after she divorced) for calling and saying her ex had called her to see if she knew anything as he was worried. (Well they are divorced but are parents to 2 kids, so I can see him asking after her health).

Meanwhile my cousin was desperate to calm her down and try to get her to just let this silliness go. She was concerned my aunt working herself up like that could harm her in her current delicate state of health. She needs to be calm and relaxed and give her body a chance for recovery.

I cried for an hour. This is not the first time some tiny piece of information made the loop back to her ex husband (usually via my mother). I know it hurts her that my mother and her ex talk, plus my mother and my aunts ex have done some spiteful things to my aunt jointly, there is good reason my aunt refuses contact to my mother so I do get that part of her upset. I wish I could just help her understand it is silly, unimportant. Who cares that he found out she had a heart attack. It's time to focus on herself and not petty decades old bitter feelings. I suspect some recent upsets she in many ways caused herself over the past few weeks might have contributed to her current decline in health. I'm worried for her. At the same time I'm hurt and angry. She demanded my cousin NOT tell me a thing that happened, and of course my cousin told me. Not to betray my aunt but because of course I should know that all this rippled from my call to my brother. Not that I could do a thing about it. But I had a right to know that she's livid with ME. It's not the first time some silly thing went through the grape vine and she in the past has called me very angry with me because some non important fact about her made it to her ex's ears via my mother.

I just want to say I. AM. NOT. MY. MOTHER. I don't speak to her, control her, have a clue what she gets up to, and I will not apologize for her acts as they are not my own. I do know that I will not be told any further information about her health from here on out (truly! Unreal though!) and that if she was to have another heart attack or any other reason caused her to be hospitalized, all will be asked to not tell me. All for notifying her nephew that she loves that she was in hospital.

She relayed the message that she had so much company yesterday that she didn't want visitors today and would be going home tomorrow and her daughter arriving the next day. In other words, don't visit. Well the grape vine stretches in ways that have nothing to do with my mother or brother or her ex husband. A nephew of hers from her ex husbands side is a good friend of mine. He's clueless to all of this so he called me today to tell me how HIS visit went with her and while talking I learned about her other visitors today and who was going up this evening. So it isn't that she doesn't want visitors. She doesn't want ME.

And if she'd have died and I had not told her nephew, the ripple effect at THAT would have been enormous. I was and remain in a no win situation. Oh and I can't even wait until my aunt is in good health in a few months and try to talk to her about it. Because I'm not supposed to have been told a thing.

I love my family. Yet I'm so over all of this. This has happened so many times, always coming back to my mother and/or my aunts ex husband. I have no contact with either of them, I don't go spreading my aunts business. I don't discuss her and I am completely a loyal niece. I simply let her nephew who loves her know, because at the time nobody had any answers as to if she was going to be okay and he had a right to know so he could go see her.

I get that my aunt is set in her ways and have loved her fully and done my best to not let her picadillies stress me out or bother me. But this has happened so many times, and here we are again. Last time it was over a stupid stupid thing that got back to her ex husband. She "decided" that I must have told my mother (WHo I don't speak to??) and that SHE must have told the ex husband. The result of that was me telling her I had no clue what happened or how he heard anything and confirmed I'd said nothing to my mother nor to anyone else that it could gotten to him through. Yet still she never told me a single personal fact about her life for over 2 years. So ill or not, I'm hurt and I'm really tired of everyone elses B. S. biting me in the tush when I've done nothing. I'm tired of playing monkey in the middle when I am not in contact with her 2 nemesis's (my mother and my aunts ex). I'm tired of being punished for my mothers actions. I'm tired of people thinking its okay to make me pay for others wrongs.