Back from Texas--update

[SunnyFlorida]

Hi All. I had a great time in Texas. I took my almost 81 yr old mother to see her oldest male grandchild get married. We spent 3days in San Antonio doing all the sites. We walked and walked, rode streetcars, ate Mexican & BBQ food and drank Margurieta's. The weather was great, the scenery beautiful.

The wedding was an outdoor early evening affair. Colors were pink and green. Dinner and dancing. Just alot of fun. We then traveled to Houston for a day to see the groom's younger brother and his wife and 9mo old baby.

Here's the irony. husband and I are college educated, type A&B personalities, did everything we could to raise two difficult child's to go to college and hoped that we'd live just a normal everyday life and family. My sister is the mother of the groom aka nephew #1. Nephew #1 is biracial, gifted, has BiPolar (BP), was hospitalized, has made many poor decisions, is now married and a teacher. Nephew #2 is also biracial, met a girl in college, got a 4.0 gpa, got married, and is also a teacher. He's also a poet. I sat at the table with the groom's friends who were all culturally diverse, all college graduates or attendees, many athletes, all had goals and desires and most of all....drive.

My sister, had an interacial marriage in 1975! was a victim of DV, single mother for years, divorced husband due to drugs, he went to jail, she remarried him, had all the problems with her BiPolar (BP) son, etc, etc, etc.

Both of her boys are well educated, achievers, independent, and will be fine productive members of society.

Why? why do I feel pangs of jealousy, why do I want more than I have, why do I still feel twinges of self doubt as a parent and a mother, why didn't I do something different, why couldn't it have been me being the one who her sisters were getting her ready for the wedding. Why?

I know I/we did the best we could. I know my difficult child's are succeeding in their own way. I know we could'nt have done anything different. But at this present moment...."why" does not equal "I know".

Time is the best healer and at this present day......I sure do hope and pray that time will be what I need.

 

[DDD]

Glad you're back safe and sound, my friend. Sounds like most of
the trip was terrific. I think your questions are relevant and,
sadly, unanswerable. It just "is". on the other hand..I think you're "the
cats pajamas". LOL! DDD

PS: What to heck does that old saying mean???

 

[AliceLee]

Hi Sunny---glad you had a good time with your mom at the wedding. I know how you feel with those twinges of jealousy...I wonder if my difficult child will ever have another happy milestone type of event in her life. However, maybe your nephews can give us hope...it sounds like they are overcoming their own demons...maybe ours will too, one day.

 

[wakeupcall]

Sunny, I live in Houston....if I had known maybe we could have met somewhere!!! Glad you had a good time on your Texas trip!

Remember that story about "there's always someone who has it worse than you do."? It's true. I know you wish things were different, we all do. BUT, it could be worse. Put on that SUNNY smile!!

 

[rejectedmom]

Sunny, I hate to be the cinic here but people tend to only tell the good stuff at family gatherings. Don't put ourself down. You did a good job. Your difficult child's just aint fully hatched yet. -RM

 

[TYLERFAN]

Glad you had a good time.
I think that at times we all obviously think that we have been deprived of seeing our kids succeed and advance in life. I guess what we were called to do as parents of difficult child's seems unfair at times. I like to think of it as a special assignment we've been given from the Man upstairs because we are exceptional parents who can deal with our exceptional children.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[judi]

Sunny - you have verbalized what a lot of us have felt. I am sorry I don't have a great answer. Believe me, if I did, I would share it! (And then I would sell it - lol!!) That said, you have to be optimistic that these kids are still young and have the chance to change things around.

 

[Ephchap]

Sunny,

First of all, welcome back !

I am another that understands the feeling. Like you and many others, we thought we did everything possible for our children. My difficult child was a gifted hockey player and student. Instead, he chose drugs and has a GED.

I ran into an old co-worker recently who had been there back in the dark days when I was seriously terrified on a daily basis that difficult child would die from the drugs or the drug life.

She asked how my kids were doing, and I went on to say what each of them were doing. When I got to difficult child, I said something like, "He's still just at XXX Restaurant, bartending and waiting tables."

She smiled and hugged me and said, "That's amazing!" I looked a bit confused and she said, "You say 'just' like it's a bad thing. He could be in jail or worse, dead. There was a time that you would have never thought he could hold down a job at all, let alone at the same place for over 3 years! That's terrific, Deb."

I just started crying like a baby. You know what? She was right. Why did I say, "just" when he's holding down an honest job and obeying the law and is drug free.

I think sometimes others can put into perspective the good things because they aren't so close to it.

Sunny, your boys are doing well. Things could be (and have been for me, and for you as well) so much worse.

That friend made me see what a wonderful young man my son has become. I hope that I can help you see the positives in the young men your boys have become too.

Our difficult child's don't march to the beat of the same drummer. That's okay. As long as they march on the right path, I'm happy ... proud, in fact!

Sending mega hugs your way,
Deb

 

[AliceLee]

Ephchap, thanks for sharing your story. It's an excellent reminder for all of us to take pride in the accomplishments our difficult child's make...

 

[Merris]

Sunny - I understand. Hugs. Please know that I think you're a great mom and your kids are lucky to have you!

Merris