At my Wits end - sorry I've not been here!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, May 10, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So, its been a while and I need you al!. I am breaking inside, trying to live my life but filled with pain, guilt and sadness. I haven’t been on here because there was just so much going on, so much to write but I simply have no where to go with all of my feelings.

    Long story short, weeks of chaotic behavior with my son, jumping out of a car when I was driving, buying a car, driving whilst under the influence and crashing it, (I have reported incidents to the police) kicking off, verbally abusing me, blaming me for his life, self harming, taking an overdose and presenting at A&E asking for help. GP diagnosed Personality Disorder and he admitted he struggled to get along with people, had major mood swings and sometimes did things but could not tell the difference between what was real and what was reality. We finally got an appointment with mental health services
    I have had police visit my house looking for him, calling my phone and he is now wanted in two County’s for minor crimes.

    He kicked off during the mental health assessment so I left the room to allow him to say what he needed to. He came out and told me they said he had emotionally unstable Personality disorder due to trauma! We go to Council offices to try and get housing as he would now be classed as vulnerable. They said they could offer emergency housing until they had received written confirmation from the mental health services that he has this condition. I allow him home for the night until they can sort something. He goes out for a “drink” with mates saying he would be a couple of hours.

    3am in morning I hear doors slamming etc. I ignore it. In the morning I go in his room to find a mate staying, his room looks like a squat with bottles everywhere etc I ask them to leave. He kicks off. I leave the house as he scares me and return later to find the house smelling like weed!! He finds somewhere to stay.

    Paperwork arrives, Mental health diagnosis? Nothing wrong with him!!! I am angry and despairing that they are doing nothing. Twice now GPs have given him a diagnosis and twice mental health services say there is nothing wrong, and to just try and get counseling for his cannabis use. I read the report and see he has not told the truth and it even says he accused me of lying and that he is “picked on”. He denied carrying a knife and the fact he has previously used it!

    Council offered a couple of places for him and he was supposed to complete paperwork and send it back. It remains unopened in his email account.

    The worst mistake he has made was to use my ipad and forget to log out. For the last 10 days I have been reading all of his messages and I feel distraught at his life! The lies, the manipulation and the truth of the life he lives. The way he treats people is appalling! He contacts dozens of girls daily like some sexual predator and often they block him thinking he is weird. He lies to everyone about his life, he is not just using cannabis but cocaine and pills and alcohol, Selling goods that I have no idea where he is getting. He has people after him, threatening him. I know he has one set of clothes and that’s it, everything else is all round the country. In fact I am going this afternoon to one house to collect a bag of things. He doesn’t even seem to care. He would sell his soul. I am terrified for his safety and the way his life appears to get worse by the day. It’s finally breaking me.

    I feel I now need to tell him I know the truth about what I know and tell him that until he wants to change this I cannot have him in my life anymore, but what sort of mum does that? Please help!
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I am getting ready to leave for work, just wanted you to know that I know how it feels,

    When my 16yo daughter ran off earlier this year, I managed to hack her FB account. I read messages that scared me to death. It is hard to get those things out of my consciousness.

    Be strong. Ksm
     
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    The truth is awful...and I try to smother it. Things I know my son did and was.

    You are in a dangerous situation, you HAVE to let him go for you. He cannot run forever, the lies, deceit and drug use will catch up with him. You let him go because you love him, and when he gets help you will love him for that too.

    You have done what we parents were meant to do...but they are not us. Your heart will break a hundred times, but if you continue with him, it will shatter even more.

    Hug yourself, your not alone..you are worthy of feeling better. positive thought and prayers!
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry to hear things are not better.

    Our lives didn't change with our son until we stopped enabling and set boundaries with him.

    I didn't know what either of these were until I found this forum.

    I do not recall how old your son is but if he is doing all these things he is out of control.
     
  5. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Soo many of these addicts lie about mental illness. Rhey will not help them if they are abusing drugs. Its useless to do so as the drugs ruin everything. You have to detach as much as you can. Im struggling with that too but i know i must. He is pulling you down with him. I know, its like watching your kid drown, and your gonna have to turn your head and not watch. You have thrown him many life lines. You must think of yourself now. You read how he manipulates and lies and is not a moral person right now. How dare him bring thugs in your house to party when your trying to help him. He has no regard for you right now. Dont fall for his bs. Try to become less and less available to him, for your health, hugs
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Would you support your husband if he did what your son is doing? Why is it different? Its not. Your son is an adult abusing you.

    Its loving NOT to help your son make dangerous choices by handing him money that he may use for drug use, keep him in your house which is approval of his behavior under your roof, or buying him fancy stuff he can and will sell for drug money? How is turning your back on him by making it harder for him to do these things? It is very hard for us and very loving. Sometimes you must turn away from even a beloved adult child because they need a wake up call and YOU need to stay safe too.

    A lot of us had to do this. For them. For us. We matter too. In my case, my daughter found going it alone "too hard." She quit, even cigarettes, and these days is into organic food for her and her and her partner's precious baby girl. Will everyone quit? No. But why make using drugs easier? Why give them one dime that could be used to buy drugs? It has to be hard and horrible for them to quit an addictive substance. Love and housing and help is not a motivator for them to quit. Maybe nothing will be. But comfort certainly doesnt motivate. Sure, you love him...but right now he doesnt care and it hasnt helped him change.

    Nobody should be in an unsafe home. That is your sanctuary. Please try to move on with your own life and let go of sons drama. Dont read his cell phone (dont pay for it either. Seems he uses it for the wrong reasons). Your knowing too much wont stop his behavior and will seriously impact your mental and physical health.

    Love and light. Remember, you matter too.
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Please get him out of your house and limit contact to public places! This is a very dangerous situation. Either he or someone who is angry with him could easily harm you.

    You are very right, it is time to limit contact with him, to let him know that you know the truth about what he does and until he changes you cannot have him in your life. The kind of mom who does this is the kind of mom who wants the best for her child. That is right, the kind of mom who does what is right for her child even when it rips her apart inside. You know that only a hard jolt and setting strong boundaries will do anything for your son. You have to set those because you are his mother. It isn't the fun part of being a mom, but it is part of being a mom. You love him more than anything, but you cannot support his actions. Having him in your life is supporting these actions that are just wrong and dangerous.

    I know it hurts, and you will mourn terribly. It may take a while for this to get through to him. I hate that for you. Your instincts say that it is time to cut contact and they are totally correct, and it does NOT make you a bad mother. It truly does NOT NOT NOT. It makes you the BEST mother because you are willing to do the hardest thing in order to try to save your son's life. He won't see that right now, and he will say the most awful things because he isn't getting what he wants (like any toddler throwing a tantrum).
     
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  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you. I know this, I would say the same to someone else. Its just so so painful! Im sorry you have been through this too! I will never understand it xx
     
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  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you. I know this, I would say the same to someone else! I will never understand it. I am so worried I will push him further down the wrong road. Even though I read things I still feel drawn to what he is saying and feel the same guilt over and over again that I am pushing him away and he has nothing. Yes, it hurts. It hurts like crazy xx
     
  10. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you. I know this, I would say the same to someone else! I am honestly, but sadly happy when he is not in my house but yet yearn to have him home and be a proper son! I cannot shake the sinking feeling overtime I am enjoying my lovely daughter and then I remember my situation and feel bad all over again. Guilt, shame, embarrassment and a massive "why me?, why my son?"! Some days the pain is unbearable others less so. When will it end?!! xx
     
  11. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you fro your reply. I am sorry you are going through this hell too! I feel sad that anyone should be going through this yet comforted in the knowledge I am not alone. When i get angry enough at what I read then it feels easy and I feel strong, and then when he begs me and blames me I wonder if I have it wrong and by abandoning hin I am somehow pushing him further down the wrong road. Its just a never-ending road with no apparent ending! Hugs xx
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are saying you dont miss your son; you wish somebody who looks and talks like and has the same potential as your son were in your house being the man tou surely raised him to be. You did your job. You taught him. He rejected your good mom lessons and is not that person. The person he is, you dont miss. Having him around, as he is now, is dangerous to you.

    I am sorry that this happened...many of us have this heartache. It sadly does not always work out that good parents, like all of us, have kids who accept what we taught them. Society and peers has a bigger impact than us on many. Plus DNA. This is not your fault.
     
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you could push him down the wrong road then you could push him down the right road. The truth is that you can't push him anywhere. He is deciding the path of his journey and there is nothing you can do to change the trajectory.

    Hopefully, he will get to the point where he wants to make the change and he will. Until that time, all you can do is set boundaries and protect yourself and your home.

    The reason that the mental health services might be saying that there is nothing wrong is because they feel the real issue is substance abuse. Until that stops, you really can't get a correct mental health diagnosis.

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    ~Kathy
     
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  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The son you raised is still in there. Right now, the drugs are talking. My daughter was a horrible person when she was using. She treated us terribly, lied, stole, and was horrible to be around. I can honestly say that I hated her at times.

    Now that she has been sober for a year, she is a different person. She is kind, compassionate, loving, responsible, sweet, and regrets the things she did in the past.

    Our troubled loved ones are still the people we raised and they can come back to us with sobriety. You have to be strong and stop enabling him and hope for the best. There are success stories but everyone of them happened after we stopped trying to fix them and let them figure it out for themselves.
     
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  15. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Lost in sadness. My heart breaks that you too have to walk this path....all of the posters above are correct. You need to let him go on his path and you need to find some time to heal. Yes it will break your heart...but it will make you stronger. And he will come back when its his time to do so. Please reclaim your life, your safety and YOU!!!!
     
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  16. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you all for your replies. You all give me so much strength. Today I feel so sad. I tried to have a weekend away with some girlfriends, something I have never done and all I felt was my stomach churning with pain. I don't seem to sleep anymore and appear to have developed an anxiety I cannot shift. I am worried I will never feel happy or 'normal' again. My life is ruined and tarnished by the worry and pain for my son. I returned home and 10 minutes after being in the house a lady came to my front door that I had never met. She introduced herself and said she was the mum of a friend of my sons and he had been living with her for a number of months before she asked him to leave a while back. She came to return some belongings he had left there, some post which was a court summons (argh!!) and to tell me that my son has stolen her daughters brand new iPhone. I am devastated!! What the hell has he become. The kindness of someone, people that fed him and put a roof over his head and he repays them this way. My heart is breaking. I sent him a message and he denied it saying he had been robbed f the phone and he kept trying to call me and I just could not speak to him! I've seen for my own eyes on his social media messages where he was trying to sell it! (yes, I am still reading). I have also been on his email and he appears to have applied for a load of jobs and try to make peace with his grandparents asking if he can go and stay there. I know what the answer will be. I just do not know what to believe anymore. He says he is trying to change things and he is scared for his future and wants to be a better person but yet when I read his social media stuff it shows him still trying to arrange hotels, parties, girls and weed. I just do not know what to believe. Is he doing this behavior because there is nothing else and it numbs his sad life and if I gave him a home he would stop, or are the texts to me just lip service in the hope I will do this (let him come home) and he will carry on and my life will be hell. I am just so so confused. :thumbsdown::cry:
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you give him s home he will have more money, which he will get illegally, and buy more drugs. It is likely more than weed. And his living in your home will be hell. You know this

    We have choices, like our adult children. We can read their social media, emails etc knowing we cant do anything about them or we can let go of their life coices with love and let them be. He stole the iphone, of course. Drug users/addicts lie, steal, sell drugs, rarely work in legal jobs even if they pretend to look and are not currently nice people who can be reasoned with. Addiction is a mindset of its own and only they can stop it and actions speak louder than words. Words from drug addicts lips or fingers are useless. Look at actions only, not promises.

    Many of us are addicted to our adult children as much as they are addicted to drugs. Just like they do nothing but find ways to buy and then use, many parents do nothing but think about how we can help/fix our adult sons and daughters. No good comes from drugs and nothing positive comes from our addiction to fixing these adult drug users who our grown children have become.

    I strongly suggest breaking your addiction to your son's activities so maybe he can break his addiction to drugs. Your son is ruining two lives, his and yours. Do you want to go down with him? You cant change him and will never know what is true or false from his words. So whats the point? You are worth more than that.

    I sincerely hope you get therapy or try Al Anon to see that you can let go and have a good life in spite of your son. He is not you. You are not him. And he is not 6 year olds so you cant control him, wipe his nose and make it better. We are powerless over others no matter how hard we deny it.

    Its mot about what we do or dont do for them. Its about what they do or dont decide to do for themselves. There may be or may not be a good outcome. At any rate, the only director of your sons play is himself. in my opinion use all your willpower and stay off his social media. And get therapy. ASAP. We here on this forum can support you but none of us can take the place of face time support. So many of us benefit from it.

    Love and light and try to resist sons social media.
     
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    Last edited: May 15, 2017
  18. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I have noticed that my son has 2 faces, maybe more. The one i get is only for manipulation. To get something from me. Either sympathy (so i will offer something) or more. I know you read his fb to see how hes doing, i did that too. And yes it helped me catch him in lies. But it does you more harm, it keeps you attached. Try to unfriend him or stop reading. It just hurts you. Dont believe anything he tells you, they lie lie lie. Put your life first its hard.
     
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have never had a facebook account and one of the reasons is that I didn't want to be tempted to use it to check on my daughter to see what she was posting. It would have been one more way to get sucked into the chaos and drama of addiction.

    There is truth in the saying that ignorance is bliss.

    ~Kathy
     
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  20. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    If your son wants to get out of the hole he's in, the first thing he has to do is stop digging it deeper. You can't control whether he chooses to do this or not. But you can get yourself out of his hole. Read the article on detachment, try to find a therapist who understands about codependency and detachment. And forget about trying to make sense out of what he says. Assume he's lying until you see sustained actions toward bettering his life.
     
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