First of all, if you don't get some relief and help YOU are going to end up with some very serious health problems. Our bodies are NOT meant to tolerate years of the kind of difficult child stress that we end up with. After a certain amount of it, the stress starts to cause serious harm to us. I know this may sound frivolous, but a LOT of us Warrior Moms have developed health problems. I had them from long before I had a child at all and my body just stopped functioning and I live with chronic pain disorders that every doctor has told me is partly because I lived with so much stress for so many years. Other moms here have had strokes, heart problems, and a whole variety of other stress related illnesses. So whatever happens, you MUST do what you can to take care of yourself.
Secondly, when you talk to people you are telling them that he is abusing you. You need to be asking for help because he is abusing his younger siblings and you need to tell them you have caught him trying to kill your 1yo old. Not strangling or choking, trying to kill. Yes, it IS just a different word choice. I don't know if he has the ability to understand the consequences of his actions. Part of getting help for ANYTHING is how you market the problem. Is your husband on board? You may be POWERLESS to get much done if he isn't on board because legally it is not your decision.
Are you aware that if ANYONE learns that he is hurting the other kids then CPS will be involved? I am sure school is THRILLED that you are homeschooling and to them it is a great thing. I also know how hard and upsetting all those phone calls are. But homeschooling reduced the number of witnesses to his behavior, and NO ONE in the system belives a parent. To MOST of them, we are just ninnies who need to be taught how to parent. I wish I was joking. Sadly, many of us have found that EVERY time we see a new source of help we have to start with those and jump through months of unhelpful hoops that just waste time. If you can re-enroll him, the school is going to call the cops. There are few judges that will want to put an 8 yo in jail, and they are going to ORDER you to have parenting classes, you to do a bunch of stuff, and you to deal with a bunch of idiots. But the MORE times school calls police, the more EVIDENCE that is built up to try to get HELP for him.
You also need cameras in your home if at ALL possible. Put them in the hallways, outside the bathrooms, all common areas. This is to PROVE that YOU are not blamng him for things you do. Sooner or later he will figure that out and with his problems it could get very scary for you and husband. It is also a way to prove what is going on, and to learn exactly what all he is doing.
I know you think he is with you every moment, but you have to sleep, you have to do things with the other kids, and you have to potty and you have to take a time out or you would be losing it every five min. Anyone would. I can pretty much guarantee you that he is using those times to hurt others or do things you are unaware of. Cameras CAN help.
You also need a Parent Report. It is a document that you create (yeah, great, another task to do, I know you are thinking that now and it is okay) that keeps ALL the info about him and the things you have done and tried to help him in ONE binder. You can copy sections to give to people to share his info as needed. With a Parent Report, you sit down with the docs and say "medication a did this, when given with b it did this. Oh, medication q? That did this. medication g had these problems. This therapy? We did that with Dr. S for 9 mos and he said this. Parenting classes at the Gobbledygook? Here is my certificate and here is husband's. Here are certificates from parenting classes at the Aloysius and the Wasteoftime too. What next?"
in my opinion the Parent Report is the MOST POWERFUL tool we have. How is a binder full of papers and words that a PARENT created so important? It has infomration and PROOF in ONE place. It is EVIDENCE of EVERYTHING you have done to help your difficult child.
It also makes the IEP teams and the teams of docs that you meet with say "Oh Sh((, This one has her act together. We better bring it because she can PROVE she did stuff." Or at least it did that with the ones I worked with. I used to LOVE the way they would start saying that my child would be "all better" if only I had just read 1-2-3 Magic or taken this class or given this pill, and I would take out the info about that item and share the info and ask "What else can WE do?" I honestly think a few tdocs and one entire IEP team would have preferred to have me tap dance on their heads that hear me ask that one more time.
Before I talked about marketing the problem. You need people to agree that you need help and to help figure this out. Going it alone hasn't helped. We have a LOT of info in the archives and we have some people who truly know the sp ed laws and how to make the schools do what they should. That part probably won't help while you are homeschooling, but you can think about re-enrolling him. They cannot refuse to allow it, they MUST provide an IEP and accommodations. You have to make them do it a lot of the time, but that id do-able. It iwll also give YOU a break from him and give you some time with the other kids without him there. THEY NEED THAT and I know how hard it is to get. Please think about re-enrolling him so that YOU can survive the marathon. ALL of the kids need you.
Also thnk about reporting his abuse of the other kids to CPS. About calling 911 when he is abusive physically, esp if he leaves marks on a younger child. He is probably strong enough now to do serious, long term harm to someone at any minute. Be aware that you DO have the right to press DV charges if he knocks you unconscious. Having this on camera would be very helpful because it is not going to be easy to prove. There are a lot of internet places that sell security systems fairly reasonably. It will go MUCH better with CPS if YOU, the parent, report that he is abusing or has abused on of the other kids. You can do it by calling them yourself, or if you have a pediatrician you trust, take the child to the doctor and ask the doctor to help you report the abuse. You are not doing it, you are doing what you can, but you are at your wit's end.
With so many kids you don't have one choice that my husband and I made. My difficult child, Wiz, would use the time we were in the bathroom to make Jess hurt. They couldn't EVER both be out of our site and it was exhausting. For YEARS, we took the same sex child with us into the bathroom and had them stand in the bathtub with the curtain closed while we used the facilities. IT was AWFUL but it kept my daughter from daily torture. She also slept with us. I know part of it was due to him attacking her in the night, but also part ofit was that she is a snuggler and always was.
Whatever you choose, stay on this forum. We truly understand because we have lived through it or are also fighting for our kids. This is the absolute best, most loving, giving, forgining, supportive, incredible, helpful group of people that exists anywhere. Period. We are a family too, and we truly care for every member, old and new. This is a very long path you areo n. We don't expct you to take action on everythng we say. We through a LOT at you and we understand that some just won't work or isn't helpful. It is okay that it happens. We won't get mad and refuse to share the cookies. So stick around. This place is the best resource I had other than my mom gut and my sisters here were right about a bazillion times more than the "experts" were. My sisters also taught me how to hold my own against the "experts"